I Watched the Worst Movie Ever Made And I thoroughly Enjoyed It

Awhile ago, I heard about a movie called “The Banker,” so I thought I would check it out since I don’t have anything else to do until Wrestlemania comes on.

The 1989 film had me hooked from the get-go with the 90’s & 00’s Cinemax porno music.

You know, the kind of music they played in those naughty “Cinemax After Dark” tv shows such as Black Tie Nights, Hotel Erotica Cabo, among others.

Now, don’t you all get prudish on me.

I know that plenty of you have heard of these shows before so you all can stop clutching your pearls and pretending to be all innocent and pure.

There was a woman in scantily clad clothing who looked to be a “working girl” checking in for work.

They get right into the groove as soon as she enters the room.

It was quite enticing because I wasn’t expecting anything like that at all.

I thought they’d do the whole customary, “wine her, dine her and do her” thing first but they went straight into the action.

The woman was a fine, looking lady and the sex scene was rather graphic.

It goes to show folks that these over-the-top sex scenes didn’t start today but have been going on for quite some time now.

The man “clocks out” and goes to shower while the woman, having the mindset of a working girl, starts roaming through the man’s wallet before being caught redhanded by him.

She begs for his pardon as he shines a laser on her, but it’s not a gun.

It’s a damn bow & arrow.

I mean, the cat shot the lady with a bow & arrow.

What is this? The 1600's?! May her character rest in peace.

I guess the man didn’t want to tip her. Cheap bastard!

They fade into the next scene, where a young man’s seen working a paper route.

Now, you know this is 1989 because I haven’t seen a paper boy since…………1989.

Oh snap! Shaft is in this film. RIP to Richard Roundtree, by the way.

“They say that cat Shaft is a bad mutha……..Shut yo’ mouth! I’m just talkin’ about Shaft. Then we can dig it!”

What is a grown man doing sleeping in a treehouse?! This cat has got to be at least 37–38 years . old.

Plus, he’s a cop!

The standard for passing the Hollywood police academy had to be extremely low back then. This guy makes Martin Riggs look like Walker, Texas Ranger.

I see a honey on the beach in this next scene.

This movie may not be a classic when it comes to superb acting but it has great cinematography when it comes to the ladies.

The beach scene is anti-climatic and funny as hell, considering nobody’s doing a damn thing other then pretending to build sand castles.

Who in the bloody, hell builds sand castles on a beach?!

He wouldn’t be a Hollywood cop without the donuts. After a brief stop at Shipley’s, they drive on over to the hotel to discover the deceased woman.

The main cop in this film is being portrayed by the late Robert Forster, who has this, I’m-just-doing-this-film-to-keep-the-lights-on, look on his face.

By the looks of the crime scene’s scene, it’s safe to conclude that this motion picture wasn’t in the running for the 1990 Academy Award picture of the year award.

Also, the man who committed the crime left behind a “calling card.”

You just have to love these 90's flicks.

Next, they show two men sitting in a car.

I take it that these might be bad guys with the worst acting and corniest dialogue you’ll ever see or hear.

One of the guys says to the other,

“next time that cocksucker calls, let me know.”

Wow! I’m astounded!

Denzel Washington doesn’t have sh*t on this man for real. I hope you all can feel the sarcasm in my font because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

I have to say that this banker guy has great taste in suits and rides. I guess to be the part, you really do have to dress the part.

He’s kind of like a sinister version of Bruce Wayne and he even has his own Alfred.

The limo he’s riding in looks a lot like the one JFK had in Dallas. The banker may want to avoid any grassy knolls or depository buildings.

We’re at the news station and the reporter, Sharon, is begging her boss to let her take the lead instead of Sherry, the sultry, hot blond.

C’mon, Sharon! You know Sherry’s way hotter then you. Wait your turn, darling.

Apparently, she can’t because she’s on her soapbox in this next scene.

She’s giving one of those "we all can make a difference" rants, which sparks her boss to order all of the cameras to go to commercial.

Sharon’s not too happy at all, as she can be seen knocking down a fake tree and throwing her script high up in the air.

She certainly won’t be invited to next year’s Christmas party with that attitude.

The banker also has excellent taste in office decor. The man even has what looks to be an African Zulu mask, for some reason.

Robert Forster’s character, Dan, is like a mixture of Columbo and Rain Man.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he’s also not the dullest, especially in this movie.

They show Detective Dan hassling some prostitutes looking for information on the killer.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue on saying it; The women of Hollywood in the 1980's were a whole lot hotter than they are today, including the movie prostitutes.

Back in the day, movie prostitutes looked like Fran Drescher; Now, they look more like Fran Tarkenton.

Aww! That treacherous banker sent ole’ Sharon some flowers and a gift card. It goes to show that there has to be a little bit of love in that poor lad’s heart.

Detective Dan’s trying to bust this bad guy when he takes a shot at him, close range, and still misses him by 18 feet.

Then, they have one of the most awkward running scenes that you will ever see.

The criminal starts gasping for air after about 16 seconds of running. They should’ve had a stunt double for this scene here because homie’s cardio game is shit, to say the very least.

Forster’s holding up pretty well during the chase, though.

He must’ve received a boost of energy from all those donuts he consumed earlier.

Check out this mind-blowing dialogue here from the interrogation scene,

“we gotta cowboy here so it must be Christmas.”

What the hell does that even mean?!

Another thing about this film is that the audio’s terribly low. I don’t know whether it’s my computer or the movie.

I figure once they got done filming, they knew they didnt need to spend hours engineering this horse sh*t.

It be like putting lipstick on a pig; It’s still a damn pig with or without the MAC makeup.

The only drawback about this “banker” character, outside of him being a murderous bastard, is that his gym stinks.

You mean to tell me that you have all of this money and all you have is a peso?

Where’s the dumbbells?! The bench press?! The squat cage?! Smh.

The banker seems to be programming himself, watching all kinds of weird footage of his “huntings.”

It’s like he’s undergoing some sort of MKUltra type programming and he’s using these tapes like athletes use game film to get themselves ready for an upcoming opponent.

Oh, oh, ladies. Better watch out because the banker’s back on the prowl and he’s not looking to make a deposit but a withdrawal.

“A very deadly withdrawal,” in my scary bad guy font.

As he’s riding in his car on the hunt for prey, it goes from pitch-black night to late evening rather quickly.

It wouldn’t quite be a 1990’s B film without poor editing.

He heads to a local club an intervenes when two guys are hassling this young woman.

Not only were the women hotter but so were the cars. That’s one bad ass car that he’s taking her home in. It looks like a Ferrari.

The lady that he’s going to take out is wearing the hell out those boots though.

She should put them to good use and run out that house while she still can.

I tried to tell you, Melody.

You should’ve left before making that long ass phone call to the police.

I see the banker made sure he got himself a tan in between takes.

Melody’s just not that bright. She’s going to take the stairs to the roof of the building and scream for help.

You’re at least 50 feet up in the air. Nobody can hear you, ma.

This is like a “Surviving the Game” type of film where he’s paying a pimp to provide him with ladies so he can hunt them down.

I see Sharon finally landed the lead gig down at the news station. My only question is where is that hot blonde?

The banker is watching her telecast while enjoying a glass of orange juice.

Gotta keep up that Vitamin C in between hunts.

Did I just see somebody pay for a meal with a 1,000 dollar bill? I hadn’t seen of those things in ages.

I miss the era of the 1,000 dollar bill. Too bad they got rid of them.

Fellas, imagine being on a date with your lady and you pull out one grand and lay it out on the table. Her reaction would be like,

“oooh, Stephennnn, I didn’t know you had it like that, daddy.”

Yep! Those pants are definitely coming off that night.

The head guy at this club looks like Edward James Olmos without all the facial acne.

I’ve never seen a cop rip off a perp’s shirt during an off-the-record interrogation.

He pushes the perp up against the wall and says the most questionable shit that a man could ever say to another man,

“whoa, one of these days you’re gonna trip over on your own dick and I’m gonna be there.

All due respect to Dan but that is NOT the place you ever want to be.

More hot women or, should I say, semi-hot women, in the next scene. You know, the type of women that will do on a slow Sunday.

The 1980's porno-infused pop music is a nice touch.

I see everyone’s drinking orange juice. It must be like a house special or something.

I like the idea of health-conscious scumbags like Christian Bale’s character in American Psycho,

“You like Huey Lewis & the News?”

They’re playing some serious, yet seductive music in this next scene. That means either someone’s getting fucked or someone’s fucked.

Bingo! I was right. Well, I believe both things are going to happen here.

The dude in the car who’s like her “employer” looks like a coked out version of Willem Dafoe.

He gives chase after the banker kills her but he misses out on the elevator so he has to take the stairs.

Those are some long ass stairs. The banker will be in Poughkeepsie before you finish running down all those stairs, bro.

The fake ass Willem Dafoe/MacGyver looking guy caught up with the banker at his office.

This should be an interesting exchange.

He’s giving the banker the proverbial “offer he can’t refuse.”

He says he wants $500 for his silence. Otherwise, his buddy’s going to make a call to “the boys,” which I believe is code for the police.

I’ve never heard “the fuzz” referred to in that manner, though.

The banker writes him a check and fake Willem Dafoe is on his merry way.

The front office of this news building looks like a cross between a prisoner waiting room and a federal bank.

The boss of the news station is the best actor in this picture, hands down.

Speaking of the news station, it now has a new owner, the banker.

Things are getting interesting, and the plot is thickening.

The actor who plays the banker, Duncan Regehr, looks like a mix between Liam Nesson and Michael Douglas.

The next scene has Detective Dan commandeering Sharon’s car and driving her to the city morgue.

He’s such a hopeless romantic for one of those goth chicks. No wonder their relationship went down the toilet.

The autopsy guy delivers what would be an earth-shattering performance….for a Hallmark movie.

Forster should’ve negotiated a love scene in his contract with Sharon.

“Well, if I’m going to do this movie at least let me get me some tailllllllllllll.” I tried to type that just like he would’ve said it.

Wait a minute! Maybe he is about to get some?!

Ooops. I spoke too soon. Phone call. Ring, ring and it’s the banker.

Not only is he a murdering son of a gun but a cockblocker as well.

Oh, oh Mr. Fake Dafoe. The banker has come back to collect his dough. Hey, that rhymed and I wasn’t even trying to.

The banker captures fake Willem Dafoe and offers him the deal of a lifetime.

He promises him that he can go free if he participates in the banker’s deadly game.

*Note to readers: Please read that last line in a Stacy Keach voice for a more dramatic effect.

Fake Dafoe shoots his sole arrow and hits the wrong man. He realizes this as runs to the car as the banker appears out of nowhere with his trusty bow & arrow.

He begs and pleads with the banker and the banker gives him one last chance to live IF………he can name the Seven Dwarfs which he fails miserably at.

I think the same fate would happen to any one of us if we were put in that same position because I don’t think any of us could name 2 let alone 7.

Before he got offed, fake Dafoe let out a blood-curdling scream not in surround sound though. It was more on the monoaural side of the game.

The banker left behind a 2,500 dollar gold-plated lighter with his name on it.

This is also where I learned that the banker’s name is Spaulding Osborne.

Spaulding Osborne?

That sounds more like an NBA player from the 1950’s that a sadistic killer. I’m going to stick to calling him the banker. It just fits better.

Forster pays “Spaulding Osborne” a little visit to his office.

Wait a second! The banker kinda looks like that dude from American Psycho.

Goes to imdb.com to verify whether it’s him or not.

No, he’s not Paul Allen. That was Jude Law. My bad!

Back to the movie.

“The boys” are on a stakeout at Sharon’s place on the hunt for the banker. The banker’s already in Sharon’s home as he emerges from the shadows and shoots an arrow, wounding Dan’s partner, Eddie.

The paramedics take Eddie away as he lets Dan know that Osborne is the guy that they were looking for, and he’s taken Sharon hostage.

Dan gets in touch with the banker at a local pay phone.

The banker gives him the place and the time. Now, the hunt is on.

I must say that the music is pretty bad. Whoever scored the film did an excellent job, especially towards the end.

Now I know that I made fun of the guy for having a bow & arrow, but I have to admit that the device is pretty bad ass.

He must’ve modded it, because I’ve never seen one that powerful before.

Now, we have a standoff between Osborne with his laser-equipped bow & arrow on Sharon and Dan with his firearm on Osborne.

After some “intense” dialogue, Dan tells Sharon to “drop” as he fires on Osborne, taking him out as he wins “the hunt.”

Well, at least we think so.

The only thing is that the shot doesn’t kill Osborne, so Officer Dan fires a few more rounds, which brings Osborne to his knees.

I’m assuming he’s dead now. Who is this dude?! Robocop?!

Well, there you have it, folks! That’s the end of this “movie.”

Cues up the smooth outro music.

Overall, it was an interesting film that got a lot better towards the end.

To be honest, I was just passing some time until Wrestlemania 40 came on so I could see if Cody “can finish his story.”

The Banker is one of those movies that, if you have 36 minutes and 8 seconds to pass, then it’s the perfect movie for that.