I Was Thinking About Quitting Vocal...

I have to admit it, there was once in the very recent past where I was thinking about quitting the platform altogether. A couple of years ago, I went on a year-long hiatus from Vocal and my account dormantly made a couple of hundred pound. But, I was actually thinking about shutting down my account and leaving the platform a few weeks' ago and there were a few things I had to reason with. There were a few points I actively had to convince myself were not really reasons at all to quit the platform.

1: It's Kind of Exhausting

People don't see the work that goes into my reviews. I release one every single day and so, it becomes a cycle of people reading them and me not knowing whether they actually mean anything in the grand scheme of things. I think people believe that my reviews spring up out of nowhere but I wish I could show you how I go through my work, changing words that are too harsh, too emotional, repetitive or even the words I liked one day, but don't like the next.

Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that my existence revolves around books (even though the people in my real life probably don't like it so much), but sometimes I just wonder whether it is worth making what is basically a brand of myself. I initially started doing thing because I wanted to make friends. But...

2: I'm Not a Sociable Person

I think a lot of people have realised both on the internet and off that I'm not particularly a very sociable person and I can get very tired of talking to people and being present. I've never really known what 'being present' means and I often get irritated by being in the real world too much. But recently (in the last few years) I have become more prominent on the internet. Now that I have made friends on the internet, I am unfortunately finding the same thing happen. I enjoy my alone time, which is one of the reasons I get lost in books more often than I'd like the admit.

Again, don't misinterpret this. This doesn't mean I don't like you. This simply means that I become exhausted with social interaction at a rate I honestly think is unbelievable. I can cut off text conversations from friends with a simple 'can we stop texting now?' and end phone calls with people I know with a 'can you put the phone down now?' and sometimes it comes off as abrasive. But I'm simply exhausted and I'm asking permission to not continue with this because I'm psychologically tired.

Apart from this though, are the ways in which I can think about myself, so thus I feel the...

3: Self-Doubt and Other Terrible Emotions

Self-doubt has plagued my Vocal life. From my misdirected attempts at poetry (which I have to admit I often find laughable, especially in the recent years), or my book reviews where a character has upset me and I become very emotional. I don't open up easily and some of my friends can go entire years without even knowing the kind of music I listen to. I've opened up on Vocal to a large audience in a sort of against-my-will kind of way. I know that I have to if I want an audience, but my crippling self-doubt often makes me believe that I don't fit in. This is really because I don't fit in with my family, I don't fit in with my friends, I don't really fit in anywhere in real life. I have often tried to make Vocal a home, but I still have these anxieties that plague my thoughts.

The idea of the 'black sheep' has often burrowed its way into the different aspects of my existence. Hobbies which include coin collecting, researching how autopsies are done, writing poetry on a phone during car journeys, listening to scary podcasts and watching old German movies aren't often those you would find of a millennial woman. I'm very odd and some people have said that I'm not odd in a good way, but in an odd way. I'm not 'quirky' or 'cool-weird', I'm just odd. The good news is, I have actually found a home on Vocal. I've loved it here and even though I am odd, there have been a great number of things that have happened on this platform both with me and people I have come to care about.

Conclusion

And that's why I haven't quit. It's not really just because I've found a bit of a home here, it's because there are people I care about on this platform. I really do believe I have friends who don't judge me for being odd. And that's all I ask.