Harry Potter

So by now everyone has heard that HBO is remaking Harry Potter into a show…and as you can imagine I have many many thoughts on the subject. But the general internet opinion is that this is a terrible idea that no one wants. Now the reality is that there are a few straw book fans who think they want this show, now I say they think they want it because if they thought about it with any amount of common sense they would realize that it is in fact a horrendous idea. So here we go: all the reasons why a Harry Potter TV show is the stupidest idea in industry history.

Reason #1: Flaws in the books

Sorry book fans but I promise I’ve read them as many if not more times then you have and the books themselves are not great. JK Rowling built an interesting and intriguing wizarding world that is full of intentional and unintentional racism. Her dialogue is weak, and her story structure feels like listening to a 4 year old tell you a story. The movies did a great job of making her thoughts more coherent.

I would like to remind everyone that a huge plot line in the books is Hermione being a straight up abolitionist…and being bullied for it. To the point where she really turned the plot into “slavery is actually good!”...c’mon guys. Also Blaze Shacklebolt, Cho Chang and Seamus Finnegan…the woman can’t even name characters in a way that isn’t obviously racist.

Reason #2: JKRs Involvement

She is heavily involved in this project, and the fact that she isn’t actually a good storyteller is just one of the reasons that's a terrible idea. I think one of the most agreed upon things about the movies is that the golden trio was perfectly cast…well she wouldn’t have cast any of them if she had a say. So I really don’t trust her judgment in having a say now. These are the reasons for the terrible people that don’t care that she’s a TERF. Because that’s the most obvious one, if you support this show you are directly supporting her.

Reason #3: It's an Obvious Money Grab

Simply a fact, not an opinion. For both JKR and HBO, JKR wrote a book under a pseudonym to see if she could sell beyond name recognition and the answer was a resounding no…the book flopped. As did Fantastic Beasts, the movies lost more and more money as they continued and it was directly due to JKR’s involvement, the story being shit was simply a fringe reason.

Reason #4: It's Too Soon/Only Franchise to Ever Do This

The last film was released in 2011, 12 years ago. The average amount of time in between remade movies (The Little Rascal, Addams Family, All Quiet on the Western Front) is 35 years. 35….this is over 20 years too early. Lets go ahead and add in the fact that no other franchise in the history of the industry has done this. The Harry Potter franchise is one of the most popular and recognizable movie franchises in all of human history, never has a popular franchise been remade. It has only been expanded upon. Lord of the Rings and Star Wars are expanding their universes and Harry Potter is destroying theirs. Imagine someone remaking the Lord of the Rings films this year, now sit in that terrible feeling and realize that this is the exact same thing.

Reason #5: Casting Pitfalls

British acting royalty starred as all of the adults in the original movies and there is simply no replacing Robbie Coltrane, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman and really the whole rest of the cast. It can literally only be worse, there is no way for the new cast to be on par with the old one. Also the internet sucks so you are setting up this new cast of actors for failure.

Reason #6: Structure and Adaptation

Like I said before the movies omitted nothing that changed the story, they didn’t add anything ridiculous. As adaptations go, the movies were GREAT ones. Do I wish my favorite character wasn’t reduced to having the personality of wet cardboard? Of course, did I miss Peeves? Yeah do I need to see every goddamn meal and line of dialogue on screen? No, because I am an adult who understands what is and isn’t relevant when telling a story in a visual medium. Also turning the story into a show inherently lowers the stakes, I don’t want to watch the cemetery scene in Goblet of Fire split over 4 freaking episodes…stupid. The Story was meant for the film format and not all stories can or should fit other mediums.

All of these points are non negotiable and fully factual so let's not. The reboot is a terrible plan and I hope HBO loses so much money they don’t even finish through season 3.