Everybody Wins

(DECIDEDLY DISCORDANT INTRO SONG, CROWD APPLAUSE RISES AND FALLS)

LESLIE (ANNOUNCER): That’s right, folks, the sound of that completely non-musical interlude means it’s time for yet another edition of EVERYBODY WINS, the world’s first and only politically correct game show. I’m your computer-generated and gender-neutral announcer, Leslie Picklebritches, and here are tonight’s not overly ravishing but definitely breathing hosts, Lorne and Lorna Lumpenprole!

LORNE: Thanks, Leslie. Welcome, everyone!

LORNA: What he said.

LORNE: By the way, if you’re wondering about how we came up with the virtual announcer’s name, we had an on-line contest, and Leslie Picklebritches narrowly beat out Mickey Talkeyperson and Announcee McAnnouncerface.

LORNA: I was kind of partial to that last one.

LORNE: For those of you tuning in for the first time, you may have noticed that we, your humble hosts, and all of our contestants have been digitally altered both visually and sonically to prevent any chance of viewer self-esteem issues.

LORNA: That’s right, Lorne. You too can be any of these contestants! And heck, if you really want to grow up to be a game show host, hey, go for it!

LORNE: Don’t grow up TOO fast, though. Give us a chance to pay off our condo, okay?

LORNA: Oh, you!

LORNE: On top of that, we only refer to our contestants as A, B, and C just to make sure there are absolutely no preconceptions or biases.

LORNA: What are their names? Who knows? What do they look like? The possibilities are as wide open as the look of amazement on your face.

LORNE: It really doesn’t matter who you are. You could be A!

LORNA: And if you thought it couldn’t get any better than that, well, it can.

LORNE: Can it?

LORNA: Of course it can, silly. We know that everybody is not a walking trivia data bank. Most people have enough trouble remembering their own phone numbers, let alone the population of Argentina in 1980. That’s why our categories are based on topics like “Things I Think About When I’m Not Having a Smoothie.”

LORNE: Sounds like MY kind of category.

LORNA: But, of course, the most innovative thing about our show is that everybody gets the same number of points no matter who answers.

CONTESTANT A: Excuse me?

LORNE: Sorry, but we haven’t started yet.

CONTESTANT B: Do we get points for that?

LORNA: Sure, why not? (DINGING SOUNDS)

CONTESTANT A: How do you figure out who wins?

LORNE: You know, that’s a really good question. Points all around.

CONTESTANT C: Have we started yet?

LORNA: Not really, but feel free to jump in.

CCONTESTANT A: If nobody wins, who gets the prizes?

LORNE: Could you use your beeper, please?

CONTESTANT A: (BEEP!) Who gets the prizes?

LORNE: Let’s tell ‘em what they could win, Leslie!

LESLIE: You betcha, Lorne. Today’s winner will receive the undying adoration of our cast and crew.

CONTESTANT B: That’s it?

LORNA: Beeper, please.

CONTESTANT B: (HONK!) That’s it?

LORNE: Well, I’m sure we could get the audience to give you a well-deserved round of applause. Am I right, audience?

(A FEW HANDS START TO CLAP.)

LORNE: Whoa! (CLAPPING STOP) Let’s not jump the gun here.

CONTESTANT C: Man, this sucks.

LORNA: Pardon me?

CONTESTANT C: Oh, sorry. (BUZZ!) Man, this sucks.

LORNA: That’s right, Contestant C! No self-esteem trauma from this show. Does everybody want more points?

CONTESTANT B: (HONK!) I’m outta here.

LORNE: Are you sure? If you leave now, you won’t get your participation ribbon.

CONTESTANT B: (HEARD FROM OFF-STAGE) Fine with me.

CONTESTANT A: (BEEP!) You’re still gonna validate our parking, right?