Shepard-Commander: It's Time for Mass Effect

“Shepard-Commander!” The mere thought of those two words puts a smile on my face and causes my fingers to twitch, longing to feel the controller around my fingertips as my heart skips a beat in pure fangirl excitement. With these words in my head - I know the score. I know it’s time to play Mass Effect again. I take a breath. The galaxy needs saving. It’s all up to me. Wait for me, Kaidan, my love. Liara, don’t be sad. I open my gaming laptop and prepare to start another journey as Commander Shepard. I start the game, hear the music. I’m awed and excited, as if it’s my first time all over again, no matter how many times I play.

I create my Shepard: A custom Male named Reimei Shepard. I chose his background and class: Colonist, War Hero, Sentinel. I then mentally chose his sexuality: Homosexual (thank you pc mods)! With that task now complete, I sit back and watch as my breath is once again taken away while the opening sequence begins. With that, there is no more reality. I’m no longer a single mother of two teenagers, dealing with a painful illness, and taking care of my grandfather that’s suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease. I am Commander Shepard. Defender of the galaxy. Best friend to the Turian, Garrus Vakarian. Mental soul-mate to beautiful and geeky Asari, Liara. Big brother figure to the sweet little Quarian, Tali. Partner-in-Crime with the Krogan, Wrex. Lover and life partner to the human biotic, Kaidan. As Shepard starts his journey with them again, I am reminded just how deeply I love each and every one of them.

I spend the first game utterly transfixed. My Shepard explores the Citadel, scan some keepers. He forges friendships in blood and tears. At times he even loses his sanity as he searches for lost items and minerals on other worlds. He drives around in the unstable Mako, causing all of his friends to sit in horrified wonder as they all ask one question: where in the universe did Shepard get his license to drive that thing? He runs scared from Thrasher Maws before finally killing them and does donuts on the moon. Shepard also finds love and joy unlike any he's known before.

All the while Shepard is fighting something beyond his comprehension. The Reapers. Sovereign. Saren. He helps people. People like those in the Faros colony, where he had to defeat an ancient Thorian plant that held the colonists in the grips of a powerful form of mind control. He also kills people. People like Matriarch Benenzia, Liara’s mother. She was indoctrinated, that is to say that she was being controlled by the Reapers. Shepard had no choice. Neither did Liara, who fought with him against her. As sad as it was for her to kill her mother, she made it clear that her loyalty was to Shepard. She even confessed to him later. He felt bad turning her down, knowing her mother just died, but he was in love with Kaidan. As much as he loved her, he could never fall in love with her. Shepard was only attracted to men, human men. Specifically Kaidan, whom Shepard hoped fancied him back. Thankfully, Liara understood and they continue with their task.

I feel like Captain Kirk on his five-year mission, with a mostly alien crew at Shepard's side, but my Shepard wouldn’t have it any other way. He races against time, struggles with his morality. Shepard hangs up on Council whenever they call him, because why not? He becomes the first human Spectre and takes his orders from the Alliance. Shepard's loyal and goes where Hackett tells him to, defeating enemies like the Geth along the way, and fighting for all species – human and alien alike. Shepard blows things up, scares indoctrinated Asari, and saves the world one sarcastic remark at a time. He does what has to be done, even if that means sacrificing one of his dearest friends, Ashley, in order to save his beloved Kaidan on Virmire.

These are the burdens of command, and of the heart. It’s a decision that will forever haunt my Shepard, but what choice did he have? Let the one he loves die? Not likely. Shepard pushes back his fears, his sadness, and moves forward. At least, he would move forward if the Council would let him. Maybe he hung up on them one too many times. Maybe they’re cowards. Maybe Udina is a bigger jerk than Shepard thought. Regardless, the Council and Udina have conspired together and now Shepard is grounded. Not for long though. Anderson, his adopted space daddy, punches Udina and helps him commit mutiny by stealing the Normandy SR1. In doing so Shepard takes his ship back. Shepard gets the guy. He saves both the Council and the Citadel. As the first game comes to an end, Shepard swears to finish the reapers once and for all. Why? Because he's a proud N7 of the Human Alliance Military. It’s what he does.

I start up Mass Effect 2, while trying my best not to cry ugly tears. I know what’s coming as the ship blows up and my Shepard forces Kaidan to safety while the fires surround them. I know this is goodbye as I watch Kaidan go to the escape pod, wishing Shepard could go with him. But no, Shepard has to save Joker, his pilot. He’s the best pilot in the fleet and one of Shepard's best friends. He can’t leave him. I watch as Shepard saves Joker’s life, and in doing so, sacrifices himself. I think I’m prepared to see my Shepard struggle as he’s cast out into the vacuum of space, losing oxygen fast as he plummets down to an unknown planet to die alone. I’m not prepared. I never am. The tears flow unchecked as I give a moment of silence to my fallen hero.

I then watch as my Shepard is rebuilt and brought back to life two years after his death by a terrorist group called Cerberus, a human first group who does horrible things, all led by The Illusive Man, whom Shepard wouldn’t trust as far he could throw without his biotics. Shepard is forced to work with him, but he doesn't want to. What he wants is to see Kaidan again and hold him close once more, assure him that he's alive and that he's still in love with him. Shepard misses Liara too. She’s his rock, his moral anchor, but she’s not here. Shepard steals himself against the loneliness, the pain, and the fear. At least he still has Garrus and Tali with him. He also has new friends that he can rely on, but for how long? Shepard is on a suicide mission. One wrong move and all his friends could die. The stakes are high, my emotions are higher. I’m swept into a whirlwind.

The Council won’t help Shepard. Still bitter about him hanging up on them, I suppose. Working for a terrorist group doesn’t help, but at least they’ve made him a Spectre again. Not that it matters really. Time is running out. Humans are dying by the thousands and only Shepard can stop it, but at what cost? Kaidan rejects him and he's utterly devastated. It doesn’t help that his fish keep dying on him, but at least his hamster is okay. He also can’t find that last model ship to complete his collection and that empty slot on his wall is going to drive Shepard crazy! Shepard starts to drink his sorrows away while still trying to complete an impossible mission. He's meaner than usual, eager to just get the job done no matter the cost so he doesn’t have to work for these people anymore. Be it through death or finally walking away he’d be rid of them once the mission is over. Yet it all seems so hopeless.

Still, Shepard carries on. He reunites with Liara. She’s changed, not the Liara he loved so dearly. This Liara is bent on revenge. He helps her achieve it and in the process, she helps him find the strength to continue. Continue he does. At last, Shepard puts down the alcohol and picks up his determination as well as his humanity. Things are finally starting to go right for a change. He gets Kelly to feed his fish (and play with his hamster - she may not say anything, but he knows she does). Shepard also found the final model ship for his collection. He looks at his cabin - full of fish, model ships, and his hamster. He picks up his picture of Kaidan and rereads the letter Kaidan sent him after Kaidan's harsh words to him on Horizon. It was a letter that gave Shepard hope that there was still a chance for them. Shepard could dream anyway. More than anything Shepard wants to see him again and wishes that he was here with him, but he can’t dwell on that. Not now. Now is time to take the fight to the Collectors, agents of the Reapers who’s been kidnapping entire human colonies.

Not to mention, of course, that they’ve also kidnapped Shepard's crew, which means they’ve taken Kelly – his fish feeder. They make a plan to rescue the crew, as well as the other humans, and hit the Reapers where they hurt. The joke is on them. While the crew is safe, the other humans aren’t. They’ve been liquefied so they could become…a human Reaper! With Tali and Garrus by his side, they fight, they prevail, they blow things up. Flawless victory. His crew, his friends, are all alive. He's alive, but the cost is high. Too high. The Batarians are now an endangered species. It’s all Shepard's fault. He sacrificed them all in an attempt to simply slow down the Reapers. To buy everyone more time. It’s unforgivable, but he knows in his heart it was the right choice. Even so, Shepard is tried for his crimes and grounded from his ship, the Normandy SR2. All hope seems lost as the Reapers get ever closer to the Milky Way’s doorstep.

Then comes Mass Effect 3. The final game, the home stretch. The Reapers are here. We’re losing the war. Whole planets are lost. Countless civilizations are on the brink of being wiped out. Once again, it’s up to Shepard. He's the galaxy’s only hope since the Council is still useless. He's reinstated into the Human Alliance Military and told to defeat an undefeatable enemy. He watches as Kaidan is injured. Kaidan might not make it. It’s hard. Shepard is shattered, but hey…Kelly took care of his fish while he was locked up and gave them back to him, so yay? Oh, and he found his hamster and all of his model ships. That’s a win, right? It doesn’t make what happened to Kaidan better, but it helps and it also reminds him that he can’t give up. He has to keep fighting because even if Kaidan lives, he won’t live for long if the Reapers aren’t dealt with. Not only must Shepard win against the Reapers, but convince others to give up their petty scabbles and join the fight.

To start with, Shepard cures the Genophage – a disease that is slowly killing the Krogan by greatly stunting their ability to reproduce. Go big, or go home, right? The Krogan are happy. Wrex might name his first child after Shepard. The feat wasn’t without causalities, however. Shepard lost Mordin, the Salarian Scientist, and good friend, in the process. It had to be him though. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Shepard takes a moment to remember how he was going to retire and run tests on seashells. Shepard also remembers with a snicker that Mordin broke the one rule on Omega. Oh, how he’ll miss that singing Salarian. I cry, but still, Shepard presses on.

The fight gets taken to the Citadel where a recently recovered Kaidan, now a Spectre himself, fights by Shepard's side without question and kills Udina, but it’s okay. No one liked Udina anyway. Kaidan and Shepard end up making up and getting back together. Shepard's never been so happy. The world may be ending, but at this moment truer happiness was never seen before. That happiness is dampened by the death of Thane, a Drell and the best assassin Shepard has ever met. His heart was pure gold. Shepard misses him, but he knows that Kalahira will take care of him. He’s now resting on the shore where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, and the hungry never starve. He’s finally with his wife across the sea. One day Shepard will see him there. Until then Shepard pushes forward, battle by battle.

One of those battles is the war raging between the Quarians and the Geth. The Geth are a synthetic race that the Quarians created and tried to destroy once they developed intelligence. Many of the Geth fought for the Reapers, but some rebelled and wanted to fight against them. Shepard didn’t trust them at first, but Legion, a Geth, gave him hope – made him see things from their perspective. Shepard soon counted that loveable Geth who wore his old breastplate and called him “Shepard-Commander” as among his closest, most trusted allies. For Legion's sake, Shepard forced a truce – against Tali’s wishes. Choosing between them, hurting her – Shepard never wanted it to come to that, but he made the right call. A truce was made, but it wasn’t without a terrible loss. Legion sacrificed himself so that his people could be free, truly free. Never again will Shepard be called “Shepard-Commander” with an innocence like that of a child. Yes, Legion. Your unit does have a soul. Keelah Se’lai, my friend. Keelah Se’lai.

Shepard continues to win some, and lose some. Thessia, Liara’s homeworld, falls. Shepard can’t comfort her, not really. She wrote his name in the stars, she guided him, loved him without condition, and he failed her. The guilt is strong, the desire to win even stronger. They can’t win like this though. They need some time off to unwind before the final fight. So they take some shore leave to relax. By relaxing, I definitely mean falling through the floor of a famous sushi restaurant, Shepard learning that he says “I should go” way too often, and meeting his evil clone. When I say evil, I mean evil. He was going to donate Shepard's hamster to an animal shelter for disposal. It was not okay. He messed with Shepard's hamster, made it personal. He had to pay, and pay he did. Once that was over Shepard got to hang out with his friends. By hanging out, I mean listen as all of his friends tease him for ruining the floor of that sushi restaurant and taunt him about his 'hobby' of killing aquatic life, as if Shepard didn't feel bad enough about the fish that Kelly didn't feed. At least he got to spend a nice night with Kaidan, even if Kaidan's cooking isn’t the best, but what can you do? He had beef, bacon, beer… the foods of his people; plus hot sauce. There’s nothing that hot sauce can’t fix. After that, they had one crazy party and Shepard learned that Tali had a thing for Garrus. Oh my!

Finally, shore leave was over. It was a good ride, the best, but all things must end. Shepard has bought every fish he could find, collected every model ship one could get their hands on, played with his hamster…there was nothing left to do but finish what was started years before and say his goodbyes. Some goodbyes were bittersweet, like seeing Garrus and Tali finally hook up, wondering if any of them would live to see the relationship blossom. Then there’s Kaidan’s goodbye, the first of many. He visits Shepard in Shepard's cabin, seduces him, then tells Shepard that he's going to be okay. Shepard almost believes him. There’s so much at stake, and Shepard knows they may lose people. He might die, hurting Kaidan all over again. The moment of truth arrives. The final fight. One last push. Another goodbye. Shepard kisses Kaidan before the final assault. They’re old soldiers him and Shepard, they know that the chances of success are slim. During the final push that becomes even more clear as Kaidan and Liara are both hurt. Shepard takes them to safety. Kaidan begs him not to leave, tells Shepard he loves him. Shepard loves him too, but he can’t stay. He has a war to win. The galaxy needs him to hold the line. So Shepard leaves, rejoining the fight without them.

Shepard makes it to his destination, but he loses Captain Anderson. It’s a senseless death, tragic. David Anderson was one of the first of the N7s. Shepard looked up to him - he was Shepard's mentor, his adoptive father. He believed in Shepard in a way no one else ever had. What would Shepard do without him? At this point, it didn't matter. Shepard was at death's door, but he couldn't give in. Shepard has to survive. For Kaidan, for their future together. A future without the Reapers. Shepard destroys the Reapers, just as Anderson would have wanted. Shepard takes a breath. It’s over. The galaxy is once again at peace and so am I.

With that, I return to reality, never more content with my life as I bask in the afterglow of a great game. I smile, feeling giddy and confident. Once again, I am at peace with myself. If I can take on the Reapers and save the galaxy, then I can do this. I can take care of my grandfather. I can handle his temper and support him as his memory gets worse. I can be the mother my kids need me to be. Accepting, encouraging, always there for them. I can be stronger than the endometriosis that’s plagued me for most of my life. A severe case of Endometriosis which is responsible for seven surgeries, with the possibility of more, yet still leaves me bedridden because of the pain. It's all okay though. It is because, in my heart, I am Commander Shepard still. I always have been. I always will be.

Sometimes, it just takes replaying Mass Effect to remind me that I’m strong, that I can overcome and endure any obstacle in my path. There will always be challenges to face, but I know I can face them. Mass Effect has shown me that it’s possible. Before Mass Effect, I felt so lost, alone, afraid, helpless even. It was hard to be strong, to remember why I woke up and fought the battle of life every day. After Mass Effect, everything changed. Shepard’s journey changed me and I couldn’t be more grateful. No matter how tough things are, I’m tougher. I can do it and if ever I doubt that, I need only replay Mass Effect and I’ll remember – I am N7 Strong for I am Shepard-Commander.