The Funniest Joke in the World

No, this is not about me…

Long ago an Experimental Psychologist named Richard Wiseman was given a mission by The British Science Association – to find the world’s funniest joke.

Richard set forth and endured many hardships – heat waves in the Sahara, Malaria in the Amazon, rogue Orangutans in the jungles of Borneo; being forced to drink Starbucks for 3 weeks across North America…

After many months, Richard found himself weak and dishevelled, high in the Atlas mountains, on the elusive trail of an ancient monk said to possess the funniest joke in all of human history – and he thought “Meh, I’ll just do an online survey.”

So he did. Soon, after 1.5 million people from all around the world had submitted or reviewed over 40,000 jokes, Richard had in his hand the World’s Funniest Joke.

Not all of that story is true. No-one would drink Starbucks for 3 weeks!

But in 2002 an online survey did find the world’s funniest joke. Go see it at www.laughlab.co.uk.

What makes a joke funny? Before we hear the funniest of all, let’s briefly explore the very serious world of Comedy. My research revealed over 8 million different “7 Golden Rules of Comedy” reflecting the subjective nature of humour, and my tendency to exaggerate. I read them all and came up with my own 7:

1. Timing is everything. You may have heard the saying “What is the most important thing about telling a joke timing”. It is true. Many jokes rely entirely on timing. A polar bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a rum…………and coke.” The barman says “Certainly, why the big pause?” and the polar bear says “No idea, I’ve always had ‘em…”. Try telling that without the right pause…

2. Keep it sharp. To learn how to pare down a speech, watch a good comedian. Comedians cannot afford to waste a single word. Every phrase, pause and “Um” is placed with surgical precision. This is comedy! There is no room for silly nonsense! Dave Hughes can tell an entire joke – story and punchline – in less than twelve words: “Bought a packet of Snakes Alive yesterday. They were all dead.”

3. Get your tsuris out. Tsuris is a Yiddish word describing aggravation, troubles, woe. There are no jokes about going on a date with a beautiful woman in a lovely restaurant where your conversation was suave, the dessert delicious and the goodnight kiss free from all accidental mini-vomits.

The joke comes from all the pitfalls embarrassments that people can relate to or that appeal to their sense of schadenfruede – a lovely German word meaning “to take pleasure in the misfortune of others”...

4. Be self-deprecating. Related to Rule 3 but different. No-one laughs at Tony Robbins declaring “God I am AWESOME! Here’s why!” You could, however, have a crowd in stitches by being an armless comic who says “I admit it! I have a drinking problem. I can’t get the bloody glass to my mouth!”…

5. Shock with the rude and taboo. People laugh when they are uncomfortable. There is an embarrassed “OMG I can’t believe he said that!” laughter when someone voices in public things you would never talk about in public.

It is a fine balance between rude-but-funny and offensive – achieve it and combine it with self-deprecation and an appeal to schadenfruede and you have all the ingredients of a timeless funny. I myself will always remember my first ever sexual experience – it was quite intimidating, because it was dark, and I was all alone…

6. Know your audience! What is funny to some won’t be to others. It can be as obvious as “Don’t tell Mohammad jokes in a Mosque” but it is usually much more subtle. Observe before you speak.

The first time I attended my now-in-laws’ Fancy Christmas Dinner, Entrée arrived and my wife’s 8 year old nephew said “What fork do I use Mum?” Mum said “Just start from the outside and work in.”

I laughed and was forced to explain that I was reminded of a joke – Table etiquette is like foreplay – you start from the outside and work in…

(Funny here but…) In the stony silence that followed all I heard was the nephew whispering “Mum, what’s foreplay?”

For God’s sake, know your audience...

7. Work. Good joke tellers appear to spontaneously pop out hilarious anecdotes at the drop of a hat, but for every pithy one-liner starring on a poster of a kitten doing something cute, thousands die in a literary wasteland. Persistence is needed to wade through acres of excrement hunting the material that, after much refining, produces specks of pure comedy gold. These are hoarded patiently and brought out at just the right time.

Long ago a girl I liked was refilling my glass at a party. “Just say when.” She said. I replied “Oh yeah! Right after this drink!” She thought I had been spontaneous, clever and cheeky. She was laughing heartily as she slapped me.

Little did she know I had found that line long before and filed it away, waiting years for an appropriate moment.

Spontaneity requires much preparation!

“Funny”, like art, is entirely subjective. I have presented mere guidelines that can get you in the Ball Park. Finer detail is as elusive as a really elusive thing, but armed with these guides you can now determine why our next joke is so universally hilarious.

I give you the Funniest Joke In The World:

Two hunters are in the forest, hunting. One suddenly collapses and stops breathing. His eyes glaze over. His friend calls Emergency. “Quick! It’s my friend! I think he is dead!”

The operator says “Be calm sir. Firstly, can you just make sure he actually is dead?”

“Sure.”

There is a silence, then BANG!

“Okay. He is definitely dead. What next?”

Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week. Do try the beef…