Throw Away Your Old Phone

Two of my favorite writers recently inspired me on Medium.

In January, Cory Doctorow shared his essay about how the Luddites were forerunners of science fiction writers. The Luddites were artisanal weavers known for burning mills and resisting the Industrial Revolution. In my college years, I considered myself an Earth First neo-Luddite, so his essay caught my eye. Doctorow argues that it wasn’t the machines that they hated, but the consequences of the way the machines are used. Luddites could imagine the future, and their movement was an act of resistance to that future. In that sense, Luddites were like today’s science fiction authors; when we imagine the future, it is not about the machines per se, but rather about the moral choices caused by the introduction of those machines.

Doctorow's essay: Science fiction is a Luddite literature

Lisa Martens shared an essay asking Medium writers to keep it weird. She said she will keep publishing on the popular topics, but she also promised to do her part for weirdness by also publishing the off-the-wall stuff that only gets a few views. This is how we keep things interesting and f**k with the algorithm at the same time. Win-win.

Martens' essay: Writers: Be Weird, Break the Algorithm.

In honor of Lisa and Cory, I give you Greg and his mom.

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One day in the not too distant future, Greg gets a ding on his phone.

A package has been delivered to your door

He gets up from his desk and races to his apartment door and runs down the stairs. And there it is. By some miracle, it has not been stolen. A small box is leaning against the rows of mailboxes in the wall in the entryway.

He picks it up and notices that it is heavier than he expected, and he doesn’t recognize the logo on the box, a smiling octopus.

While it is unusual for him to receive a package he did not order, this is not totally unexpected. Tomorrow, after all, is Greg's 25th birthday. He takes the package and walks back up to his apartment.

Once inside, he gets a knife and carefully cuts the tape on the box. Underneath there is a cardboard topper and in the middle of the topper are embedded two tiny earbuds, with the words

Welcome to your new Personal Assistant, please put the earbuds in to proceed

Greg picks up the earbuds and puts them in his ears. Instantly he hears a robot voice:

English o Español?

English

Please speak a few words to help us adjust our microphone.

A few words

Thank you. Would you like my voice to be male or female?

Greg pauses for a moment. Up until this moment he has not had to make any choices. He is just talking to the earbuds in his apartment. He has not asked for the box and doesn’t know what it is. He is afraid if he starts by making this decision, he will have to make more. But within seconds his curiosity gets the better of him.

Female

The voice comes back, this time sounding like a female American news anchor.

Modulate younger or older?

Uh. A little younger

The voice is a little brighter.

Which accent would you like?

Greg lives in the midwestern USA, but he always loved a southern accent.

Southern?

Like this?

The voice sounds like a young Dolly Parton. Sweet.

That works

Ok. Next question: do you want me to be dominant, submissive, or some of both?

Greg is not expecting this.

Some of both?

Ok. Open the box

He pulls back the cardboard topper and there is what looks like a folded navy blue garment and a small box. He picks up the garment and it looks like a standard tank top with a slight metallic sheen to it. It is surprisingly heavy.

Open the small box

Dolly is being quite direct. Maybe she decided this situation warrants the dom mode. So he picks up the small box and opens it. In the box are two smaller boxes, one labeled right, and one labeled left. They are loaded with contact lenses.

Put in the lenses

Ok, Dolly, he thinks.

There is a small bottle of saline provided, and he takes off his glasses and inserts the lenses. They are nice soft lenses and they are his prescription. Odd. He is starting to have a good idea of who sent this.

Put on the shirt

Weird, he thinks, but I’ve gone this far, might as well see what this is.

Greg takes off his shirt and slips the tank top over his head.

Adjusting

Says Dolly. And he feels the shirt, which had been loose at first, start to tighten in places and stretch in others, until it fits his form.

Testing vitals. Pulse 60. BP 120 over 80. Pulse Ox 90%. Temperature 98.2. Blood Sugar 150. Moderate dehydration. Please go drink a glass of water

As he walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water, he is starting to wonder what else the shirt can do.

Please pick up your phone and enter the passcode

Greg pauses. That is Dolly's second please in a row. Why so nice all of a sudden?

You will need your phone for the next step. Please pick it up and enter the passcode

Was that impatience?

Ok, Dolly. I was just about to

He says, as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and swipes his code. Instantly his contact lenses transform his view into a 3-d version of his phone’s home screen. As he looks around the home screen, a cursor follows his eye movements.

Welcome to your new Personal Assistant. I heard you call me Dolly, so that will be my name until you change it. I’m very glad to meet you, Gregory. May I call you Greg?

Yes. Please

Very well Greg, let me introduce you to some of the features. I respond to voice or eye instructions. If you want to navigate the features on your phone, you can use your eye to move the cursor and then blink twice to select. Or you can just ask me. For example, say Netflix

Netflix

And then the lenses go black and the Netflix home screen appears in front of him. Dolly says

You might want to sit down if you want to watch something now. Otherwise, say close Netflix

Close Netflix

And the transparent home screen reappears on the lenses.

Now call your mother. She is expecting you

What? How do you know?

I know from your calendar it is your birthday tomorrow, and you just got a mysterious package. Your mother might have something to do with it. Just a guess. That’s my job as your new Personal Assistant. To make a call, let’s try the eye movement selection

Greg looks at the phone icon and blinks twice. He looks at recent calls and blinks twice again. Then he finds mom near the top and blinks twice. He hears a phone ringing and soon he sees his mom standing in front of him.

Gregory! Did you get it? Is that why you are calling?

Greg can see the hint of an earbud in his mom’s ear and a little shine of a shimmery blue under her shirt.

Mom! What the hell is this?

A simple Thank You would be nice. You don’t know what I had to do to get them to send a prototype to you. This is the next big thing. You can throw away that old phone. And your computer, for that matter. Come here, let me give you a hug!

Then the mom on his lenses starts to walk toward Greg with open arms. When she gets close, she closes her arms as if she is hugging him. The shirt gives him a gentle squeeze in the exact spots where his mom would be touching him if she were in the room. He jumps back and his mom says

Pretty cool, huh? Come on back and get a real hug. What? Are you afraid?

Then Greg hears Dolly’s voice

She can’t hurt you

This all feels like too much, but he takes a step forward and his mom hugs him again. The shirt squeezes him gently, and this time Greg hugs back. His mom says

Have a seat

Greg sits down on the couch and his mom brings a chair from somewhere and sits down in her own space. Greg says

But how do you charge it? What do you do when you need to sleep or shower?

The shirt, lenses, and earbuds charge themselves. You know how those expensive watches charge with the motion in your arm? Our scientists have figured out how to charge the units from a combination of body motion and your heartbeat. As long as you’re alive, you won’t need to plug anything in. The components are made to be comfortable, odor-fighting, and waterproof, so you can sleep and shower in them. Isn’t it awesome?

Mom? How long have you been wearing your Personal Assistant?

George has been with me for almost three weeks. It has been so hard keeping him a secret, but I wanted yours to be a surprise for your birthday.

Mom? How can I see you? How did you hug me? I don’t understand

Well. I couldn’t get the company to send the upgrades to you, so we had to start with the basic model for you. My upgrades include special gloves that interact with other people wearing a Personal Assistant and a tiny drone that shows me when I’m on a call. We are working on more upgrades too

How do I turn it off?

Just then Greg feels a slight tightening of the shirt. Or does he? Maybe he is imagining things. Was Dolly listening and responding to the suggestion of being turned off? No, it couldn’t be. But Greg makes a mental note to ask Dolly to switch to submissive mode.

Why would you want to do that? I’ve never turned mine off. When I don’t want George around, I ask him to go to sleep for a while. Do you still have your treadmill? Let’s go for a walk

Greg walks to the office where the treadmill sits gathering dust. He can’t remember the last time he used it. He steps on it and turns it on and starts a slow walk.

Ok, Mom, I’m on the treadmill

Ok, Greg, I’m going to share my immersive view camera

Immediately Greg's lenses go dark and then the scene comes up. He sees his mom on his left walking on the sidewalk in front of her house towards the main street a few blocks south. The drone must be matching her pace. He can hear birds singing in his earbuds and when a car drives by he can hear the noise of the engine. He turns his head to the sound, and the camera follows his gaze to see the car driving away down the street. He looks forward and keeps walking with his mom as she starts talking about his sister and her kids and their soccer game. When they come to the crosswalk, she stops walking and Greg does too, instinctively. As soon as he stops, the treadmill keeps going and dumps him on the ground in his office.

Greg?!? Are you all right?

It is Dolly’s voice. It sounds like genuine concern.

Yes, Dolly. Just getting used to this thing

Who’s Dolly?

Greg’s mom asks. Greg looks up from where he fell and sees that her drone must have followed his path down because he is now looking up at her.

Oh, that is a name I’m trying out for my Personal Assistant. Dolly was just asking if I was all right after my fall. I’m fine, by the way. I just forgot to keep walking when you stopped at the crosswalk, is all.

Ha! I did that the first time. We will have to design an upgrade to mesh with a smart treadmill

Yes, you will, Mom. I gotta go. Some friends are coming over soon for an early birthday get-together. And I have to put some ice on my head.

Ok, dear. Enjoy Dolly!

She moves in for another hug, his shirt squeezes him, and Greg hugs her back.

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This story was originally published on Medium on March 14th, 2022. Please follow me there for more stories and essays.