All* Of Your Artificial Intelligence Questions Answered

Author's preface: Can't believe I have not republished this until now. A classic from way back in 2017. Still mostly true. Crazy how smart I was back then....lol! Enjoy!

1. What is AI?

Artificial technology or AI is a putative, entirely theoretical, currently non-existent, ill-defined, possibly non-definable (concept, thing, being, computer, program, robot, etc.) that will either a.) solve all the worlds problems or b.) end the world. Actually (b) would solve all the worlds problems in a way, if you really think about it. Also apparently there are types of AI and kinds of AI and the latest entrant, Systems of Intelligence (SoI). These are what are known as hedges. It is key that you understand and use them appropriately. Basically whenever anyone starts to question you a little too closely, maybe asks to see your AI, or even just talk to it, you need to be ready to deploy your hedge. See question 5 for more detail on this critical and oft overlooked aspect of the AI field.

2. How can I get rich off of AI?

But wait a minute, you might be saying to yourself, if AI doesn’t exist how can I possibly use it to get filthy stinkin rich? I’m no 1970s mustachioed pornstar Elon Musk, I’m just your average Joe business owner/slacker/n’er do well. The answer is simple my average/lazy/criminal friend, your business can benefit from AI through the magic of hype. This simple yet powerful 4 letter word can transform even the largest of turds into a gold plated cash log. With the power of AI, and more importantly hype, your constant rice-water diarrhea (could be Vibrio, might want to get that checked) will consist of hundreds and your vomit composed of polished diamonds. You had better hurry though because the “singularity” is “just around the corner” and could “happen any time now” or in 2020 or in 2045 or whenever, and once it does the earth will be transformed into a new a garden of Eden, only it won’t be a garden it will be a big pile of circuits and what not. Wait, what? Don’t worry about that average Joe businessman/layabout/crime lord you just focus on the now. Also go to the doctor soon because you are going to get seriously dehydrated from the constant diarrhea.

3. Isn’t AI just one of those tech buzzwords like machine learning or predictive analytics, you know one of those terms that sound all cutting edge and transformative but are really just different ways of describing software packages that use advanced statistical approaches and clever mathematics to analyze huge amounts of input data and output different data based on their programming and the desires of their users?

Yes. Don’t forget artificial neural networks, also one of those things. And nano-anything these days.

4. Follow up question are the algorithms that make use of those statistical and mathematical approaches often iterative, repeating steps and parts of steps and changing in response to differing inputs over time almost like a hypothetico-deductive reasoning process a human might use?

Whoa! Slow down there Aristotle

5. Hypotheto-deduct a what?

Like I said slow down Wittgenstein but yeah sure, I guess, possibly, so what, you got a point?

6. What are deep AI, types of AI, hard AI , soft AI, general AI, special AI, and systems of intelligence?

These are what are known as hedges (this concept was introduced in question 1, you didn’t read it? wtf? then scroll back up to the beginning. You damn millenials are so freakin lazy, and entitled, spoiled really, it’s all the fault of helicopter parents and the everybody gets a trophy culture we live in today). When someone is called out on their bullshit yet they do not wish to concede that in fact what they have been saying is bullshit, they often resort to hedges. This allows them to continue milking the money train that the original bullshit started rolling while at the same time giving them plausible deniability when the inevitable crash happens. For example, “Mr. Tech genius you told us AI existed, that it was being used now in actual products that consumers could buy. How do you explain that?” “If you examine my statements closely you will see that I never said that, I said types of AI were being used, soft AI, not the deep AI that most people think of….blah, blah, etc.” Another example that might be more relatable for the average Joe six pack concerns your classmate Tommy (asshole) from college. He’s the dick who banged your future wife then had the gall to lie to your face about it but you forgave him because you are a bitch boy. Anyway, Tommy butt-face starts ragging on you because the latest AI claim was debunked (this happens a lot so a pertinent example). You respond calmly and simply with the following, “Fuck you dickweed, I never said AI, I said type of AI, they are totally different things, it was artificial general intelligence that was debunked (again), I only ever talk about artificial special intelligence, it is a kind of AI, ass clown.” Don’t worry Tommy will get his once the singularity comes (revisit question 2 for more exciting details on this once/never in a lifetime event).

7. If these terms are basically made up why are the people “making” and marketing them swimming in pools of cocaine and getting blowjobs from between 2–5 supermodels at the same time every night?

Because the world is a very unfair place. However, don’t despair because if you play by the rules, study, work hard, and are honest you will arrive home from your job each night with a sense of satisfaction that…ah fuck it. I give up. Where can I sign up for that nanodegree program in machine learning? Udacity here I come! The fightin Udes! See question 2 for more thoughts on how you can get rich and get blowjobs and coke or crystal meth or all of the above (if you’re into that sort of thing) through the wonder and power of AI.

8. I saw something the other day about artificial emotional intelligence, what is that?

That my friend is the end. Can someone give me directions to the nearest loony bin please? I believe I have officially gone insane in the membrane.