Age Defying

Content warning: death, suicide

Charlie

Today is my 35th birthday. I am now the same age as my mother, who I know is coming over today, even if she hasn’t told me yet. I hate the way she just assumes she’s always welcome over whenever she pleases. As if I even want her over here at all.

She made the decision to stop aging when I was twelve. She went through with the operation without telling me. Not that she had to, I was young and she was grieving. Without my father, who died when I was barely 10 years old, she had no option in her mind. According to her, it was either leave me with no parents or leave me with her forever. No chance of her ever going anywhere. No chance of her leaving her only child alone. As if she didn’t decide to go through with it, she would lie down and die right then and there.

When she did tell me about the injections, my mother burst through the door. The biggest smile was plastered on her face but tears streamed down her cheeks. Confused, I rushed over to her. That’s when she told me what had been going on. How she had done it for me and that now, I would never have to worry about ever being alone. It had never occurred to my young brain that I was afraid of that.

I wasn’t angry or upset with the decision, I had to give her a break. Losing my dad was one of the worst things I’ve seen her go through. So, of course, I understood but I never realized how big of an impact this one change was going to make.

Clara

The decision wasn't a hard one. My son wasn’t even a teenager yet and he only had me. Charlie was a kid who didn’t make many friends and I wanted to make up for that by always being there for him when he was alone because his father couldn’t. I was always one step behind just in case he needed his mother.

My husband was taken from us too early and I couldn’t handle it. In the two years that followed, I wasn’t me anymore. I was there but I wasn’t. So I started going to a support group for grieving partners. It helped. I met some people, connected with others who were feeling like me, and discovered that I didn’t have to be alone in this grief process. A month or so into these group sessions, a group of mom’s that I keep in contact with informed me of this new procedure that allowed us all to protect our children forever. One that allows grieving mothers and single parents to never have to worry about becoming a burden to their children or leaving them alone. A procedure to stop aging. To stop the aging process of our bodies altogether to be able to be with our kids forever.

All I could think about was my baby boy. They were right. What was he going to do without me? I was the only friend he had, the only person to take him out for fun, feed him, and dress him. What is he supposed to do if I can’t guide him and protect him at every crossroad in his life? I was his everything.

The next week, I decided to talk to my doctor. He told me about the process that could stop my aging. Age Defying Inc. had become the first major company to allow this type of technology to go public. They had been running tests for decades and had finally figured out how to allow humans to completely stop the aging process. It involves the manipulation of the cells by injection of a certain medication they give. It gives mankind a choice of how they want to live. To give me the ability to never have to worry about the struggles of aging and never have to leave my loved ones behind. He explained that this procedure has been worked on for decades and many people have seen wonderful results with it. He gave me a very high success rate if I choose to go through with it. All it took was a small injection two times a week for a month and then I’d never have to worry about it again.

My son still had no idea what was going on. I knew if I told him, it would be the end of him. I had to go through with it, to protect him. The loss of two parents would leave him with nothing. I had no choice. No choice but this one. We went through with it that day. Only a few days after my 35th birthday. The last birthday I would ever celebrate.

Charlie

It’s been odd growing up this way. The older I got, the weirder it felt. I just kept getting closer and closer to my mother's forever age. She acted like it was the best thing in the world, for her, I assume it truly was. She would be young forever, living her life as the same woman she’s been for years now. Feeling fantastic and loving me to the fullest.

To me though, this whole decision has pushed me away from her, rather than made us closer, which is what I assume she thought it was going to do.

What I don’t think she understands is the older I got, the more I envied her on the decision. I kept aging, getting older, wiser, and more knowledgeable and she was just always there. As if she was stuck, always stuck right next to me. Once she gained the ability to stop aging, she decided to stop living. Acted like the only purpose she had now, was to keep me going. That made me resent her. Why would she go through all this trouble and spend all of this money just to get stuck doing nothing with her life? Wouldn’t you want to do everything you could? Experience every aspect of life now that you have no fear of slowly aging to death. Yet, there's never a day that goes by when I don’t see her. Where she doesn’t want to come with me to this or take me to this. My life had turned into hers and there wasn’t a decision I made that was truly mine until I was able to escape to college. Yet, it was still a college that was chosen “together” so she would be able to keep tabs on me.

Trust me, I know she loves me and I know she's my mother and I love her. But could you imagine your own mother all of a sudden being the same age as some of your friends? Now, on this day, I am the same age as her. Do you know how hard that is to comprehend? The biggest thing that I don’t understand is why would she want to be able to outlive her child.

Clara

Homemade birthday cake in hand, I headed over to Charlie's apartment. Today is his birthday. Not just any birthday but the same birthday on which I had stopped aging. When I dropped everything for him and only him. My heart is racing at the thought of asking him what I’ve been preparing for these last couple of weeks. I want him to stop aging with me. Stay the same age as me for the rest of our lives, however long that may be. I have a feeling that it might take some convincing but I know ultimately, he will make the right decision. I have been wanting this for so long.

I ring the doorbell with a smile. I wanted to surprise Charlie so I didn’t tell him I was on the way over. Charlie opens the door, phone up to his ear. He rolls his eyes when he sees it’s me but lets me in, and turns back to what he was doing without even acknowledging the beautiful light blue frosted cake. No worries, he’s always busy nowadays. He’ll try some later.

I sit down at the kitchen table as Charlie walks into the other room to ensure I don’t hear the conversation but I try to keep an ear on it anyhow. I am his mother after all, shouldn’t I know what’s going on with him?

Every time I come into this apartment, I am astonished at how clean and pristine it is. Walls lined with nondescriptive paintings, surfaces completely free of fingerprints or dust, and a wall of sparkly clean windows exposing the most beautiful view of the city. I must admit, Charlie has done pretty well for himself. He stayed close to home, mainly because I couldn’t handle him going to college more than an hour away. Ended up in law school and has since been working to open his own firm. I don’t understand most of it but I am very proud of how far he has come. The only thing missing is a girl of his own. There had been some lucky ones in the past but they never seemed to stick. I could never figure out why, I always spent time with them when I could and I enjoyed getting to know each of them. By the time they were gone, I thought I had lost a daughter I knew them all so well. They just always seemed to slowly slip away.

I hear Charlie walk back into the kitchen, off the phone now, sighing with disappointment.

“Everything okay?” I ask trying to sound positive. “It’s your birthday, you shouldn’t be upset.”

He doesn’t even look at me, just eyes the cake that’s been on the counter since I got here.

“I know it’s my birthday…Chocolate?” He sounded annoyed. I try turning it around to make him smile.

“Of course! It’s always been your favorite.” Excitement flutters in my chest. I just want to see him happy today. He shouldn’t have to be so uptight and stressed because of work all of the time. He needs a break so I figured, this is the best time.

“Maybe we can make this day better?” I walk over to him and place my hands over his, he pulls away but I keep my eyes locked on his. “I want you to stop aging with me.”

Charlie

I stare at my phone, the screen blank. Mind spinning. She left me. Just like every last one of them. This one though, I thought was different. I kept her out of the loop when it came to my mother. Sabrina, my girlfriend, well I guess now ex-girlfriend, broke up with me on the grounds of me not sharing a big part of my life. My mother. What she doesn’t understand is that I was saving her. My mother is the thing that drove them all away. None of my past girlfriends could get over the fact that my mother was always around and the weirder part was that she just kept getting closer and closer to my own age. Some previous girlfriends were worried she would become the only thing I cared about. Others claimed that being around both my mother and me made it feel like I had another girlfriend instead of a mother. How was I supposed to fix that? All I want is for my mom to back off and allow me to have my own personal life. To have a life of my own.

I’m fuming with anger when I step out of my room and see her sitting there. As young as I’ve always remembered her but a stranger all at once. Again she’s just admiring my apartment like this is what she had always wanted for me. The funny thing is, I did this part without her. I wouldn’t let her pay for school, I didn’t let her convince me to do this or that, it was all me. All my dedication and effort got me here. I worked very hard to be able to say that. Don’t get me wrong, she was over every night to “make me dinner” or “keep an eye on me” or the worst one, to “hang out”. She never let me do anything completely on my own, she was always in the background.

I was so ready for the day to be over at this point. I hated my birthday, and have since I was a teenager. What’s the point in celebrating my getting older when it seems like the only person I can keep in my life, doesn’t age themselves? Seeing the same cake that she bakes for me every year just laying on the counter, untouched, pristine, and beautiful, made me want to smash it on the floor but instead, I try to start the conversation.

Unfortunately, I can’t stop staring at that damn cake. I’m so angry that I barely hear the words coming out of my mother's mouth. In the 35 years that I’ve been alive, I have only ever been able to keep one girlfriend around longer than 6 months until Sabrina. It had been almost two years of us being together and I thought maybe she could be the one. I was successfully keeping her away from my mother but that meant only seeing Sabrina after work and having her out before noon the next day. I never knew when my mother would pop by. Until Sabrina got sick of it, she wanted me to stop hiding her and our relationship. But in reality, I just wanted this one thing to go right and when anything comes close to my mother, it collapses and I’m left alone again. I was ready to spend my life with Sabrina. I had a whole plan. Propose, sell my apartment, move across the country without ever telling my mother where I went, and finally, FINALLY live my own life.

I finally look at her when she begins to walk over to me, looking anxious but excited. Confused and still angrier than ever, I step back a bit, now nervous about what may be happening.

“...I want you to stop aging with me…” I hear the words but it doesn't compute. Did she really just ask me that?

“Excuse me?” I stare at her with complete disbelief. “Why in hell would I ever do that?”

She produces some weird fake smile and tears begin to form in her eyes, it doesn’t phase me though. The anger inside me blocks out all other feelings.

“So we could be together forever. So that I will never have to worry about losing you and we can be happy forever living young, together.” I’m staring at her absolutely dumbfounded. That’s when I snapped, everything came out at once. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I’m yelling with such force, she moves back, almost afraid. “I would never, and I mean NEVER, want to live my life the way you are right now. Mom you have given up everything to make me hate you, hate the person you are now. You are nothing but an empty mirror reflecting my life, one which I don't have because of you. I’m lucky enough to even have the job that I do and none of that is thanks to you. You’ve driven away everyone I could’ve loved, had a life with, had a family with, because you never leave. You aren’t a person anymore and it’s all because of those damn injections!” I take a deep breath and see her try to say something but I cut her off.

“I mean seriously? What was your plan here? That on my birthday we would just waltz down to the clinic and I would all of the sudden decide to be just like you? Do you think we live in some fairytale and were supposed to ride off into the sunset together?” I shake my head sighing. “Listen, I know you haven’t been the same since Dad died. I haven’t come out and said any of this because of that, but you never processed what happened, you sat in it until it swallowed you whole. So of course, the only thing you could think of was smothering me to dull the pain. As long as you were doing something for me, or with me, or just plain annoying the hell out of me, it didn’t matter because you had me.” My hands were shaking with anger, “Think about it though, was that okay to do to a child? I wasn’t even a teenager yet and all of a sudden my mother was never going to have another birthday, never have a steady job, never have hobbies or friends of her own instead. She would become my fucking shadow!” I can feel my blood boiling and tears forming. Now it’s my turn to start crying. There are too many things I want to say but honestly don’t want to give her the satisfaction of hearing.

I didn’t realize I had started pacing until I stopped. My mother who has barely moved a muscle is standing there, hands holding her chest, crying. I have no sympathy for her. She overflowed with selfishness and I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved my way passed her, not saying a word, grabbed my coat, keys, and wallet, and slammed the door on the way out.

Clara

I don’t know how to react. My son who I thought loved me as much as I loved him, has just broken my heart. How could he say those things? Doesn’t he know that everything I’ve done for decades now has been for him? As soon as he slams the front door, I race after him. I don’t deserve this! We need to have an adult conversation about my offer and what it can do for him.

Tears crowd my vision as I chase after him. Down the hallway, towards the stairs, my feet moving faster than my brain can comprehend. I see him reach the exit at the bottom of the stairs and I yell out for him. For a split second Charlie stops, I keep running but I see him look up at me, wipe away a tear, and walk out.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs and pull the door to the street open, I hear tires screech. It was the loudest noise I’ve ever heard, it rings in my ears. My heart stops as my eyes find what made the car break so suddenly. My son layout on the ground. The car's windshield completely shattered, my son is face down, a broken arm and leg clear through the blood.

I run to him. This is my fault. I’m screaming and crying when I reach him laying still on the ground. Blood pooled around his head and I couldn't see his face, I knew without looking though that he wasn’t breathing.

“Someone! Someone, please call for help! We need an ambulance!” I keep screaming and screaming. People stood and stared, even after the police and the ambulance got there. Not that there needed to be an ambulance, he was long gone before they got there. I couldn’t watch as they loaded his body, completely covered in a dead white sheet, into the vehicle to take him away.

I never stopped crying. Through the questioning, through the funeral plans, through the burial. Only I was there anyhow. Family had been gone just as long as I’ve been 35. I truly had no one. No one. Alone. I’m alone. My purpose for living is now gone and I was only moments away from having him forever. How could the world do this to me? As I sit here on the bench near his headstone, the same age I’ve been for decades, the same empty being I have been for years upon years, I have no hope for the world let. I have nothing. I gave everything to be with him forever. That’s not going to change.

I take one last look at my son’s name engraved in stone and begin to walk back to the last place I saw him. I stroll slowly along the people-filled streets. Unknown to those who are living ageless like me or who are aging gracefully into the ground as my son is doing now. I take in the air and the sun and the grief that has filled my body and mind to the brim. Suddenly, I find myself on the roof of my son’s apartment building, looking down at the same street my son died on. Looking at the same town I’ve always been in, the same place my husband died, the same block I made the decision to change my life forever. I take one last deep breath, close my eyes, and let the world around float above me.

I whisper into the universe, “I’m coming Charlie” as the world goes dark forever.