What Is Sexual Frustration and How Does It Affect You?

Petting puppies and uncorking a fresh bottle of your favorite wine are two of life's greatest pleasures, followed by good sex (whether it's sex with oneself or sex with a partner). However, you're not alone if you're worried, irritated, or disappointed with the amount of sex you're not getting. Sexual frustration, it turns out, is a very real phenomenon, and it's a lot more prevalent than you might believe.

While sexual dissatisfaction isn't an "official" diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Emily Jamea, PhD, a sex and relationships therapist, says many people feel it at some point in their lives. "Unmet sexual demands cause feelings of discontent, anxiety, wrath, and even melancholy," Jamea explains. It happens when "you have an expectation surrounding sex that isn't met," as Marla explains. Renee Stewart is a sexologist and expert for the Lovers sexual wellness brand.

Because people's goals, needs, and desires ebb and flow throughout their lives, it's understandable that you would feel sexually unsatisfied at some point. Maybe you're approaching a phase when you want more closeness, maybe your partner doesn't require as much physical contact as you want, or maybe you just have a sudden craving for more oral sex (love that for you). Whatever the case may be, if your sexual demands aren't met, sexual frustration is a very real effect, and your sentiments are understandable.

But don't worry—whether you're the one who craves more sex or your partner's desires outnumber yours, we've got you covered. We consulted with experts to learn everything there is to know about sexual frustration, from how to recognize it to how to deal with it.

Because sex and emotional closeness are typically linked, if there is a disconnect between one's sexual demands and actual sexual fulfillment, one can get sexually frustrated. "Sex allows for self-expression, emotional connection, and physical pleasure," Jamea explains. "Sexually frustrated people frequently mention feeling lonely and isolated in their relationships."

While sexual frustration affects people of all genders, Jamea points out that it manifests itself in different ways in different people. Sexual frustration is common among cis-women since their partners don't know how to fulfill them or are unwilling to experiment sexually, she explains. And, contrary to popular belief, blue balls do not equal sexual frustration in persons with penises. Sexual frustration, according to Jamea, is more of an "emotional state," whereas blue balls are a brief physical sensation that occurs when a person with a penis has sexual stimulation without a release.

Why do people have sexual irritability?

Because everyone is different and it can be caused by a multitude of reasons, there isn't one clear-cut reason why people experience sexual frustration. "When two people in a relationship encounter a gap in their desire for sex," Jamea continues, "that is the most prevalent."

If one person has a considerably higher sex drive than their spouse, the higher sex drive individual may experience sexual dissatisfaction since their partner simply does not want to have sex as often or in the same way. On the other hand, even if you're having sex every day, it's possible to feel sexual frustration if your partner isn't learning—or isn't *willing* to learn—your sexual likes and dislikes. Jamea notes, "Sexual compatibility is vital." "There's a lot of evidence that there's a substantial association between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction," she says.

However, people in relationships aren't the only ones that suffer from sexual frustration; single people do as well. During the epidemic, Jamea says, mental health experts noted an increase in unattached sexual frustration since people couldn't date or have sex as frequently as they could before. This isn't just a couple's curse, but don't worry, there's a way to get rid of it.

Remember that sexual dissatisfaction isn't just about having sex; it's also about the intimacy that goes along with it. "People can masturbate to take care of the physical element," Jamea continues, "but only a partner can satisfy the emotional component."

How to Spot Sexual Dissatisfaction

Sexual dissatisfaction might develop in the same way that everyday dissatisfaction does. People who are sexually frustrated often feel like they are caught in traffic, late for work, and have a short fuse. While sexual frustration can manifest itself in a variety of ways, Stewart thinks there are a few telltale signals you're dealing with it:

. In your life and/or relationship, there is a new absence of sex and intimacy.

. You're more aware of your surroundings, especially when you're having sex.

. When you have sex with a partner and/or alone, you don't get as much pleasure.

. When you have sex, you do not experience orgasm (even if you have in the past).

. You have a lot of sex-related ideas, often at inopportune moments.

. You are unable to concentrate on daily tasks due to a lack of focus.

. You and/or your partner are emotionally and/or physically estranged.

. You become enraged at your lover over seemingly unimportant matters.

. You try to initiate sex far more frequently than it is reciprocated, or you stop initiating sex altogether.

. You decline sex with your partner more frequently, or you don't start sex because you know it won't be enjoyable.

. Your lover refuses to learn how to sexually pleasure you.

In addition to the aforementioned symptoms, Jamea claims that persons who are experiencing sexual frustration frequently experience a general sense of weariness. "Studies show a strong link between sexual satisfaction and a sense of significance in one's life, happiness, physical health, mental health, sleep quality and relationship satisfaction," she says. "If you're having trouble in any of these areas, sexual frustration could be to cause."

What are the ramifications of sexual dissatisfaction?

Sexual frustration, as you might expect, is unpleasant for everyone. It's not only that your sexual demands aren't being met; it's also that it's hard on your body in a variety of ways.

When a person feels sexually frustrated, the stress hormone cortisol is released, which can lead to exhaustion, irritation, anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, constipation, or sexual disorders like anorgasmia, erectile dysfunction, or reproductive issues, according to Stewart. You may also have "emotional distress, particularly with your lover," she adds.

How do you handle sexual irritability?

The good news is that if sexual dissatisfaction is causing you stress, there are a variety of short- and long-term solutions available.

If you're having sexual problems, try the following:

Jamea emphasizes the significance of being careful in how you convey your sentiments to your partner first and foremost. While communication is important, criticizing your partner for their lower desire levels (in comparison to yours) is not only inappropriate, but it will also not assist either of you. She advises, "Make sure to tell [your partner] you want deeper emotional connection and intimacy." "Making it more about the physical release may make your partner feel objectified," says the author.

Stewart proposes channeling that pent-up sexual energy into something else in the near term, such as exercise, masturbation, or physical activity you enjoy. This can cause your body to release endorphins, making you feel better — and more clear-headed — when you're talking to your spouse.

And when you do sit down to talk, Stewart advises, keep an open mind and be understanding. "Talk through your thoughts with [your partner] and reassure them that they are loved and that you can work together to make sure you're on the same page."

If your partner is having sexual problems, you should:

Hearing that your partner is sexually dissatisfied can send off your internal alarm and make you feel like it's all your fault, but take a deep breath before you go down the rabbit hole. Before panicking, Jamea recommends people actively listen and empathize with their sexually unsatisfied partners. "Admitting to feeling lonely in a relationship owing to unmet sexual demands might feel vulnerable," she explains. "As much as the emotional and companionship components of their connection, couples must work jointly to cater to the erotic part of their partnership."

While deciding on a number of times per week or month to have sex is a frequent approach, Jamea believes it may not work for everyone. "First and foremost, people in partnerships must understand what is driving the disparity. Is the higher-desire partner overly reliant on sex in the relationship to unwind or feel validated? Is the spouse with the lesser desire too stressed to relax and get in the mood? Working together to understand and work with what drives each other's sexual impulses can go a long way toward reducing the gap."

To move forward, Jamea recommends focusing on improving the quality of your sexual contacts rather than the quantity. "How delightful the sexual encounter usually has more to do with sexual satisfaction than how often you do it," she argues. This is when the assistance of a sex therapist might be beneficial. You and your partner can better align themselves with each other's sexual goals and wants with the guidance of a skilled specialist.

If counseling isn't an option for you, you could attempt pleasure mapping, tantric sex exploration, or experimenting with various sex devices to improve your sexual experiences. According to Jamea, this can make it simpler to focus on the emotional connection that the sexually dissatisfied spouse is likely craving.

Above all, however, it is critical to be kind to yourself. Sexual frustration is fairly normal, and as our bodies change (for example, the stress of a years-long worldwide pandemic, burnout, changing periods in your relationships... you get the picture), we may just desire something different than previously, according to Stewart. "All we have to do now is make the necessary adjustments."