The Hunt for the ‘D’

I never really felt womanly or feminine. It doesn’t come natural to me. I keep searching for answers on how to be but what is gender anyways, it constantly changes based on the time or person l, it’s really what you want it to be. I just feel like a person , not a woman, lady , girl, female. Although my mindset is stuck in the imitation of what a girl is or should be. And because I don’t know how to do this, no man can ever attempt to pursue me.

I’m impatient can’t wait and watch while they attempt to play their games. Not knowing what is to come next.

At 27 I was officially done . I said this at 25 and around 26 ended up on a dating site to try my luck . I guess I needed one last woorah to tell and even remind me why I need to stick to the plan and follow my first suggestions to make my life easier. I guess a relationship isn’t my path in life maybe I am supposed to do something else

To be honest I didn’t see children or marriage for myself , it may have been a desire but nothing that I thought that could be actually real for me. Besides nothing else good had happened in my life .

I never was happy or knew how to experience it, I could have spurts of peace or satisfaction but never full happiness , nothing that lasted for more than a few hours .

Everyone else could see their faults , adjust or fix them over time not me. Felt like I was making the same mistakes even with me actively trying to choose different.

No one has the key just their own experience on what they think it is or what works for them.

Never experienced anyone being around or wanting to be around me. Seemed like everyone had someone but me , or at least could get that someone to come back around ; that’s what I was told I had to do, ‘chill, relax, wait a while and then come back around.

Never got to know who he really was just my assumptions based on how he treated me doesn’t mean he’d treat others the same way

I became a drifter in life

Lived my life like it was no ones business because it wasn’t anyone’s business

People think because your fucking That equates to a relationship only women believe that , insecurities leads to poor choices because of low self esteem so you allow your self to become used and abused

I was experiencing 30 alone and he was watching

Sinks in at the end of the day especially during bitter cold winters

It still hurts

A man I am in love with called the police on me once. But I was borderline stalking him, I was deranged and mental and yes the D was that good.

This was a highly delusional time for me and I am embarrassed by how crazy I acted. Showing up to his house, spraying silly string on his car , breaking his rear view mirror.

We met in Jan 2019 and it quickly went down hill. He blocked and ghosted me a few weeks later. I can’t say I got over him because in August 2020 we started talking again. I was surprised but the D is good so I welcomed him with open arms and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t plotting for my baby.

Dedicated to every insecure girl wishing for more

More to come..