The Big “Oh”: How to Have Them, and Keep Them Coming

Letting go of anything can be a challenging experience. Whether you are letting go of old habits, an ex, or foods that no longer agree with you (any lactose-intolerant cheese fans here?) releasing one’s need for control is NOT easy. And it’s just as prevalent in the bedroom! As a sex and relationship coach, I see this come up time and time again in my personal and professional practice.

I wonder if you have ever struggled to achieve an orgasm? If yes, you’re not alone! If you’re familiar with the pleasure gap, you might know the difficulties women and folks with vaginas face on how to reach orgasm. Regardless of how you identify, it’s easy to get distracted during sex (solo or partnered). When we’re not present during sex, it makes experiencing pleasure seem more like work than fun. Here are some tips and tricks I have learned along the way to allow you to surrender yourself to the sexual experiences you deserve.

Invest in Sex toys to help you reach a mind-blowing orgasm

The Womanizer Premium 2 Sex Toy

One of my favorite tools for pleasure is the luxurious Womanizer Premium 2, which (in my opinion) should be a staple in every vagina-haver’s sex toy collection. The Womanizer was my first intro to quality sex toys and holds a special place in my heart. With their patented Pleasure Air Technology, the toy focuses mainly on the clitoris (although it comes in variations) and gives the user a sensation of suctional vibrations that send waves of pleasure throughout the body. 98% of users have experienced an orgasm the first time they used this toy!

If you’re looking for a sex toy that will allow you to surrender to a new level of bliss ( to reach multiple orgasms), I cannot recommend this one enough. This toy was there for me when I was nervous and first starting to experiment with my body and sexuality and it’s literally sitting on my nightstand staring at me now. If you don’t want to take it from me, I gifted one to a friend who said it made her squirt the first time she used it. It’s that good.

Although it might seem intimidating at first (totally normal!) exploring your body will create a healthy foundation of sexual experiences to grow and blossom from. Allowing yourself permission to be curious and experiment will help build the acceptance needed to develop trust and confidence in oneself. I strongly believe that solo play is the most important sexual relationship you will have in this lifetime. After all, who knows you better than you?

The We-Vibe Chorus Vibrator

For those who are partnered and looking to explore, I highly recommend using the We-Vibe Chorus, an intuitive couples vibrator that highlights mutual satisfaction and is remote-controlled. My favorite thing about the We-Vibe Chorus is how it’s easily shaped to fit your body. It will have your g-spot singing! Another fun element is that the toy can be used with an app, which means you and your partner can partake in pleasurable moments no matter the distance. Long-distance relationships, I’m looking at you! Even if you’re not partnered, the We-Vibe Chorus is a great toy to discover new ways of implementing satisfaction in your solo play. Experimenting with sex toys is a wonderful way to expand your sexual resources.

You can get both products at Lovehoney, which is the world’s biggest online sex toy shop, here and here (you can also use the code VOCAL20 to get 20% off everything on the website. You’re welcome!) *Offer valid through 3/15/22

Be Mindful and Intentional in the Bedroom

You might be overthinking or under thinking it. It’s easy to get in our heads about what’s happening during sex. Especially with new partners, overthinking can be a byproduct of not being comfortable with someone yet. Under thinking happens when our mind begins to wander from sex to things like chores we need to take care of or something to add to the grocery list. There might also be outside distractions that pull you away from the moment. Traffic noises, loud neighbors or roommates, and especially phone notifications can all pull us away from our pleasure.

For this reason, you should make it a priority to block out any and all distractions and focus. The most effective way to have amazing sex is to simply stay in the moment, concentrating on the sensations you’re experiencing, rather than letting your mind wander while your body goes on autopilot. This degree of mindfulness can not only improve your mental and physical health—when brought between the sheets, it can also help increase desire and arousal and get you closer to satisfaction.

The benefits of sex go beyond a good orgasm: lower blood pressure, better immune system, better heart health, improved self-esteem, decreased depression and anxiety, increased libido, natural pain relief, better sleep, increased intimacy and closeness to a sexual partner (including self), and overall stress reduction (both physiologically and emotionally). Did somebody say nature’s literal miracle?

Practice Sexual Confidence

If you are someone who is dealing with body image issues, those thoughts may be triggered during sex. Feeling unattractive or self-conscious can make it hard to relax and receive pleasure (and ultimately orgasm). Sexual confidence is not about being "good" in bed. It's not about having a “perfect” body and it is not about focusing solely on your partner’s pleasure. In essence, sexual confidence is feeling comfortable in your body, knowing you deserve pleasure, and being able to articulate what you enjoy — as well as listening to the needs of your sexual partner. Knowing all bodies are "good bodies" and deserving of pleasure is a big part of increasing your confidence!