The 12 Stages of Dying Bedrooms

Let's talk about "classifying" the stages of dying bedrooms.

Like cancer but for your love life--the eating away of sex from your soul is gradual. Once a dead bedroom appears, it's usually metastasized into something far more insidious than you thought.

Stage One-

HL/LL (high libido and low libido) combo. Early sexual engagement, then none after marriage and kids. This is the classic dead bedroom. The "original." Every marriage seems to fall neatly into stage one.

"Do you still have sex at home?"

"She lost interest after kids."

"He's too busy and works all the time."

Stage Two-

HL/LL combo, early sexual life was fine then due to life circumstances, medical issues, or an affair, a dead bedroom ensued. I'm included, somewhat--erectile dysfunction led me to look for options.

Stage Three-

HL/LL combo, married/partnered for a long time, then through familiarity that breeds contempt and a gradual loss of attraction, a dead bedroom ensues. Hello, most of us. Too much bitterness and resentment don't precisely provoke passion.

"I'm just so angry at him all the time."

"I can't see her in a sexual way after all the arguing and pettiness."

Stage Four-

HL/LL combo, a young couple engaged, one of the partners' interests in sex has died down due to the impending wedding. The other partner is upset and wondering whether to continue with the marriage. Just call it quits, pul-eeze. I am old, and I know what I am talking about. I wish I followed my gut.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

Stage Five-

HL/LL combo with clusterfuck tendencies. One partner is narcissistic, the other co-dependent. Trying to please the spouse with "chore play" (doing chores to please partner), and the other partner withdraws affection. I am done with this merry-go-round.

"I'm not doing _____,unless you do ______."

Stage Six-

HL/LL combo, one partner is dominant, the other desperately tries to please. The resulting lack of respect for the pleaser partner leads to a dead bedroom. Another option that is not on the table anymore. I please myself now. Period.

"You'll do it my way or no way," get old real fast.

Stage Seven-

HL/LL combo, a couple living together, one has zero interest in sex. So instead of finding a more suitable mate, they stick together, trying in vain to make their bedroom alive.

Hello? Endless masturbation, here I come!

Stage Eight-

HL/LL combo with an age difference, younger one usually has the HL, and the older have either given up sex or are indifferent to the younger one's needs.

This is where age is really more than a number.

Stage Nine-

HL/LL combo relationship is based on mutual security. Dead bedroom due to "roommate" status and an inability to change the situation due to finances. The almighty ka-ching. I'm all about dollars instead of dick.

So many of us are stuck here...

Stage Ten-

HL/LL combo, where the LL partner had unresolved abuse and trauma. This sucks, period.

No good solutions other than plenty of therapy and patience.

Stage Eleven-

HL/HL combo, where one partner has a porn addiction which affects the partner's ability to have a good sex life. Sex, drugs, alcohol are all spokes on the wheels of despair.

Unresolved addictions are libido killers.

Stage Twelve-

HL/LL combo, virgins (one or both). LL has problems with sex due to religious shame. Another societal construct for the win!

Sex for procreation without enjoyment is not making your marital bed a liberating and fun place.

The Prognosis-

The early stages of a dying bedroom might mean you can surgically remove any harm without affecting your surrounding tissue. Your marriage has an excellent chance at recovery.

Regional spread is not conducive for marriage retention. All signs point towards longer and longer times between physical intimacy with less affection.

When your dying bedroom poisons everything, your prognosis is not good. Nothing will save you. Or your marriage.

If someone does not seem interested in sex, there is a reason. Usually, a good reason. And, nothing you do will change it.

Our dead bedroom is a combo of one, two, three, six, nine, and twelve. Heck, maybe it's a little bit of all of them. I was too ashamed to talk about it (until now where I splash it all over the internet), and I pretended that our sex life was normal. The stigma of being rejected held me in place year after year.

If my own husband doesn't want me, who would?

I hoped it would get better.

It did not.

Tell me your stage of a dead bedroom and why in the comments.