comedy
Comedy and humor in the sexuality space.
Slippered! - Chapter 6
Slippered! – Chapter 6 After a disturbed night's rest, Ying pulled up outside the 'Spring Roll' restaurant just as Kwan drew away after making his arrangements with Lin. There was something familiar about the flashy limousine he saw disappearing around the corner that Ying just couldn't place, which irritated him. He was not one to forget a car. Anyway, he had a more pressing problem on his mind at the moment. Cherry Lin's curry. The events of the past night must have had a lot to do with it but, this morning, he had a gut like a stretched inner tube. He let himself in through the side door. Cherry's father stood gabbling rapid Cantonese into a telephone and acknowledged Ying' s semaphored greeting with a raised hand. Although he was not of the 'brotherhood', Ying was guardedly tolerated by the family as a worthy suitor for their youngest daughter. Cherry was very much the modern young woman. The Lins recognised that their ways were not hers, so gave her her head. All the same, Ying was always conscious of a sense of 'not belonging' in the closed community that made up the Chinese enclave in the south-west. Still, Cherry made up for that. Except for her bleedin' curries. He pressed a hand to his midriff as yet another eructation made its presence audible.
Malcolm TwiggPublished about a year ago in FilthySlippered! - Chapter 5
Slippered! – Chapter 5 To all intents and purposes he had. During breakfast, which the group took at a communal table, Hal had sketched in for Freddy the commune's ideals. He had leaned forward earnestly across his plate. “What we stand for here, Freddy, is Universal Love. We strive for unity with the Cosmos. We love everyone and everything, Freddy. Petal, here, she loves me; she loves Zip, over there; Zip, he loves Sheila; Sheila loves me. Me, Freddy? Me? I love …you. He placed a hand over Freddy's arm and shook it gently.
Malcolm TwiggPublished about a year ago in FilthySlippered! - Chapter 4
Slippered! - Chapter 4 While Carmen slept the sleep of the almost sated, and Harris had finally collapsed - Ovaltineless - onto his bed, Freddy Lappit propped open his eyes looking vainly for somewhere to stay the night. He had turned off the motorway some time ago, in a bid to shake off his pursuers. The events of the past twenty-four hours were beginning to catch up with him, and an overwhelming lassitude was about to descend. In the darkness he had taken a wrong turn, somewhere, and was hopelessly lost. At least, that had one redeeming feature: the Kwans were now not likely to find him. What bothered him was how they had got on to him at all. As far as he could remember, he had never mentioned cousin Archie to either Sally or Lisa. It was an irritating mystery.
Malcolm TwiggPublished about a year ago in FilthySlippered! - Chapter 3
Slippered! - Chapter 3 At the same time as Freddy had picked up his second puncture that day, Melsham wiped tomato soup from his moustache with the back of a forefinger and picked up his wine glass. He waved it carelessly at Slipper, sloshing a few drops across the table cloth. “Slipper, move your things out of the Gate House, will you?” he demanded loudly “I'm putting your quarters in the North Wing now.” His voice rang around the cavernous dining room, causing Slipper to wince, as much at the Earl's familiarity with servants at table as the import of the message.
Malcolm TwiggPublished about a year ago in FilthyBondage-Clad Gingerbread Men
I love this time of year. There is a pristine white blanket of snow out my front window, the smell of fresh-baked cookies wafts through my home, and my children are extra nice because they know a jolly fat man is watching their every move and just waiting for them to fuck up.
Slippered! - Chapter 2
Slippered! - Chapter 2 Carmen, the Hon. Lady Lappit and bane of her father's life, watched the sun sink behind the distant hills of Houndsmoor, and hitched her skirt down over dimpling thighs as she pushed herself up against the hay bales. She picked pieces of straw from her hair and turned a jaundiced eye on the heaving figure beside her, wheezing face down in the straw like an Olympic marathon runner in final extremis. She liked her men young, strong, healthy and often. Her partner of the moment fulfilled the first three criteria, at least. On a rating of 1-10 she ranked his score at four and-a-half, with E for Effort - not a bad score to Carmen's exacting standards.
Malcolm TwiggPublished 2 years ago in FilthySlippered! - Chapter 1
CHAPTER ONE The 21st century had come late to Staddon Hall - but it came with a vengeance, and a new hand on the rudder with plans which Slipper - steward, family retainer, butler and, at times, wet-nurse - took both as a personal slight and a blot on the escutcheon of the family honour. First and foremost in Slipper’s thoughts were the new Earl’s antecedents. “A butcher! A common tradesman!” as he took every opportunity to vehemently describe him to Brandybutt, head gardener and Slipper’s unlikely closest confidante amongst the few remaining staff. In fact, Slipper looked on the new overbearing, coarse - and lewd - Master and his grand plans with nothing short of open hostility. “The end of an era,” he thought glumly, regarding his friend’s slumbering form by the fire in Slipper’s quarters in the Old Gate House. Then, taking a firm grip on his resolve: “But not if Reginald Slipper has anything to do with it!”
Malcolm TwiggPublished 2 years ago in FilthyTrope Tripe
In true Woke tradition, a trigger warning is appropriate for this piece. Trigger Warning The following material contains words that will be extremely offensive to some, involving homophobia, transphobia, fat shaming, racial stereotyping, body dysmorphia, disablement, implied sexual practices, cultural appropriation and paedophilia by association. If any of the above are likely to infringe upon your personal liberties, rights and sensitivities when reading them … grow up for Christ’s sake! To the rest of us it’s just good old fashioned fun. Nobody dies. God Almighty!
Malcolm TwiggPublished 2 years ago in FilthySting in The Tail
There are environmental activists, and there are environmental activists. And then there was Sid Smith. Sid was more of your actual tree hugger. In fact there was one tree deep in the forest that used to be Sid's favourite. That it had a conveniently placed knot hole was quite by the by and no-one's business but Sid's until a nest of wasps took up residence, unbeknown to him. Naturally, they took great exception at this brazen intrusion on their chaste privacy. When, after a few days, the swelling (and the barely controlled hilarity of the A & E Team) had subsided, Sid was a changed man in more ways than one. For instance, the mere sound of buzzing was liable to bring on an incipient attack of the hives and an instinctive shrinkage of the extremities in the nether regions that temporarily lent him the physical attributes of true gender fluidity. Which, for Sid, was an interesting condition given his predilection for the more extreme forms of sexual gratification. Not only that, the whole experience set him on the path to improve the lot of fellow introverted experimenters like himself.
Malcolm TwiggPublished 2 years ago in FilthyThe Nudity Clause
They wanted me to do a nude scene. The play was Steaming — about a group of women protesting the imminent closure of their local Turkish bath — and naturally, there were a lot of scenes where the actors — well, actresses, in this case — were dressed, undressing, walking around in bath towels, completely nude, and everything in between.
Britni PepperPublished 2 years ago in FilthySkip the Games Shakespeare
Romeo, Romeo, where is my Romeo? Are you in my inbox? Or my recent call list? Maybe in my DM. Hey, maybe I have it all wrong; can I find you under my bed? Behind my shower curtain? Tucked down behind my car? I must find you; For who is Juliet without her beloved Romeo? Scccrrraattchhh!!!! Kill the music, everybody duck down, and please for the love of God somebody call 911! We have to let them know that if you feed these guys after midnight or add water, they multiply! All of a sudden it’s: 🎶one little, two little, three little perverts, four little, five little, six Little perverts, seven little, eight little, 9 little perverts, 10 little pervert men!! 🎶 Ok. So today, like most days was nothing shy of a circus; an all around shit show. The start of my day was like most, shower, hair, makeup.. Get dressed up to get undressed…Deal with jealous, paranoid man in prison, while stressing about everything. What is it about this line of work that attracts very confident men then turns them into paranoid schizophrenic mental patients? I mean, Jimity fucking crickets, as if dealing with multiple personalities from various clients day to day isn’t bad enough, I’m privileged with multiple personalities from one seriously obsessed husband; there seems to never be a quiet, peaceful moment. After the morning “Man-tantrums”, In comes a vicious cycle of “Attention Deprived Insecurity Induced Drama”. I should just go ahead and have this shit medically and mentally classified as ADIID. I should probably call in Dr. Phil and have everyone begin calling me “Nikki Whoa” because testing my gangster this early in my day makes me want to say “‘Yo, catch me outside”! As I have stated before, Im a unicorn in a sea of horses. A constant fight for survival with only two directions to run; Work smarter not harder or be dumber and slumber. Methodical and strategical; tactical and practical. To succeed In a disaster induced atmosphere, one must be prepared to stay ten steps ahead of everyone in her path. This is an acquired skill, one that doesn’t come as standard issue on the various “treats” that are littered across the adult classifieds. Drive and determination in addition to goals and a desire to use this industry as a steppingstone for something better, fuels a money-hungry go-getter with the power to overcome any and all obstacles that may stand in her way to success. The secret, is learning to become a very talented actress with a slick tongue and quick wit. Just like a fighter, you find your opponents weakness and pounce on it. You must become a predator and stalk your prey. It’s a dog eat dog world, and I want to eat steak, not kibbles. This business can be extremely lucrative, but you must be willing to step inside the minds of the darkest, creepiest, sex craved maniacs. Beware, treacherous curves lie ahead…. You know, most of these patrons, make this job feel like stealing candy from little babies. It’s wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but having it come so easy is part of the addiction. Ninety percent of these men have something weird about them that makes me feel like I came down with a deadly dose of Anal Glaucoma, (because I sure as hell can’t see my ass dealing with them today). But as the old saying goes, money talks, bullshit walks… So I put on my dummy armor and head for my future migraine. The phone starts to chirp and I embark on my adventure for the day. Will it be candy canes and gum drops or shit roasted wiener dogs? To no surprise, the first caller doesn’t disappoint. He is hopped up on Viagra and old school player confidence. “Rico suave” ends up being “Nico don’t come my way!” and pulls up in a 1995 Buick LeSabre equipped with a spiderwebbed front windshield and broken passenger door handle. As he smiles and shows his nicotine and coffee stained chompers, you get slapped in the face with his overindulgence of Aqua Velva and Stetson. He licks his thumbs and smooths his eyebrows, and steps out of his redneck Cadillac trailing yesterdays fast food wrappers across your driveway. The first thought that crosses your mind? “Hola señor no Habla Inglis” and run back inside to the comfort and safety of your humble abode. Ahhh, wishful thinking. Rent is due, car needs gas, husband needs bond money and the kids need EVERYTHING! It’s kind of like diving into a cold deep swimming pool; hold your nose and pray. Then once Chester-the-Molester’s inside, you feel scraped and burned, disgusting and returned. Ten minutes later, he is cursing at the LeSabre as he has to work to restart it. Then finally, to no avail, he backs out and into the street and relief washes over. Holy shit, I’m sure glad he’s gone! Now back inside to remove his awful stench from you and your surroundings. The day continues with text and phone calls that never cease to amuse me. Just when I think I’ve heard it all some idiot hits my line with something so entertaining, I must screenshot the interaction and share it with whoever will listen. I actually think some of the guys believe that if they try hard enough , they may win an escorts heart over, forever dipping and slipping in her income. I do want to make it clear, not all clients are bad clients. Occasionally one comes along that makes life a little easier; a normal guy. Maybe he’s married, or single, or just likes living alone, but unlike their counterparts, these guys, are much more rare than a unicorn in a sea of horses, they are more like finding an albino alligator in Alaska. If you happen to luck upon this very unusual oddity , then treat him like the valuable ornate being that he is and keep him coming back. These are the special ones I attempt to mold into what I like to call “Sugar Daddy Prospects”. Although these guys tend to be much more clingy and needy than the aforementioned, they provide a safety and comfort unlike anyone else. It’s amazing to have someone to call when things don’t go as planned. It’s like having a “on call boyfriend”. No drama, no headaches, or laundry scattered on the floor. He’s there for your convenience as you are for his. I always prioritize these relationships over my other clients because having someone to call if things get rough is extremely invaluable. They aren’t always generous enough to make them the solo-dolo, but it’s an amazing feeling to not have to sweat small shit and knowing you have a backup plan makes this whirlwind life a little more stable. This industry is extremely profitable and the fast, easy money can be an addiction worse than drugs. For me, it was a curse placed on me at a young age. I saw the glamor and glitz, then got completely lost in a pile of crumpled bills larger then I had ever seen. Very quickly I developed what I like to call “Princess Brat Syndrome” or “PBS”. It’s symptoms include, but are not limited to, snobbish-laughter, uncontrollable whining, spontaneous tantrums, extreme laziness , and a horrible case of “resting bitch face”. The ability to acquire and work a normal job is now out the window. Even when attempted, I am faced with the awful realization that the paycheck i worked so hard for all week could’ve been made in an hour being spoiled and pampered by one of the many suitors lined up to be center of my attention at that time. Fast forward, 20 years, and here I sit, alone in an expensive hotel room, waiting for my miracle. An intelligent mind vanishing into thin air, unable to see the catastrophe that lies ahead. At 41, I’m starting over. I’m in college, I am promoting myself and my brand all over social media and then chasing a dream I’ve had since adolescence. My days are hectic and extremely tight, but my desire to regain confidence in myself continues to be a driving force. I am determined to succeed in becoming a normal, law abiding citizen. Unfortunately though, in my world, you have to shovel a little shit to be able to ride the horse. So, it’s onto the next, I hope for the best, and pray some idiot doesn’t put my patience to the test.
Nicole PostonPublished 2 years ago in Filthy3 The Hard Way
Well, here it is another Friday night after work, and nothing to do. I am tired of sitting in the house and so is my lady. I mope around on Facebook and eventually check my emails... There are a few unread messages and some spam. I see one email from a female friend that says hey I'm having a pool party and would love for you two to come. There is gonna be food, drinks, and adult fun. So I was like cool that sounds like fun. I looked at the date and it was tonight! like right now! it started literally an hour ago so hell yea we are going! So we get ready and make a quick stop at the store to pick up some drinks and some ice. One thing I learned when going to a party is you never go empty-handed; extras are always welcome. So we pull up to the house and cars are everywhere! You can hear the music playing from the backyard and it looked like more people were pulling up at the same time as us. I got a text that said hey if you not busy I'm at this party and you should come. I look at the address and say hey we're outside right now. The text reply said cool see you in a min. So we walk in and were greeted by the hostess with hugs. As she introduced us around the room as we walked into the kitchen to put the drinks and ice on the table. I get another text that says where are you. I said we just stopped in the kitchen. We headed to the pool I think. So we walk out to the pool and people are dancing around the pool, on the patio, and in the pool. Again the hostess introduces us to the group and everyone says hi. Then I get another text. How you just gonna walk by me and not say anything! As I looked up from the text there she was. I said oh shit how did I miss you?? she said I really don't know maybe you don't remember what I look like. I said no that's not the case. As a matter of fact, this here is my lady, and I have told her all about you. Oh really... and did he tell you I wanted to meet you and see what kind of friendship we can spark my lady said yes I'm looking forward to whatever your sexy spicy Latina ass can through my way. She says I can throw this ass in a way that will blow both of your minds. I say well we should all get a few drinks in us and see what happens from there. So I go in and get us 3 simple mixed drinks and come back out to the table they have for us. We start talking and at first, it was just a general conversation to start and progressed into relationships and what's expected. We're on round three and I say I'm going to get the next round what would you like? and at the same time, they say we coming in and making our own drink cause these last two were weak as fuck! Now in all this time people have gotten out of the pool and are all on the patio dancing, drinking, and talking. We inside and I grab something to snack on real quick as I watched them pour their drink heavy on alcohol with a splash of juice. I say well damn ya alcoholics had I known you wanted to eliminate the option of walking I would've been making drinks as strong as the Rock! They laugh and while we are inside the music gradually went to a medium to slow pace. I hear one splash then two three and four splashes and I say well sounds like the pool portion is back on let's go outside. So we walk outside and as I take a sip I glance into the pool and see naked couples having sex. I stopped and said oh shit that's done... and as I was about to say something else I look towards the patio and see a guy's face buried in a pussy as she sits on the table and beneath him was a female giving him some head. I am stuck and mesmerized trying to comprehend what was happening I hear a splash and I turned around and my lady has already stripped down naked and jumped in the pool. The other standing there ass naked and said are you getting in as she step off the edge into the pool. Again I'm stuck and just looking. At this time the hostess walks up behind me and whispered in my ear this is the adult games portion of the party she squeezed my ass and said get in Big boy. I shake off the sheer astonishment of what's going on and start to get undressed. As I look in the pool I see my lady has got behind her rubbing her titties from the back and she rests her head back on my lady's shoulders getting kisses. My lady stops for a second and says hurry up and get in here and help me. So by now, I'm rushing to get naked and get in. No one mentioned the water's cold before I stepped into the pool. As I regret getting into cold water butt naked I make my way over to them and get right in front of them. We made a sandwich outta her and we all rubbed on each other. She decides she is gonna rub my lady pussy and my dick at the same time while my lady rubs on her, one hand on her titties the other on her pussy and I grab on her ass. She starts to moan and my dick is getting harder. She picks her legs up in the water and slides my dick right in. She let out a moan and lean back to kiss my lady while she starts to rock back and forth on my dick. She says to my lady I want to taste you while I ride his dick. My lady says ok follow me. We go to the stairs in the pool and I say do you want to eat it from the back or the front. She says ima eat it from the front you eat it from the back and fuck me at the same time. My lady was like yea I like the sound of that and by the way love if you wanna try something different while your back there then go ahead. So she sits on the steps and my lady climbs on top of her face and lowers down slowly and she immediately goes to work. Her legs wide open I slide right in and start to eat my lady pussy from the back. I'm stroking but I'm not able to eat the pussy right so I decided it's time to try ass eating! I slide my tongue across the asshole and my lady jumps a little. Now she eating my lady pussy I'm fucking her and eating my lady asshole. My lady rocked back and forth and she hear my lady moan. people watching us and a guy walks over and asks if he can get some head from my lady and our mouths are busy so my lady said they can't answer so I will answer and she pulls him close and started sucking his dick slow at first then built up to a ferocious double hand twist super wet tip to shift sucking that she has perfected over the years on me. All we hear is moaning, slurping, splashing, and music. Then we hear a female say girl let me help you with that and she sits down and goes between his legs and starts sucking his balls. You hear him moaning out My God!! that was literally like a queue for all our bodies to synchronize. I began to stroke deeper and lick deeper. Her face is fully engulfed in my lady's pussy and she moans as she licks and I stroke. My lady starts to deep throat and gag then his girl starts to moan. From the angle, I was at I saw another chick between his chick's legs eating her pussy and a guy fucking her doggy style. This has gone from a 3way to a chain of pure fucking and now no one is in the pool. We are all making a chain around the pool starting from inside the pool. The guy getting his balls and dick sucked says oh shit I'm cummin and right as my lady pulls the dick outta her mouth his girl stopped sucking his balls and he blasted them both in the face with cum and his girl continues to sick the rest of the Nutt outta him. His girl was so excited she squirted in the face of the chick eating her pussy which made her cum on the dick she was riding doggy and at that same time I came hard and her muscles clamped down on my dick and she moaned which was the right vibration to make my lady cum all on her face and clamp her butthole on my tongue and I came again from both of them cumming. Now everyone is weak and the music has stopped and the rest who were just watching started clapping in celebration. We all start to break the chain up and go to get into the pool to cool off and regroup. Now both of the ladies are super primed and ready for more. So we make our way out of the pool and inside to get another drink and dry off. She says I will be right back. I turn to my lady and say, good thing I took that gas station pill cause we both know that I would've only lasted long enough for a TikTok video. She comes back and says I found a room let's go finish this. So we follow her into the room which was lit up red and you lay on the bed. My lady goes in and says let me return the favor from outside. Now my lady is eating her pussy twisting her nipples and switching to long licking her pussy. My lady ass is in the air just waving back and forth and I just watch them for a little bit until I get hard again. I get on the bed and get right behind my lady. I start licking her pussy just to make sure it's wet so I can slide in. As I slide in she let's out a soft moan and my lady goes deeper into her. I start the stroke off slow and it's rhythmic as she licks I go in and out of her pussy. I watch her ass as it bounces and waves with each soft hit. I look into her face and see her eyes half open rolling back and also covered in ecstasy. So I start to speed up and her titties and her ass start to shake with each thrust. Clap clap clap clap clap faster and faster. My lady says don't cum either of you! She was moaning so loud my lady knew she was about to come and the same for me cause she knew the stroke she knew it wasn't long for me either. So she said both of you slow down. So I started to slow down my stroke and she saw you were calming down a little. Then my lady said I want to try something I had seen in porn. So my lady went back to eating her pussy and stuck a finger in there just long enough to have her juices on it. Then took her other hand and did the same thing. But my lady left one finger in the pussy while she was licking and sucking it and slipped the other one in her asshole now she is losing her mind and I see it on her face. My lady says to stick your thumb in my ass while you fuck me and I do exactly that. We have a nice rotation going and the bed is telling the tale. Now it's getting to the point where the thrusting is deep and cummin is imminent! I start to go from a moan to vocally say I'm about to cum. Shit, I can't hold it and she says bring that dick to me. So I pull out and hold my dick tight til I get to her face and she opens her mouth and sucks my dick in and I let go... I came hard in her mouth and she kept sucking, didn't miss a beat. I let out a loud moan saying Ooooh Shiiit!! She swallowed all the Nutt and my lady comes up and start kissing her saying I want to taste all of us. She stopped kissing her long enough to put the dick in both of their faces and they both started sucking and licking on it again. I had to pull away because I couldn't take anymore. I collapse on the bed and then I see my lady raise the other one's leg and say one last thing I wanna try. My lady put her wet pussy on hers and start to ride her like a dick was In her. I'm not gonna lie this looked so hot and it got me hard again just watching. Rubbing pussies and you could hear the squish of pussy back and forth. This was new to the both of them cause I heard oh shit I'm cummin, shit me too, and I'm jacking my dick about to shoot dust out that motherfucker from so much use today. Then it happened the squishing got louder and so did the moans and then SHHHHIIIITTT!! squirting was like a wide-open sprinkler!! I got wet up the bed got wet up hell later found out the wall got wet up too. We all passed out In bed and woke up the next morning to the hostess of the party cooking breakfast saying it sounded like you three had an amazing time last night. Good thing I got cameras all over the house so I can watch it later wink.
Raymond CarterPublished 2 years ago in Filthy