So You Wanna Be A P.I.?

So you want to know what it’s like in this business. Look at you, you’re still a kid. A strong boy like yourself ought to be thinking about girls, sports, anything else besides P.I. work.

Yea, I have been in this business a long time, too long. I’ve seen some pretty weird shit too, let me tell ya. But you don’t want to hear my stories.

You do?! You sure? Okay suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya. I gotta tell ya kid, my stories aren’t for the faint of heart. So what do ya want to know?

You want ME to pick?! Okay kid, you asked for it. I got a doozie for ya. If ya still want to be a P.I. after this story, I’ll give ya my business.

Like any good story, this one starts with a woman. Don’t look at me like that kid. You wanted to hear this story so listen.

Mary was her name. Mary Monroe. She was a classy dame, I tell ya. What a looker too. When she walked down the street there was always an accident because they were looking at Mary, not the road.

Me, I’ve always said never mix business with pleasure but with Mary it was hard not to. I’m kind of a night owl so I only took cases where I had to work at night. Trust me kid, the night time crowd is ten times more dangerous than the day time crowd.

Mary walks into my office a little after eight p.m. I was having my breakfast, a Bloody Mary. Ha ha, now that I think about it, that’s kind of funny. Anyway, Mary walks in wearing this long dark red dress that sparkled as she walked. There was a split on each side that went up her thighs, teasing you with what was underneath.

Her hair was long dark red, which highlighted her milky smooth white skin. She had soft pink freckles that spread across her huge firm rack. One look at her made me hot and horny.

I’m telling ya kid, you keep looking at me like that and I’ll have to throw you out on your ass. I may be old but I can still whip a man. Now where was I? Oh yea, Mary walked into my office.

She sat down on the couch that doubled as my bed. She tells me some bum is following her and she wants to find out who. Basically, she’s going to pay me to follow her around. Hell, I would have done that for free but I still got bills to pay.

I told her my fee and she agreed. She gave me her address and told me where she worked. She was a singer at the Rockwell’s Club.

They don’t have those kind of clubs today kid, too bad too, they were nice. Like I said, Mary was a classy dame and she worked in a classy dinner club. The bad thing was I had to wear a better suit than I owned.

I hated wearing those penguin suites but it was a job. I followed Mary for a week. I couldn’t see anyone following her but me. She insisted someone was after her so I continued to follow her.

After three weeks I figured two things out. One, Mary never left her house during the day. She was a party animal at night though. The second thing I figured out was that I needed to get laid. Mary was getting me hot every night and beating my own meat outside her house wasn’t cuttin’ it anymore.

Mary must’ve read my mind because that night when I followed her home she invited me in. She wanted to pay for the next week’s fee by other means. I couldn’t say no. Besides I didn’t want to.

We go up to Mary’s bedroom. It’s pitch black in there except for a lamp by her bed. With the light off we went at it like drunk monkeys. She was the best fuck of my life. She had me doing things I had never even heard of. Mary knew what she was doing.

I had her moaning and groaning all day long. Screaming my name louder and louder. It didn’t stop until I finally passed out. I never thought that was possible, fucking till you passed out.

Where are my cigarettes? I need one. Oh, thanks kid, guess you need one too huh? It’s okay, you’re a man, it’s our nature. Better keep ‘em out, we’re gonna need ‘em.

Anyway, I wake up when the cops kick the door open. They turned on the lights, blinding me. They were screaming for me to put my hands up.

I glanced over to where Mary should be and froze. Mary was dead. I, as well as the bed, was covered in Mary’s blood. She was dead and the cops thought I did it.

They dragged me downtown, calling me a sick bastard the entire way. They got me in the interrogation room and roughed me up. See, you could rough up a suspect back then kid. Not like today. These pussies are protected by the law.

But I gave as good as I got. For three days we did our dance. I told the pigs I didn’t do it and they said I did. They even said they had witnesses saying I was stalking Mary.

I tried telling ‘em Mary paid me to follow her cause someone else was. They weren’t buying my story though. They said I was gonna fry.

The only thing that saved my ass was Mary’s body went missing. It had arrived at the morgue but disappeared that first night. Of course, the pigs weren’t going to tell me that while they were beating me. Anyway, no body, no murder, so they had to let me go.

The pigs had impounded my car so I had to take a bus back to my office. Wouldn’t you know it, they tore up my office looking for clues. I needed some answers.

I went back to the Rockwell’s Club. They, of course, threw me out but not before giving me another beating. I knew I was an asshole but I didn’t deserve this much grief, after all, I didn’t do anything.

A year went by and still I had no leads. The only thing I could find on my own was the bottom of a bottle.

No one wanted to hire me. Word on the street was I killed my client. The cops kept hounding me. Not like they could find their own ass in the dark.

I had no more money so I did the only thing I could do, I skipped town. I had heard Vega was the place to be. Good food, free booze, and loose women. I was in heaven.

No one knew who I was so I was able to start fresh. It didn’t take long before I started getting cases. Fraud. Dead beats who skipped out on a debt. Wives wanting to catch their cheating husbands. Husbands who wanted to find the bastards boinking their wives.

As long as I got paid I did it all. I was making a shit load of money. Like I said, the night crowd is much worse.

One night I walked into a casino to meet a client. He was going to pay double my fee if I could find a dame for him. I can’t say no to that kind of money.

When he showed me the dame’s picture my heart sank. I told him she was dead. It was Mary.

He told me that I had to be mistaken. She disappeared the night before. I was sure it was Mary. Against my better judgment, I took the case. I was determined to find that bitch and kill her for messing with my life.

It took me two weeks but I finally tracked her down. It was hard to do because, like before, she only came out at night to party. In Vegas, there are a lot of parties.

Relax kid, you look too tense. Here have a drink. Real Tennessee Whiskey. It’ll put some hair on your chest. Aaaah, that’s good stuff.

Anyway, she’s staying at this hole in the wall dump that use to be a motel. It reeked of piss and mold. I was afraid of stepping in something that I wouldn’t be able to wash off.

I had saw her go into room two oh five. As I climbed the stairs I drew a forty-five I bought off some punk on the street, that way it can’t be traced back to me. I kicked open the door, pointing my gun inside toward the bed. I heard a scream inside that nearly broke my eardrums. I started firing at Mary. She stopped screaming as I filled her full of holes.

I took pictures of her dead body to show my client. When I went to meet him I showed him the pictures. Then the unthinkable happened.

Let me ask you something kid, do you believe in the supernatural? You know, ghosts, demons, vampires, shit like that. No! Well if you want to be a P.I. you better start believing.

Mary walked up to our booth and slid in next to me carrying a Bloody Mary. Before I could react she pushed my head down and bit my neck.

I woke up the next day in a dumpster. I had to have two blood transfusions to help keep me alive.

Mary is still out there. Over the years she has tried to finish the job of killing me but I’ve outsmarted her so far.

Damn it! There goes the lights again. Hang on kid, I’ve got a flashlight here. Bright huh? Will blind a vampire, I tell ya that much.

OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS!! IT’S MARY!!

* * * *

That was funny Mary. He ran out of here so fast. That was the best. Hey it’s not my fault these young punks can’t take a joke. I’m just havin’ some fun.

If you don’t think it’s funny why do you pop out like that at the end? That’s what I thought. Come one baby, all this talk has made me horny. Let’s go fuck like drunk monkeys.