Sex Could Be Your Ticket to Going Out With a Bang

What is it about sex and death? Are they oddly related, somehow? Indeed, they’re strange bedfellows that throughout history, have forged an uneasy, and often humiliating bond for those horny individuals who were unaware of their own limitations. Who never imagined that doing the deed, would do them in.

My take is that both sex and death are swaddled in mystery, and so many of us love a good mystery, no?

Here’s something that always struck me: A French social theorist, Michel Foucault, referred to orgasm as La Petite Mort, or, “little death.” Could he have been on to something?

Think about your last orgasm. (The faked ones don’t count.) Did it feel as if you were dying? Like, in a really, really, really good way? Or is that a connection you’d prefer to dismiss?

Encyclopedia.com says that Foucault and Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, theorized that death and sex are fused, in that the death instinct pervades sexual activity.

Let that marinate a bit. The death instinct pervades sexual activity.

It certainly does for black widow spiders, which eat and kill their unsuspecting boy-toys after mating.

Too, we’ve all been privy to stories about people whose undeniable urge to satisfy their lustful natures sometimes results in an unexpected “fade to black.”

And of course, sex and death make for good entertainment. We’ve all seen movies where some unfortunate dude has a coronary while vigorously pumping away and it’s lights out.

In fact, if memory serves, the old Shirley McClaine vehicle, What A Way To Go, is about that very thing. Every guy she hooks up with drops dead until she finally finds the one who, you know, is “man enough” to take her on for the long haul.

And because life does imitate art, real people, too, drop-dead after sweating through the horizontal mambo.

I’d forgotten about this recently stumbled upon factoid, but do any of you remember that former New York Governor and Vice President under Gerald Ford, Nelson Rockefeller, suffered a heart attack while in the arms of his twenty-six-year-old secretary? Talk about fatal attraction.

That’s so cliché, is it not? An older man fucks a woman who’s not his wife, and is significantly younger than him, and he pays the ultimate price.

Although, it must be said that it’s not just men of a certain age who are at risk for post-fucking dying. Many factors can contribute to a “fatal event” during, or after, sexual congress. According to The Conversation, in most cases, the sheer physical strain of the sexual activity, (especially for those who are out-of-shape) or prescription drugs (such as those that treat erectile dysfunction), or illegal drugs, like cocaine may play a part in an unfortunate and untimely demise in the sack. Or, wherever.

That said, the rise of cardiac arrest is significantly greater as we age. One more thing to look forward to. No fucking for us old farts!

Perhaps that’s why some people’s libidos take a hike. Self-defense.

And lest you think it’s just the men who are at risk of checking out after a vigorous roll in the rack, consider this sad tale courtesy of local10.com about a woman who, in 2019, enjoyed five consecutive hours of sex in a Columbia hotel room and then went into cardiac arrest. She didn’t make it. After making it.

Damn. Can we enjoy nothing without there being some sort of unsaid disclaimer that it could kill us? Like the recent CNN report about alcohol intoning the grave news that it, too, can do us in. As if we didn’t know.

And how’s this for a ferocious roll in the hay, or rather, the wild? A 2013 New York Post article recounts the horrific tale of a couple in Zimbabwe who was attacked by a lion while schtupping amid the glories of Mother Nature. The lion was apparently interested in their frenzied movements and decided to join the party without an invitation. That’s when the shit, and the guy’s boner, went south.

I probably shouldn’t joke about it as, the poor woman, one Sharai Mawera, was mauled to death by the lion while her lover ran off into the bush, clad only in a sagging condom.

Oy.

Who cares about regular schlubs, though, right? It’s more fun to read about those in the public eye who've “fucked off,” so to speak.

Take sexy INXS frontman, Michael Hutchence, who died while having sex with himself, for chrissake.

From 105.7 The Hawk, Hutchence’s fans and family members claimed that the actual cause of death was autoerotic asphyxiation or “death by suffocation” while masturbating.

What a waste. Literally.

Swashbuckling actor and legendary ladies' man Errol Flynn shuffled off this mortal coil in the arms of his teenage girlfriend.

Choking oneself while interfering with oneself must be one hell of a thing as BBC presenter, Kristian Digby died like Hutchence, from autoerotic asphyxiation.

And wait, you’re going to love this. According to Owlcation, no less than four popes popped off while getting off.

In 939 AD, Pope Leo died whilst fucking. (I’m not a Brit; I just love the word whilst.)

Pope John XII died whilst fucking, as he was bludgeoned to death by the cuckolded husband of his partner.

Pope John XIII died whilst fucking as he, too, was dispatched by an irate husband.

Pope Paul II died whilst fucking as he died of a heart attack whilst being sodomized by a pageboy.

Oy.

That’s enough for me, and no doubt, you, but I can’t leave without imparting some information that I dearly hope will keep you, my friends here, from meeting such an unlucky, not to mention embarrassing AF, end.

So, from Psychology Today, here’s what we must all do to avoid the Big D, from the Big F:

To Avoid Death by Sex:

Maintain a healthy weight. Death by sex is strongly associated with obesity. Nelson Rockefeller was portly.

Stay physically fit as this will help weight control.

Limit alcohol and other drugs. (Uh…)

Beware of sexual stressors like infidelity and encounters with sex workers. (You’re on your own, here.)

Refrain from solo, autoerotic asphyxiation play. Physicians who specialize in emergency medicine say there is no reliably safe way for single individuals to get off in such a manner. If you’re interested in this, have at least one sober designated rescuer nearby at all times. (Yes, who will take numerous photos of you for their Instagram page.)

Never use Viagra or other erection medications if you take nitrate medication. For example, vasodilators that treat angina. (You’ll just have to figure out another way.)

Finally, after writing this, I can’t help but wonder if there’s anyone out there, some noble humanitarian, preferably with a pussy, who would do the world a favor and fuck Donald Trump into oblivion.

One can hope.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. She is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story, as well as “DEAD TIRED,” a female-driven, ass-kicking thriller.