S and M for Beginners

A University of Colorado sophomore coed nears orgasm in a parked car as her football player date unzips his fly. She is handcuffed and blindfolded, her only sensory input being his rigid cock slicking in and out of her mouth.

A Wall Street broker leaves his offices early for his bi weekly hour session of bondage and humiliation with his dominatrix-mistress before going home to his family in Connecticut.

An engaged couple in Houston sit in a French restaurant shyly courting over dinner. Under his clothes, the man wears his fiancee’s panties, has a cockingring around his penis and balls and a small greased plug inserted in his anus.

An elegantly dressed woman in a SoHo play sternly reprimands her pupil and is in turn forced by her principal to lift her skirt for "six of the best" with a birch rod. She leaves the stage to enthusiastic applause with a half-dozen scarlet welts blazing on her buttocks.

Sadomasochism has become a startlingly popular and widely accepted sexual practice among Americans. Kept under wraps as a part of the sexual underground for years, S and M is now popping up all over the place: in the commercial media, in the cinema, in the shopping mall. Slick films such as American Gigolo hint at it; 9 1/2 Weeks and Punish Me With Kisses lay it right out there for you. It’s appeared in erotic novels such as Fifty Shades of Grey and in the film adaptation starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, and the Red Room of Pain. The limousines line up outside Manhattan's Hellfire Club and the New York Post is there to cover it. Even Time magazine reports that sadomasochism is out of the closet. S and M has come of age. What is it all about?

Dictionary Definitions

Let's start with the word itself, the S and M of it. The term sadism, meaning pleasure derived from inflicting pain, is taken from the French sadisme, after the Marquis de Sade (1740—1814). This 18th century French nobleman declared that only through the medium of sexual violence could people heal themselves of their socially inflicted scars. The term masochism, meaning pleasure derived from experiencing pain, was coined by Krafft-Ebing and refers to the German novelist Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836–1895), who wrote Venus in Furs. In this semi-autobiographical erotic classic, he describes his fantasy of being abused and abandoned by a cruel mistress swathed in furs to signal her cruel mood.

Simply put, erotic sadomasochism is a willing exchange of control between lovers. It is a sexual practice of myriad forms and ascending levels of intensity. Many elements come into play: costumes, spanking, bondage, the stinging kisses of the rod, verbal humiliation, and much more. Pain, which can provide a blossoming rush of pleasure, may be involved.

Fantasy games are a basic raw material of S and M. Role playing allows the lovers to evoke their most provocative sexual thoughts and subterranean memories. Eroticized scenarios may be casual or complex. For example, the mere mention of a catchphrase in bed can program a certain style of sex. More elaborately, there is the well-practiced S and M devotee who dresses in full police gear and "apprehends" his wife on a monthly basis, letting her persuade him not to "arrest" her in exchange for her best fellatio.

Bondage is another theme in S and M, for many reasons. The satisfaction in this specific kind of control–surrender is almost universal. The idea of struggling against restraints is a tremendous stimulant to many people. Giving up control to another person completely is exhilarating to many people. Conversely, being in control of another person who is restrained may be an absolute turn on. Bondage can also work in that pain factor mentioned before, which can be pleasurable.

S and M Jargon

S and M enthusiasts use a highly developed jargon. Since sadist and masochist can be harsh terms for lovers, people in the scene use other words to mean the same thing but without the violent connotations. S means sadist and M means masochist. Top and bottom also enjoy wide use in denoting sadist and masochist, respectively, and are probably the most popular and colloquial terms. To describe someone as a "hot top man" or a "heavy bottom" calls up pleasurable fantasies for those in the field. Dominant and submissive are also useful terms, because of both easy comprehensibility and the implied element of control instead of brutality. The submissive offers control of their orgasm to the dominant lover. The dominant takes control, guiding the submissive beyond their limits toward the ultimate pleasure of surrender.

Dominatrix and master refer to female and male experts in sexual dominance, respectively. They are addressed as Mistress and Master, Madam and Sir. Sometimes more creative forms are used, such as "Baroness von Cleef" or "Lord Preston." Submissives refer to their dominants in writing with capital letters and to themselves in lower case.

A Look Inside S and M Scenes

What transpires in a typical S and M encounter? While they vary based on the situation, dynamics, and limits of the individuals involved, we cite two actual scenes. Both involve New York City couples, each with a long-standing continuity of erotic experience with each other. These scenes represent well-rehearsed patterns of ritual and response. Although S and M doesn't always include genital sex, both of these couples incorporate intercourse into many of their scenes together.

He’s In Control

Abby Henderson and Evan Myers go from their midtown offices one afternoon a week to meet their dominant lovers. Evan sees his mistress every Thursday after work; Abby waits for Logan to call to arrange their lunchtime trysts. Both report heavy masturbatory fantasizing before and after their S and M rendezvous. This is difficult for Evan because, in preparation for his "Baroness," she demands that he abstain from ejaculation.

Abby, in turn, readies herself by carefully shaving below the belt (that’s how Logan demands it). She also eschews her usual pantyhose for stockings and garters and removes her panties before visiting her lover's Chelsea advertising agency. At other times, late at night, he has had her call up from a phone booth on the corner, instructing her to strip naked as she comes up on the elevator, but on this occasion she walks demurely past the receptionist and into his office.

Abby met Logan while doing voiceover work for him, and they have been seeing each other in a master-slave relationship off and on for three years. As Logan has trained her, Abby closes the door, removes her skirt, crosses her wrists behind her back, and waits for permission to kneel at his feet. First, Logan has her walk around the room, watching her long legs, balanced on high stiletto heels. He fixates on the little triangle of naked space at the top of her thighs.

When he asks her to clear the butcher block coffee table, Abby knows she will be spending most of her lunch hour on her back with her wrists roped to its legs. Over the years, Abby and Logan have worked out their favorite rituals, negotiating limits and parameters, so that each gets the most out of their time together. "What I want," says Abby, "is sort of sexual sensory deprivation—all my senses under his control—and then the pain to take me out into that other space with skyrocket O's." Abby says that her orgasms are quite satisfactory with her boyfriend, too, but that the qualitative difference with Logan is so great as to make this the highlight of her sex life. Although this is their most familiar scene, Abby is whimpering and pleading from the minute the clothespins come out of the drawer. Logan silences her by putting his cock in her mouth. He places earphones on her—and a blindfold. Then, one by one, he begins to clamp the wooden pins onto her flesh in two arcs, beginning inside her stretched armpits and moving toward her nipples. Each new clamp brings a jerk and a groan from Abby until her entire torso undulates from intensity of the sensations. He reminds her to breathe, rubbing her stomach and kissing her.

The ultimate gratification for Logan is building up Abby’s intensity under his control. "I've got my beauty writhing against the shackles. I’ve got complete control of her. She has no clue what’s coming next or where she will feel me next. Sometimes, in fact, I leave—that's part of it. But the important thing is that I remember and follow Abby’s limits. These are discussed ahead of time, so while she is surprised at the placement of the next clothes pin, she is not surprised they are on her body.

He pulls out of her mouth and mounts her. Logan enjoys the imminence of Abby's orgasm immediately upon penetration. This is the sign of a good scene for him. She begs permission to come, which is granted; her body tenses, arching to meet his thrusts. Before she slips back from her orgasmic plateau, Logan removes Abby's blindfold and one of the clothespins. Still inside her, he begins to pattern his rhythm on her writhing.

Each withdrawn clothespin releases a new wave of muscle contractions and gasping from Abby, which Logan cuts into with his thrusts. Soon Abby is begging to come for the fourth and fifth times. With all the pins removed except the two clamping the nipples themselves.

A critically important part of Logan and Abby’s scene is the quiet time they spend together after the high intensity of the bondage and orgasm. "Finding myself in Logan’s arms as I'm coming down from that wild euphoria is one of my greatest joys," Abby says. "I need a little tenderness after the rough stuff.”

She’s In Control

Kate Jenning was also drawn into the S and M scene by her lover, Evan Myers, a corporate vice-president. Evan had bought the services of several professional dominatrixes but was much happier when he found a dominant streak in his mistress. After six months of experimenting, they now choose to keep their dominant-submissive activities quite separate from the rest of their relationship. This makes it possible for them to isolate the intense role playing they find so satisfying in their scenes.

Evan and Kate have an elaborate seduction ritual. Since he is excited by the image of an elegant, unapproachable woman, they arrange to meet as strangers in an empty East Side lounge. The sight of her sitting alone, dressed in a business suit and a fox stole, staring at him coolly through cigarette smoke, haunts his masturbatory fantasies. Although Evan feels he has surrendered himself to Kate's mastery—"She owns my manhood," he says—it is he who usually chooses the type of scene they will enact, indicating his preference in this case by wearing his special punishment belt and a leather thong around his throat.

After watching him adjust himself and steal glances at her for several minutes, Kate rises and leaves the bar, with her powerful executive trailing submissively behind. Inside her apartment, she settles herself again into a chair with a cigarette to watch Evan undress and present himself on his knees, with an unbidden erection. This sign of premature arousal will be added to his list of faults. When Kate hears Evan’s confession, the scenario these two lovers have found to be most satisfying.

She ties his hands behind his back with a long thong, drawing the ends through his crotch to the front and binding his cock and balls. Removing her dress, Kate exposes a black satin merry widow and seamed stockings, to which she adds thigh-high black boots. Evan now pours out his troubles from the office and his feelings of inadequacy with his wife as Kate toys with his thong leash, deciding on 15 strokes as his punishment.

She forces his head down to her feet and he licks his way up her leg where her legs meet. When she rises, belt in hand, he assumes the proper position to be beaten, his face buried in her crotch, his buttocks arched out as an offering. She loops the belt in half and loudly begins to smack his bottom, warming the surface with several dozen uncounted strokes. She continually repositions his head, rubbing his forehead, then his nose, then his chin, firmly back and forth until the jerky strokes carry her over the edge into orgasm.

Finally she orders him to the floor, unfurls the belt to its full length, and, when his buttocks are properly arched up, strikes the anticipated strokes, each one producing a pink welt, while Evan counts and thanks her aloud—and climaxes onto the carpet. After orgasm, these two S and M devotees seem much more talkative and relaxed.

“Our relationship has always been an alternative-life-style sort of thing," stated Evan. "We met at a swing club; Both of us were trying that. Well, the same place is an S and M club on Tuesdays and Thursdays and as we talked to these folks, particularly Bill and Amanda, who run it, I began to dream about Kate as a merciless mistress beating the shit out of me. I mean, it just stormed my dreams.”

Kate says she patterns her dominatrix image on the costume and mannerisms of a character in the French film La Mastresse. "See, I don't want to be just another kitten with a whip in vinyl boots. Each thing I add has to be real. The point for me is to really scare him. It's the mental part that makes me hot between the legs—really stringing out the suspense."

Practice Makes Perfect

Although Abby and Logan and Evan and Kate inhabit the wilder shores of discipline pleasure, they were once beginners, who graduated from simple spanking and handcuffs to more severe forms of whipping and bondage.

Exactly how many Americans indulge in S and M? In 2005, a survey conducted by Durex reported that 36 percent of Americans indulged in blindfolds, masks, and other bondage tools, while only 20 percent participated in these behaviors worldwide. However in 2015, after the release of Fifty Shades of Grey, a survey by Marie Claire reported that 85 percent of the people polled had been involved in some form of light BDSM.

Try S and M

If you and your partner want to try out S and M, or if one of you is experienced and wants to see if your partner will be as turned on by it as you are, there are a few accessories that can help get you started. While S and M comes in many forms and intensities, it is often best to start simple and ease yourself into it. These are our top picks for S and M beginners.

LELO's Etherea Silk Cuffs are made of smooth silk, and feature long ribbons that allow for sensual restraint. Adjustable to the tightness of your choice, these cuffs are a great choice for those exploring light kink that want a range of intensity.

Despite its softness on the skin, 33 foot rope is hardware store strength. Finished with a metal ring and tassel, Rimba's Black Bondage Rope won't scrape your skin with melted nylon.

Pouches of pearls adorn one end of the LELO Boa Pleasure Ties, while metal rings adorn the other. The ties allow a partner to be restrained by either the wrists or ankles. The pearl pouches also make these ties perfect for draping over a door and creating new possibilities for bedroom play.