On The Broken Road

Robert and Céline met Americans in Toronto, young men who had said “No” to the idea of going to die in Vietnam; Americans who played music, some of them who would one day become famous musicians in famous bands. They stayed for about a week getting to meet people and to get lost in the crowds. Bob was glad that he knew how to play well enough so as to not be laughed out of various jam sessions, especially when one of the groups he got to play with had already begun to be noticed in the recording industry. But this wasn’t what Robert and Céline needed, this time in Yorkville was just a rest stop. Seeing the drunks in Bloor Street Park, the stoned kids spaced out and sitting almost unaware of their bodies, told Robert that this wasn’t where he belonged. And Céline was beginning to draw darker images again. It was time to leave.

Before leaving, Robert picked up a used backpack that someone had been abandoned in the house they were staying in. They also found an abandoned sleeping bag and packed a small bit of food to go with their few items of clothing, none of it cost them any money. Everything they had was given to them, knowing that the givers would somehow get what they needed in return in the future. It was a good thing as money wasn’t abundant. Robert and Céline hadn’t waited until his payday before leaving. At the time money, seemed the least important thing to worry about. They had reacted out of anger and fear and despair. They fled to escape.

They headed north not knowing where they would end up or even why they were heading in that direction. Robert didn’t want to go to the States when it seemed that all the good people were leaving that place. Robert and Céline hitchhiked, stopping where their rides ended. Usually they found other young people who had found a place to stay at each stop. It seemed as though there were homes or rooms open for those lost on the roads.

Céline got her period the day after leaving Toronto. She was in a panic as she saw how little money they had and it seemed stupid to waste that little bit of money on sanitary napkins. As she panicked Robert thought of letting her use his underwear as napkins as they could be washed and no harm would be done to them. Robert learned to go commando under his clothing and not be self-conscious about it.

They slept in the sleeping bag together. At first Robert slept with his pants on so as to not embarrass or stress out Céline. She clung close to him, closer than anyone had even been to him before, needing him even in her sleep. Before going to sleep she would arrange her clothing in a neat pile so that they wouldn’t be too wrinkled for the next day. With her small breasts, Céline never wore a bra. As she clung to Robert as they lay side by side, they would touch each other and kiss, hungry for more. But since she was menstruating and still afraid of more, that is where it stopped with passions unfilled.

One early morning, Robert woke up with his pants wet with semen forcing him to slip out of the sleeping bag made for one person but able to hold two small people. Slipping out of the sleeping bag, he removed his pants to wipe as much of the moisture off. While still nude, he found the iron and ironing board and was trying to press the wrinkles out of the pants as well as remove the last traces of moisture when Céline came to stand beside him. She told Robert that from now on he shouldn’t wear his pants to bed. As Robert stood there, naked from the waist down, he told her that he had no underwear to put on for sleeping. She smiled and said that it didn’t matter as he was beautiful without clothes on, and it was okay for him to sleep beside her in the nude. She called Robert beautiful as he stood there, exposed. And, he could see that she meant it.

Robert and Céline continued the journey which took them to Port William. Their last ride for the day was with a man heading home from work, a man not too much older than they were. As he neared the turnoff to his house, he asked Robert and Céline if they would go to his house for a warm meal before continuing their journey. Robert and Céline were getting used to the fact that people were nice and kind, so they said yes without hesitation.

When they arrived at the driver's home, his young wife treated the two hitch-hikers as friends, as if this was an everyday occurrence, having her husband bring home strangers for supper. She refused to let Robert and Céline leave after supper saying that they should stay the night and use her washing machine to freshen up their clothing. They gave Robert and Céline a bed in the spare room and some clothes to use while their clothes were getting washed. Because they were getting to sleep in a bed, Robert and Céline put the sleeping bag out to air, turned inside out. Robert took a bit of extra time to try to clean up the faint stickiness that was inside the sleeping bag.

While Robert played some guitar that evening, as an attempt to say thank you, the man’s wife took Céline aside and gave her a few sanitary napkins to last for the rest of her cycle. Robert and Céline decided to accept the couple’s invitation and stayed with them for two nights so that their clothes could dried and be ironed. Then, with their bags packed with a few more clothes than when they had left Toronto, Robert and Céline headed off, west.

Getting rides wasn’t difficult in the summer of 1969. There was something about a young couple, with a backpack, a small suitcase, and a guitar that gives people a sense of “it’s safe to stop and give these kids a ride,” especially when they were relatively well dressed and didn’t look like hippies or druggies. From Port Arthur going west, they didn’t stay at the homes of others or with other young travelers – they stopped and slept in small fields under the stars. It was summer, and it was warm. At least until the night they stopped in Golden, B.C.

They had stopped at an Esso gas station near the entrance to the mountain city and decided to camp out on the side of the hill behind the gas station’s restaurant after they had eaten a small meal. The stars made an indescribable light show as they cuddled into the sleeping bag. It didn’t take too long before they finally fell asleep in the darkness.

The cold mountain air woke Céline in the middle of the night, and she began to panic in the intense darkness. She was sure she had heard wolves and thought they were going to kill her and Robert. He tried to reason with her as he held her tight giving her as much of his warmth as he could. But the panic, just got worse. She broke out of his arms and started to run down the hill naked and barefoot. Robert caught her and told her she needed to get her clothes on, promising that as soon as they could pack up, he would take to the gas station where whey would find another ride and get away from the wolves, away from her night fears.

Céline calmed down enough so that Robert could lead her back up the slope to the small tent. They both put on their clothing and then walked carefully as they could in the darkness back down the side of the mountain to the lights of the gas station. Back at the gas station they stopped long enough for coffee and to wait. Robert asked around for a ride from one of the truckers heading west. They were lucky as one driver told them he had room for the two of them and that he was going all the way to Vancouver.

Vancouver was now their destination. Robert remembered that his Uncle and Aunt were now living in Vancouver and that if needed, Céline and he could get a bit of help from them. Robert knew that the running had to stop. He needed to get a job and they needed a place to stay warm with fall and winter not all that far away.

The trucker stopped for a meal in Hope. B.C. While they were having more coffee and a small meal, a young man in his late twenties or early thirties noticed Céline. He came over to the table and began to talk with her. He had noticed Céline’s art folder and he wondered if he could see her paintings and drawings. He told Céline that he was an art collector. He hoped that he could perhaps buy one or two if they would fit into his collection.

Céline got excited; this was her dream, to be a successful artist. After viewing her work, the man pointed to two of them and offered Céline money, more money than either Robert or Céline had left, enough money for them to get started in Vancouver. Céline sold him the two drawings and began talking animatedly about her desire to work with acrylics and oils.

As the conversation continued, the truck driver told Céline and Robert that he was leaving to go on to Vancouver if we wanted to continue going there with him. Hearing that, the man who just bought the drawings told them that they could travel on to Vancouver with him if they wanted, and that they could even stay in his house until getting their own place.

Robert hesitated as he was getting uncomfortable with all the attention this stranger was giving to them, especially since it was focused on Céline. It sounded too good to be true. Robert had learned long before to be wary of things that appeared too good to be true. There was something about the man that Robert didn’t trust.

However, when the stranger added that they could pay him for staying at his house by painting murals on the walls of the attic room in the house. He said he would let them stay in that attic, rent free. He would even provide the paints that Céline needed, both acrylics and oil paints. Céline said yes, that they would go with him. She hadn’t asked Robert; she just assumed that he would follow. The truck driver gave a small nod of his head as he heard Céline’s decision. Céline was excited about the chance to do something with her talents, to paint. She began to dream of living an artist’s life in Vancouver.

Later that morning Céline and Robert arrived at the young man’s house, a decent older looking house that had moss growing on the cedar shakes of the roof. The house wasn’t large, but it wasn’t too small either. It didn’t look like the house of someone to be wary of at all. Robert began to think maybe they would be okay here until he could get a real job and take care of Céline in their own home. The man pointed to the gable window looking out onto the street telling the two of them that is where they could stay if they decided to take him up on his offer. He was adamant that they needed to see the room before making a decision. He told them to stay the night and let him know the next day.

Céline could barely sit still in her excitement – an artist’s garret, just like what one hears about and reads about from the lives of famous painters who lived in Paris and New York. When the man showed them the room, he told them that he wanted floor-to-ceiling murals on two walls, the taller walls. He told them they could paint anything that they wanted using any kind of paint they wanted to use. He would buy the art materials since the two murals were going to be his in the end anyway. Robert suggested perhaps they could use acrylic paints so that the pictures would dry faster and not give problems in the damp air. Céline stubbornly wanted to use oil paint.

Before the ideas were out of their mouths the man said, they could try using both media and decide as they went along. He suggested that Robert start on one wall while Céline worked on the opposite wall, both using different media. The idea surprised both Céline and Robert, as he didn’t see himself as an artist, nor did Céline. This was her territory. Robert could detect a hint of resentment and anger in her eyes.

Seeing Céline’s expression, the young man was quick to suggest to Céline that they should give it a try. He told Céline that she could always paint over Robert's botched work when her wall was completed. She was the boss, and it was her decision in the end what would be on the walls.

Those were the magic words Céline needed to hear. She was the boss, the artist in charge. Céline said yes, yes, yes. Her face beamed with a big grin. The two young easterners dropped their things into the room and then went to an art supply shop with the man to buy a large selection of brushes and paints. The shop wasn’t far from the house and the shop owner was told that when they needed more paints and other supplies, it was okay to put them on a bill which the man then would pay later.

The man then showed Robert and Céline where they could buy their groceries at a nearby store. Robert began to realize that though they would live rent free, he would still need to get a job. It took money to buy groceries and even though they now had some money from the sale of two of Céline’s drawings, it wasn’t going to last all that long. He still needed to get a job.

Later that evening when they were alone, Robert brought up the idea of him looking for a real job. Céline was against his leaving her alone to look for work. She convinced Robert to wait for a while before looking for a job as she wanted him to paint with her in the house.

For the next two weeks they did nothing but talk of scenes and try to bring the scenes to the walls with pencil sketches. Céline suggested that they shouldn't wear clothing when they painted so that they didn’t ruin them with paint. Knowing that they didn’t have money to spend on clothing; that what little money they did have was needed for food, Robert agreed. So began a different way of living in the attic of the house in Vancouver. They lived and worked nude, only putting them on when they got invited for a meal on the main floor of the house or to a meal at a nearby restaurant.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to make the shift from clothed to nude for both Céline and Robert. Sometimes while Robert worked on the scenes Céline had sketched, she would be working with charcoal on sketches of Robert, rather than working on the scenes for her wall. She would draw him while he painted, as he sat quietly reading while leaning against a wall, or while he was playing his guitar for her. Her drawings left nothing to the imagination, while evoking more than what could be seen in a mirror.

Despite her drawings of him, Robert began to notice that she was avoiding the work of painting on her wall. He also saw that she was again retreating into herself, retreating into silence. He sensed that she was starting to drift back into a depression but didn’t know what to do about it, what to do to help her. All he knew was that she panicked if he went out of the attic room without taking her with him.

Robert’s mural was just about done when the man dropped in to see what progress had been made. He didn’t make any comments about seeing the two of them working in the nude. Robert wondered if perhaps he thought it was normal for artists to paint while nude.

The man was excited about what he saw, all the designs that were outlined by Céline the two walls. The fact that the painting which Robert had done was not done all that well didn’t matter to him. He loved the colors and the rawness of the images. He noticed that the wall in oils that Céline was working on was coming along very slowly, yet he stood in awe of what was done and what images were sketched in yet to be painted.

The very dark colors and scenes brought out images of a private hell were powerful. He spoke with wonder of seeing Dante’s inferno in living color. Robert’s crude efforts were just that, more of a paint-by-number guide than it was about real painting. Céline’s wall was pure emotion, pure art.

The man said very little as he took it all in. When he finally found his voice, he decided that what they were doing was worth more than free rent. He left two hundred dollars on the table by the door and then left them alone to continue their projects. Céline went to the money and looked at it and smiled. She knew she had earned this money.

Then she began to cry. There was no more painting that day. She cried and Robert held her. She cried for a long time, long into the night until fatigue had her finally descend into a fitful sleep just as dawn was beginning to break.

The work continued. Every time Robert stopped to watch Céline painting, he saw her think before she lifted her brush, taking a cloth to wipe out an idea she didn’t like. She stood there studying her work totally unconscious of her naked body. As he watched her, sometimes he could feel an erection begin to grow. Wearing nothing while looking at a beautiful young woman who loved him and his body, he suffered as making love to her was denied, at least for now.

Robert ached for her to touch him, to hold him, to make love with him. Céline could sense Robert’s attention, and she would turn around and see his erection and a sadness in his eyes. Then she would put the brush down, come over and kiss him, look him in the eyes and tell him how much she loved him, how much she trusted him; she loved how he respected her need to not have intercourse. Then they would kiss and caress each other. The ache from being denied more, rose within Robert and then she would stroke my hair and say it was alright as he cried. It was her moment to care for him.

They were in Vancouver almost a month before Robert called his Uncle and Aunt. The owner of the house was creeping out Robert and Céline as he would often come into the room while they painted, more interested in seeing them paint naked than on checking on their progress. Robert and Céline lived naked and painted naked within the attic as clothing was stored in safekeeping.

The man would pretend come in to check out how they were doing, but he only had eyes for Céline. Each time he came, he brought in a bag of fresh vegetables and fruit and he would give Céline some money. Because of the fruit and vegetables, they didn’t need to spend much of the money and rarely had to go out at all. Each time the man gave her the money, he made sure to say that “she” had more than earned every cent. It was as if Robert had become invisible and had contributed nothing. Robert began to hate the man, his money, and his house.

It wasn’t long before the man began to come into the attic nude. Seeing him nude in “their” space, Céline was feeling disturbed by his presence, by his apparent obsession with seeing her nude. It wasn’t seeing him naked that was the creepiest, it was the way held his body and the reason for his nudity as though trying to position himself so that Céline would notice his penis.

Robert was sure that the man had stroked himself enough to engorge his penis just before entering so that it would be larger and fuller, hard to miss, especially with the poses he took as he stood staring at Céline and pretending to be talking to both of them.

Then the man saw the drawings on the wall of Robert, the nude portraits that Céline continued to draw using charcoal. He went closer to study them before turning to look at Robert who felt like he was being judged as inferior man. The man studied the drawings, then glanced at Robert’s limp penis with a look of pathetic disdain. His look of disdain only confirmed what Robert had often been told, that he really wasn’t that much of a man. Was this the reason why Céline couldn’t make love to him? Was he not enough of a man in her eyes?

Turning back to Céline, the man asked her if she would use his face rather than mine for these portraits since we would eventually be gone, and the paintings and drawings would stay. He also wondered if she could make the penis look a little larger.

Céline was becoming more and more afraid of the man. She began to imagine that he was a serial killer, that he was just waiting for the right moment before he raped her and then chopped both of them up into small pieces. If he wasn’t a serial killer, then he was a pervert. She was sure of it. She wanted Robert to get her out of the house, away from this sick man. She knew that they now had to leave, that this wasn’t really the life that they were supposed to live.

His aunt and uncle were glad to hear from the two young runaways, that is to say, they were glad to hear from Robert, as they didn’t know Céline. Robert’s aunt and uncle invited the two of them to stay with them for a while until they found their own place. Robert didn’t tell them that he and Céline had been in Vancouver almost a month already. It was mid-September, still warm and sunny as Robert introduced Céline to them. They fell in love with her immediately.

The two guests stayed for a week. Robert would go out during the day in search of a job while Céline sat in the apartment because of her fears. Céline and Robert were back to living an almost normal life wearing clothing except for when they spent the night together in the guest bed. Most nights when they went to bed, Céline would lay in Robert’s arms with her head on his chest, a woman-child, innocent and vulnerable. Robert would lie still so as not to disturb her sleep, protecting her by drawing her even closer when she got restless in her sleep, a restlessness born from her dreams.

There were nights when Céline needed his touch, nights when she needed to feel more like a woman than a child. She would look at Robert then at his penis and then gently touch it. Then, Robert would touch her, and she responded with the smallest of noises. There was no trace of love making, no semen stains in sheets, no used tissue holding the evidence of intercourse, because there was no intercourse.

One afternoon, Céline went with Robert to Gastown where Robert hoped he could find a coffee house where he could play some music and get a few dollars in return. Gastown was filled with young people, another Yorkville, only more on the edge. They met a few young couples who asked them to come to their commune. When they were told that there was no sex allowed in the commune, that it was a Christian commune, Céline agreed that they should go and discover what it was about.

With a place to go to, the two returned and told his aunt and uncle that they had found a place of their own to stay in, a place with other young people like themselves. Robert was sure that his aunt and uncle were relieved to see the two of them leave. A week was long enough.

The Christian commune was a strange place, a very strange community of young people mostly the same age. It seemed as if no one really worked. When Robert asked where the money came from for the food to feed so many people, he was told that most of them were collecting either welfare or unemployment insurance.

The place was a shifting whirl of gatherings for prayers, singing, and bible study. Yet in Robert’s opinion, it didn’t seem that many understood the words written in the Bible. Within the commune, it was evident that a few were the controlling figures dominating the whole group while trying to mold everyone else into a set belief system despite the words in the Bible.

Céline was enthusiastic about the place and the people they found there. As she saw it, all the young men and women who had gathered together there had made a vow of purity, a vow of virginity, which made the place a sanctuary of safety. Despite the claims, Robert was surprised at seeing a few of the members engaged in sex, However, it was the practice of exorcism that finally got to Céline.

One evening in early October, a group of girls had gathered around Céline while Robert had been talking about auras with a few of the others in the common room. The girls had noticed a growing quietness in Céline, a quietness that had her withdrawing into a slight depression.

In the commune, attempts to withdraw away from the group were viewed with suspicion. Robert had learned that it was better to argue rather than sit off in his own corner, for in arguments the others had hope to convert the uncertain. In the collective opinion, retreat into silence was putting oneself in danger of being seduced by Satan.

Before Robert noticed the group around Céline, the young women had already placed their hands upon Céline’s head and were praying loudly asking for the demon of darkness to leave her. They were calling on Jesus to show Céline the light. Céline began screaming, alerting Robert to the seriousness of the situation. He quickly rushed to Céline’s side and broke up the activity while taking her out of the house to find a quiet and safe spot down the road.

Céline continued to scream and cry until she was too spent to scream any longer. With her screams now silent, Robert took her to a nearby restaurant and called his Aunt who had experience as a psyche nurse in Montreal. With her advice, Robert rushed Céline to the hospital where they met his aunt and uncle.

Céline was admitted to the hospital with a nervous breakdown. With the help of drugs, the doctors were able to stabilize Céline’s condition. Finding out that Céline’s family was in eastern Canada, they recommended her return to her family where she could then get needed long term care. The medications could only do so much.

Over the next few days, Robert, with the help of his aunt and uncle, made arrangements to take Céline back to Ottawa as Céline’s mother needed to follow up on Céline’s care. His aunt told Robert that Céline would need a lot of care for a long time and that he couldn’t do this on his own, especially as Robert didn’t have a place for to live, or a job to support both of himself and Céline during the process. Besides, Céline and Robert were still considered minors.

Since they weren’t married, Céline’s mother had the only real authority in making health decisions. Borrowing two hundred dollars from his Uncle Robert bought train tickets to Ottawa. Finally, with arrangements and phone calls to Ottawa made, Céline and Robert left Vancouver to return home, both more broken than when they had left Ottawa two months earlier.