Old People Have WAY More Sex Than You Think

When you see two older people who are still in love (or still trying to find love, if you remember Grandpa Will always cocking his hat at a rakish angle before winking at his reflection), chances are you think of sweet things. You know, how even though they've been married for decades that old man still brings his wife a bouquet of flowers and calls her his dear heart. Or how there are always a few seniors who sign up for local dance lessons as a way to stay young together.

What you probably don't think of is any of those older folks having hip-displacing, denture-rattling, pacemaker-testing sex. But they are, and they're doing it way more than you'd believe.

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Wait... WHAT!?

A funny thing happens as you get older; people tend to stop taking you seriously. Instead of being thought of as a wizened sage with a lifetime of experience to share, you end up infantilized. You're given cutesy nicknames and treated more like a little kid than you are a grown-ass adult who has made it to the other side of a lifetime of shit. People forget that you fought in war zones, that you ran a business, or that when you were younger you were often so overcome by passion that you risked getting caught just to have one more go with your lover in the back row of the drive-in.

Just because you're older, that doesn't mean you're not the same person you've always been. And the numbers bear that out when it comes to sex.

If you don't believe it, check the reporting. The New York Times reported on an unprecedented survey of seniors and their sexual habits, and found that fully a quarter of people between 57 and 85 had sex in the past year. And while there was a big drop-off around 85, that drop-off was more often linked to ability (health concerns, medication side effects, etc.) than it was to a lack of desire to keep on trucking. Of course, more than half of the folks between 57 and 75 had given or received oral in the past year, which just goes to show that interest in that activity doesn't really wane as you reach those twilight years (especially if you can pop out your denchers for a more unique experience). Masturbation was also reported fairly often, and the correlation of older people to vibrator purchases definitely bears those numbers out.

When you add in the fact that a lot of seniors live in what amount to co-ed dorms, have no job to get up for in the morning, and that a lot of them are completely out of fucks to give regarding what you think (as said fucks are being used for other purposes), the result is that old folks homes are probably way closer to Animal House than your college years ever were.

There are some drawbacks, too.

On the one hand, it's comforting to know that as we get older we stop worrying as much about the pettier aspects of physicality, and that for many of us, inhibitions get left at the door along with the walkers. But there is a teensy, itsy-bitsy problem with so many seniors having sex... and ironically it's the same problem many of them had when they were teenagers.

Lack of education about sexual risks (or just a lack of fucks to give about them, see above).

AsPsychology Todaypoints out, the biggest spike in sexually transmitted diseases isn't among experimenting millennials... it's in the 50+ population. Part of that might be that even seniors don't believe seniors are having sex. When you include a lack of inhibition, the removal of unexpected pregnancy as a potential outcome, and the fact that sex education wasn't any better in most seniors' heydays, it's no damn wonder that older folks are running into problems when they don't buy a pack of rubbers or get tested on the regular.

Some things never change.

Sex becomes different as you get older. Sometimes you have to make adjustments for changes in your body, or your abilities. Other times you learn to slow down and enjoy what used to be a panicked rush of thrusts, panting, and raging hormones. However, the need to know yourself, your body, and your partner never changes.

And if you're going to avoid using condoms when you get up there in years, at least go to the clinic to get tested first. Seriously, the looks you get necking in the lobby will be well worth the wait.