My Introduction to BDSM

It all started when I was in middle school. Right around the time I hit puberty. Let me explain. I was daydreaming nonstop about being taken advantage of; about being abused, and being forced to do sexual acts. No real people were actually involved in my introduction to BDSM, until later in life. Of course, I didn't know what it was then. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. I always felt horrible afterwards. Perhaps, the fact that I was brought up in a strict Christian household had something to do with it. I am sure there are several other factors, but the guilt component was strongly linked to my feeling bad after I masturbated to my elaborate fantasies. Bear in mind, I spent countless hours daydreaming and coming up with all sorts of scenarios (not always sexual in nature,) wherever I went. During my mid-late 20s I found out I had Maladaptive Daydreaming, which is another story for another time. This disorder led me to creating numerous worlds, scenarios and characters in my head.

These elaborate fantasies/daydreams kept taking place. Whenever I had bad days the fantasies would be darker, and vice versa. I picked up on the pattern. I would have a bad day, blame myself for my shortcomings, and then begin to fantasize about what my Dominant character would do to me. Although, it still wasn't clear to me that I made a connection between feeling inadequate, and needing to be "disciplined" then.

Years went by. I had lows and highs, but I would always go back to my "dark" fantasies, and feel guilty afterwards. One day, on a road trip, I downloaded a short story to read during the trip, not knowing it was about a BDSM relationship. It wasn't 50 shades of Grey. The book and movie make me cringe painfully. They have a very misleading representation of the community. In fact, I refuse to read or watch it. Ok...Back to my story. In the short story I downloaded onto my tablet, it was apparent that there had to be rules. Safety and trust always came first. I was intrigued. I downloaded several other fiction ebooks that involved the subject matter. And I could finally distinguish between what was ethical, and what was not; that none of the BDSM actions were to take place without consent; that there were a myriad forms of consent. Suddenly, I started to let go of my guilt. It was a breakthrough!

I began investigating more online. A whole new world opened up to me. Luckily, I didn't get involved in real life BDSM, until I started dating my now Husband, as I am prone to be in abusive relationships, and do have submissive tendencies.

I discovered BDSM chatrooms. These were the most informative, honestly. These chatrooms had real life people from the BDSM community. There were a lot of obnoxious ones who abused their power, so to speak. Others were very respectful, and were willing to answer questions, and guide me through the process of being a new sub (submissive). They were wonderful. I was mesmerized by it. I was single then. I became involved with two online Doms (Dominants), respectively, because none of us wanted to pursue any real life relationships, at the time. They were more than happy to teach me, and sometimes even help me set rules to follow. The initial stage was so addictive that it was all I could think about from the time I woke up, until the time I went to bed. It was euphoric to follow rules and receive praise. I believe it's called Sub-frenzy. When it started interfering in my everyday life, I discussed it with my online Dom. He didn't think it was a big deal. As if he knew I was going to get over it. I eventually did.

Fast-forward to 2020. I turned 35 a couple of months ago. I am happy to report that I, now, lead a very healthy relationship with my husband, who enjoys being a Dom. We don't practice D/S everyday, but it's a big part of our lives. We love it.

If you enjoyed this post, or have questions about this lifestyle, please leave a comment in the comment section below. I would love to be of help in answering, and sharing more about my BDSM experience.

Thank you for reading ^^