Most Difficult Sex Positions

Have you ever glanced through the Kama Sutra and wondered how in hell they can contort themselves into the most difficult sex positions you have ever seen? If you think sex should be more a game of Chess than a round of Twister, you may find this a bit eye-opening (not to mention eye-watering).

But surely there can’t be that many methods that warrant the title of the "Most Difficult Sex Positions"? I mean, sex is easy, right? You lie down, switch off the lights, and you’re in! Well…not exactly, at least, not if you want to change it up a bit and add a bit of variety. And to this end (pun intended) we bring you the Filthy guide to the most difficult sex positions.

The Passion Propeller

You spin me right round baby, right round. The Passion Propeller is something of an enigma. It starts off innocently enough, in the missionary position. But then, while he is still inside, he does a 360 degree rotation, using his hands to move himself around. I mean, dicks weren’t designed to be used as a spindle, and aesthetically it can’t be pretty for the woman; she’s left with a view of his ass and his feet, and risks a kick in the face! Men aren’t known for taking care of their feet either, so a hairy crack and calloused heels, and a lumbering crawl around the bed, don’t seem that appealing.

The Butter Churner

Feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders? You will if you try this one! The woman lies on her back, with her legs in the air, and the guy squats on her, with his erect penis facing downwards and plunges in and out. Not only is this position likely to cause at the very least a crick in the neck for the woman, and carpet burn to the shoulders, but – unless the guy has super strong leg muscles – she’ll have not only her own weight but her partner’s too because he’ll effectively be sitting on the back of her thighs! Like he’s having a dump. And ladies, no matter how fat-free you are, in this position you ARE going to have stomach rolls and at least three chins. And probably asphyxia.

The X Position

NEVER have sex with an ex. Or an X. Unless you want to try this one. It’s doesn’t require as much athleticism as the others in our list of the most difficult sex positions, but it does necessitate a lot of careful limb placement. In a nutshell (ha!), you sit opposite each other, and form a cross with your legs. The girl lies back, and one of her legs is in between his. Once he’s in, you hold hands so he has more ‘traction’ and can go deeper. It’s quite sedate really. Or sedating, I’m not sure which.

The Pretzel

The film 9½ Weeks epitomized foody sex, but I don’t recall a scene where Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke impersonated the stuff. And yet, here we are. In The Pretzel, you’re halfway between the missionary and doggy style…the woman lies on her side while the guy kneels between her legs. However, she has one leg wrapped around his waist, and the other under his butt. So he’s basically sitting on the inside of her thigh. While it is supposed to give a very different feeling to normal positions, all I can think of is that I hope he doesn’t leave a skid mark!

The Spider

Really? Any guy who knows anything about the natural world is going to be inclined to run if a woman sidles up to him and asks him to shag like a spider. Because, you know, certain female spiders eat their mate after they’ve done the dirty. And before you get your hopes up guys, we’re not talking about a blow job! Probably the simplest way of getting into position is he sits on the floor, she sits on him, face to face, and then you both lean back, taking your weight on your hands. Did we mention Twister earlier? Ladies, you’d better hope he cums quickly, because sooner or later your wrists are going to give way and you’ll land in a heap on the floor, possibly taking his disembodied dick with you.

The Snow Angel

This position is about as far from ethereal as they cum. Kind of like an inverted missionary, she lies on her back while he is on top, but with his head facing her feet. Then somehow, he manages to maneuver his erect wang inside her, completely defying nature. Using his knees he thrusts, while she can grab his ass or play with his balls. But, with such an open view of his ass, you may see more than you bargained for!

The Wheelbarrow

Where do I start? A little pruning of a lady garden is one thing, but when you introduce a wheelbarrow into sex, it becomes heavy duty labor. For one thing, you both have to be uber fit to sustain this position. Even being sentient would be hard, but introduce thrusting and it takes on another dimension. While she is balancing on her hands, he has a hold of her legs around his waist as he’s standing, and away they go. Even assuming you are both fit enough, if the woman is blessed in the chest department, don’t mistake the muffled groans from your lady as pleasure. That will be her desperately trying to breathe through the mouthful of mammary that gravity is inflicting upon her.

Standing Up

Ah, an oldie but goody. Not one you would automatically include in a list of most difficult sex positions, but yes…it’s made it. And it’s almost impossible to achieve. Unless your guy weight lifts for his country, and you are lighter than a feather, this can only end one way. I mean, give men their dues – sex is hard work, so can you imagine them not only having a whole extra adult in their arms, not just a dead weight, but bouncing up and down, while they try to maintain balance, keep their legs slightly bent, and actually fuck, and you’ll see why we included it. It looks so easy in the movies, but in real life he’s likely to end up with a penile injury and a partner with a very bruised tush.

The Waterfall

Aka "The Back Breaker". Ok, for argument’s sake, let’s say this position is actually achievable. We’ll go for achievable, because sustainable it’s not. The guy shimmies to the edge of the bed, and then leans backwards so that his head is on the floor. His lady then slides on to his cock, and rides him. Simple. Except…it’s not. The poor guy, unless he climaxes super-fast, will have a massive head rush, turn purple, and pass out. If he’s a real smoothie, he may well have satin sheets, which will cause his butt to slide off the bed, taking the woman with him, propelling her forwards, possibly smashing her nose on the nearest wall or piece of furniture, and smothering him in the process.

The London Bridge

There are so many ways this could go wrong, I don’t know where to start. Here’s the lowdown – he does a backward crab, so his hands and feet are on the floor and he is arched backwards, forming a bridge. She sits on him, legs either side, with him penetrating her. And that’s it. Except, unless she has long enough legs, she’ll be sort of just sitting there, as he’s going to be too busy stopping himself from collapsing to provide the motion too. With her feet not touching the floor, one wrong move and she will topple over, possibly snapping his penis off in the process. Plus he would need to have the strength of Samson to hold that position for long. Sciatica anyone?

Sex should be fun. And unless part of your fantasy is being carted off to the ER, you might want to think twice about trying any of the most difficult sex positions listed here. Spice things up, by all means, and possibly learn some yoga first, but while a splinted penis might make a lady’s eyes light up, it’s not going to do much for a man’s street cred. Have fun, but practice SAFE sex, and we don’t mean condoms!