Mistakes Men Make with Women

Man was not meant to live alone. We are a sharing species, living in groups, depending on the care, feeding, and nurturance of others of our own kind. We seek out relationships in which the bond is love, and although we may find satisfactions in life without it, loving another person builds a solid base of happiness in our lives. It is the sharing of joy and security, the pleasure and sometimes even the pain of being in love that gives us that special lift, that exhilaration we call happiness.

Why, then, are relationships so difficult? Why are we turning to divorce at an incredible rate? What causes the breakups, the problems, the transiency of relationships today?

Something I and many others have found in research is that men and women blunder forward into relationships that often don't suit them, because they make basic mistakes in choosing partners and in relating to those partners. I wanted to let you know where you may have been going wrong and missing out on some of the greatest satisfactions that life has to offer. I spoke with professionals and laymen, asking about the mistakes men make with women. I wanted to find out some of the truths as men see them and the disappointments that women see. Here is what we all came up with.

Men Believe Too Much About What They Hear from the Women's Movement

George Bernard Shaw said, "Independence, that's middle-class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth." This is indeed true.

Men have been listening with only one ear to the women's movement, and a lot of the talk has been incomprehensible. As a result, men have been committing grievous mistakes with women, believing they are doing what we want them to do. The women's movement did not arise just so that women could become "one of the boys"; women still depend on men for certain things, no matter what, and the reverse is also true.

For example, as one interviewee, Sally, explained, "I had told Ben that I couldn't see him one night, because I had to go to a school meeting. He knew that I taught in a high-crime area, but he didn’t even offer to drive me there or pick me up. When I talked to him about it later, he said that he hadn't wanted to insult me by playing the big man protector."

Another complaint regarding this mistake is exemplified by Joan, who has been living with Fred for almost a year. "Fred and I got into a grand finale scene which we haven't really recovered from. He suggested we begin a more open relationship by my dating other men. He went on about my having the same physical needs as a man and that perhaps I’d want other men and that it would be perfectly okay with him. Me, like a dummy, thought that he wanted other women, so I went along with him."

"We weren't communicating very openly when this subject came up, so it seemed natural to both of us that we didn’t discuss it too much. We weren't used to discussing anything in depth anyway. 'Sure,' I said, 'let's be free and go with the crowd.' But in my heart I was dying. Both of us began what neither one of us wanted, and it's hurt our relationship."

"I know we should have talked more about it. I know now that Fred was only saying what he thought he should say after reading about how women want to be sexually free. I know I should have been more secure and stated what I really wanted, but we both went so far from what we want because of some stupid 'supposed to.' "

Yes, men, there are areas in which women do not want to be independent and liberated. They want the good, old-fashioned man who takes care of them, guards them jealously unto themselves, and helps them in every phase of their lives. Men like Ben and Fred can easily lose the women they care about because they are practicing what they read or hear, rather than what they and their lovers feel and want.

Men Often Believe in "Shouldisms"

Dr. Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, made the word "shouldism" famous. Concerned with the here and now, he constantly reminded people that there are no "shoulds"; there is only what is. Many of the men I spoke with expressed the feeling that they miss a great deal in life because they feel they "should" live up to a "masculine image."

Steve's experience with this phenomenon seems to apply to many men. "I was brought up to think that anything feminine was sissy and therefore bad. I had to be strong, fearless, totally independent, and self-assured. I could never be needy or scared or lonely or unsure. I am still indoctrinated with these feelings. I can't ask for love or warmth or help. I can't be afraid. I still have to fight these old, phony beliefs."

The shoulds that Steve has been taught are deeply ingrained. He knows intellectually that he needn't feel these pressures, but he does feel them. Dr. Ellen Langer, a professor of social psychology at Harvard University, pointed out some differences between the sexes that research has identified. Steve is burdened with one of those differences. As Dr. Langer said, "Men do feel they have to be stronger and women are supposed to be weaker, both physically and emotionally. Men are trained to pretend to be impervious to hurt or rejection or failure. By pretending they don't care, they open themselves to untold pain and callousness."

Behaving as they think they should, men who lose a job pretend they are not upset. Men who lose a relative pretend to be stoic, strong, able to mourn privately. Men who lose a lover pretend to be carefree and uninjured. They do what they feel they should, but in reality, by putting up this wall of strength, they are depriving themselves of the healing effects of the warmth and compassion from others. Along with the self-deprivation comes the alienation which accompanies such "strength." Men who do not share their feelings remain closed off, distant from others and from the women who love them. They stand alone, and no one can be a real part of their lives.

Bill let go of the shoulds in his life after a furiously destructive battle with his second wife. He rushed to a friend's house and collapsed in his arms. "I grew up that night as I cried in Bob's arms," he said. "I was able to let go of all the walls, unlock all the locks. I was able to be me, vulnerable and afraid, and to ask for the comfort and love I needed so desperately, Bob held me and rocked me, and I was cradled with love I not only needed, but was mature enough to ask for."

Bill now realizes that his second marriage and two other serious relationships were destroyed in the wake of the relentless energies he expended in keeping up his facade of strength. Dr. Langer said, "Men deprive themselves of any emotional outlet or expression which may be construed as feminine. What a terrible deprivation."

Shoulds do more than depriving men of warmth and closeness. They also keep many men from being playful because that, too, is considered feminine. Teasing, being seductive, skipping on a beach, squealing with laughter—all these are considered feminine and, thus, not appropriate male behavior. What shoulds in your life are keeping you from the happy relationship that you want? How are the "supposed tos" causing you to make mistakes, alienate women you care about, and deprive yourself of pleasures?

Men Compromise Themselves Because a Woman Looks Good

Ken, a sociology student at Harvard, expressed it this way. "Men commit themselves too early for fear of losing the best-looking chick in the crowd. The guy isn't ready, the girl isn't ready, and the relationship is doomed. I don't think men are realistic when it comes to choosing a woman—as far as the timing and the right person are concerned. They don't realize how important social position, financial security, and prestige are to a man. All of these are much more important than a pretty face."

Dr. Daniel J. Levinson of Yale University, in his book, The Seasons of a Man's Life, substantiates Ken's opinion with research. Dr. Levinson found a man who does not complete his "dream," his career plans, can never be content. If a man falls for a woman whose looks fit his preconceived notion of beauty, but she doesn't meet his social or intellectual needs, then this causes resentment, anger, blame, and eventual destruction of the relationship.

We've all known men and women involved in bad relationships that they have struggled to keep alive. We've seen friends being destroyed by a love partner but unable to release themselves from the pain. Often such relationships were begun based solely on the good looks of one or both partners.

Burt is in that situation. He is a successful advertising executive. He's handsome, he's charming, but he's totally controlled by Sandy, a beautiful bitch who mistreats and ridicules him. Burt has compromised his values for Sandy, giving up his friends, his relatives, and even his daughter. He has compromised his self-image for Sandy, using his position to get her modeling work, something he detests doing. He has compromised his career as he constantly repays favors done for Sandy by hiring models he wouldn't have chosen, using artists he knows are not the best, and being responsive to people he doesn't care to be beholden to.

Burt is "beauty whipped" by Sandy, and he knows it. But he can't do a thing about it. He feels crippled by his need for her. "I know all the negatives. No one has to tell me. But no one can understand how I feel when every man in a room turns green with envy when I walk in with Sandy. No one can know how proud I feel and what that does for me. I can't give that up."

You may dismiss Burt's situation, thinking he's weak. What are your weaknesses? Do you ever compromise? Men give up a great deal when they need to show off a beautiful woman. Feeding their ego seems more important than the reality of the situation.

Chris, a psychology student at Boston University, added another vital aspect to the issue. :I think that men don't realize how essential it is to have interests in common, equal intellectual stimulation, and a deep respect for everything about each other. They get blinded by extrinsic values, and they fall. The fall is often self-destructive, as well as bad for the woman."

Dr. Albert Ellis, director of the Institute for Rational Living and author of many books, including Overcoming Procrastination, felt that this is indeed a major mistake that men make. He said, "Men aren't strong enough when they are infatuated with a pretty woman. They want approval so badly, they think they need its and they act like schnooks, weak and foolish. They give up a lot of themselves in trying to keep such a woman because they need her, when in fact their weak behavior causes them to lose her." Being seduced by beauty can be a devastating mistake. It can lead you into an intimacy long before your ego can handle it. The ego is temporarily bolstered by having a beautiful partner, and you may commit yourself to a relationship without having made important other choices that are necessary to achieve the life you envision for yourself. When the emptiness of the relationship is recognized, all that is left is a terrible loss of self-esteem and emotional pain. You are left to pick up the pieces of a life that may not have progressed at all."

Of course, this is not true of every relationship with a beautiful woman, but we are living in an age where youth and beauty are worshiped. We are surrounded by pressures to acquire and show off, and often men are hooked by these societal values. Don't devalue yourself in any way in order to win a beautiful woman. Don't compromise yourself. Compromise is often the beginning of failure.

Men Don't Accept the "Separate" Psychology

Boy and girl children are brought up differently from birth in our culture, and, consequently, there are differences between the sexes—not that men are less emotional than women, or that men can't be hurt, or are impervious to outside influences. Those are fallacies we've been bombarded with for so long that we tend to believe them. One of the big mistakes men make with women is that men avoid being aware of the differences between the sexes, instead of taking them into account in their relationships.

In the study that Dr. Levinson did for The Seasons of a Man's Life, he looked at men of many social and economic statuses, educational and occupational levels, and racial and ethnic backgrounds. He found a striking truth about all men that is quite different with women. As Dr. Levinson put it, "Man’s work is the primary base for his life in our society." The disparity which is so striking is that the primary base for a woman's life in our society is a man. The priorities are in direct conflict with each other. Dr. Levinson finds that a man's life follows a certain pattern. He forms a dream which is usually related to his choice of career. He then seeks success in this career through study, experience, and hard work. He then seeks marriage and a family.

The message in this study is clear. As they are developing their life's dream, men have paths to lead that often are totally out of synch with the women in their lives. Men beware. Follow your path as you need to. Don't be influenced by outside callings like beauty, or by other pressures. Listen to your own needs. One twenty-four-year-old divorced man told me, "I knew I shouldn't be feeling guilty and responsible for her. I knew we live in a more liberated world and that sex doesn’t have to mean marriage. I knew I should follow my own needs and intuitions, but I was pressured into following what I thought society wanted me to do." What is the essential thing for men? They need to be successful in their career or occupation. They need to follow a dream before they can follow their heart. Society does not embrace male failure. This is one of the male burdens.

Men Lose by Allowing Sex to Be a Burden

I know this is an explosive statement, so let me qualify it. Of course sex is dynamite, the Taj Mahal, and the Yellow Brick Road. Of course it's the best thing to happen to us, bar none. But there are also many problems in the sexual arena that men suffer with and that burden them.

One of the problems is the wellknown, much written about "pressure to perform" phenomenon. I feel strongly that men's mistake is to accept this pressure. You don't have to. The myth of penis power is perpetuated by men, used to put men down, and enslaves men to their penises. Fight back. You have the right to perform with whom you want, when you want, and if you want. Don't make the mistake of accepting this burden. (Of course, if you are dysfunctional, or don't enjoy sex as much as you'd like to, don't ignore the problem, but don't allow someone else to give you a problem, either.)

Another sexual burden men mistakenly accept is that women want what men want. This is true to some extent. Women certainly enjoy making love as much and are as passionate as men—when they want to be. Dr. Albert Ellis said of the when, "Men make the mistake of thinking that if a woman is horny, she will have sex—as a man who is horny will. This is not realistic. Women put sex into context; They want a lot more than physical relief. Men don’t understand this, and they've used the word 'cockteaser' for such women. It's not that she's teasing. She needs more than just being horny."

A college student I spoke with put it this way: "A man gives love to get sex, a woman gives sex to get love." Despite liberation and increased sexual activity, women do want an emotional component in their sexual pleasure. Women choose to have emotionless sex less often than men. Most men want love and emotion as much as women do, but they are also able to enjoy the physical experience without anything else much more than women can. Men have to understand this in order to make fewer mistakes in their sexual overtures to women. It can save you from a great deal of pain and a sense of rejection which is usually unfounded.

Men Don’t Ask

This is true not only in sexual areas, but in many others as well. There are so many shoulds to support the male ego that men keep themselves from letting go and asking. But you get very little you don't ask for, and in the end you have been deprived.

Men don't ask for help, understanding, solutions, or softness. Too often men feel that they must do it alone, as part of their shoulds.

This inability to ask is especially depriving sexually. Too often men feel that unless they have an erection, or the desire to penetrate and climax, they should avoid sexual contact. But women want tenderness and warmth just as men do. They don't necessarily have to have sex every time physical contactis desired. They don't necessarily want marathon thrusting, cunnilingus, or gymnastics every time in bed. If you desire warmth and closeness, reach out for her. Ask for what you want, so there's no confusion or tension connected with this loving act. Don't be burdened by what you may think are her expectations or by pressures you may put upon yourself.

There is a technique I use in my groups which is dramatic but very effective. I hold my hand out to the center of the group. People make such remarks as, "What is she doing?" "Now what?" Finally, someone takes my hand, and I say, "If I hadn't put my hand out, we wouldn't have touched, and how lovely it is that you've responded to my request to be touched." It is a lesson in getting what you want when you ask for it. And it's wonderful to get what you've asked for.

Men Don’t Listen

I know you’ve heard this one before, and you are probably defensively negating the remark. But let's look at some facts.

I have worked with several hundred patients and have heard this complaint an infinite number of times. Dr. Ellis confirmed the fact that men don’t listen from his vast experience with thousands of patients. Research indicates that men listen to what they decide they want to listen to, whereas women listen because they are asked to listen.

In a study that compared men's and women's listening habits, it was found that men did listen, but only when the subject interested them, when they thought they would be rewarded for listening, or when they liked the researcher. Otherwise, they turned off. Women, however, listened to all the material presented, regardless of subject matter, personal interest, or researcher.

These findings show that listening is a deliberate, voluntary act. You choose to listen if you want to. The motivation for listening is self-serving in the man, much more so than in the woman. Also supporting the contention that men don’t listen is the fact that men do not share their thoughts in the way that women do. From the time little girls are able to talk, they gossip, they tell each other everything, they congregate just to talk. Boys don't do this. They congregate to play, not to talk or listen to each other. They are together to compete.

As Dr. Ruthellen Rosenfelder, a feminist psychologist, told me, "Boys don't establish close relationships until their teen years. They don't really have the experience of being close to someone and sharing thoughts and dreams with them as girls do. They are not trained to listen."

Again, the research into sex differences indicates without a doubt that women are sensitive to their environment, to unspoken cues, to body language, much more so than men, and this is an essential part of listening. Women's ability to identify emotionally with others creates in them a desire to listen and to empathize. Women have this ability, and men would, too, but they were trained out of it early in life because it is considered a feminine trait. Men live for and thrive on competition. This is an ingrained societal value.

Men are not as introspective as women. Men care more about their accomplishments than their motivations. The competitive drive and the lack of self examination work together against men's listening skills. Listening is an analyzing process that seldom has concrete proof of accomplishment attached to it.

Another reason men's listening skills seem to have been cut off may be convoluted, but there's substantial evidence to support it. Listening is paying attention, and in a sense it is giving. The ability to give is considered feminine. This, along with talking, also considered feminine, has caused many men to avoid the art of listening as they avoid all things feminine.

If you consider the times you've been accused of not listening, you may remember that you felt the conversation was wasted—girl talk. You didn't care to respond to your lover's needs at the time. You didn't feel like "giving." You were preoccupied with judging the speaker. You couldn't wait to say something interesting yourself. Maybe you just didn't care enough to pay attention. Whatever your reasons, accept the apparent truth that men are guilty of not listening, and this creates many problems. Dr. Ellis aptly said, "Women may be abnormally needy of attention and listening, but men don't listen at all most of the time. But they do listen to other men, so there must be something about the relationship between men and women causing this lack of attention."

Men Separate a Woman from Her Self, Her Job, Her Children, Her Priorities

Dr. Charles Miller, a noted psychologist, discussed this phenomenon. "Men have an idealized image of what they want in a woman. They fall in love with someone and then proceed to make her into that idealized image. They love the extrinsic values—the looks, the style, the flair. But they forget that this woman is complex. They separate her from her family, her job, her friends, even her hobbies and interests. They insist on seeing only that which fits the image, and they are sadly disappointed when the image falls from the pedestal they've erected."

Every man I spoke with could recall such a relationship. I heard about men who couldn't stand the woman's children, but who persisted in maintaining the image of the relationship; men who loved women whose values were totally out of synch with their own—lazy women, women who lied, women who had no goal or self-image; and men who loved women who were totally uninterested in them, yet they persisted.

Seth is such a man. He actually told me that Tuesday night was his masochistic night. He dated Cindy every Tuesday night, wining and dining her, taking her to shows and concerts—the sky was the limit. All this despite the fact that Cindy refused to make love with him, told him she was actively seeking a husband, certainly not him, and in fact didn't like him very much at all. Seth's predetermined image of the woman he wanted to have a relationship with kept him glued to Cindy. She fit the image in looks, but nothing else, and he was hitting his head against a wall in trying to make the other pieces fit as well.

Of course, this is an extreme example, but it is not as rare as you might like to believe. This act of dichotomization is prevalent when men don't see a total picture of their relationships. They are blinded by their own images, and they perpetuate relationships despite the unrealistic aspects of them. Seth told me after Cindy finally refused to see him, "The pain was so real that I finally came back to earth. It was the only real feeling I'd had in that relationship in two years." If you don't accept all aspects of the woman you love, if you don't see them clearly and realistically, then you are heading for serious problems. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so look around you at the real world, and be sure that you've seen all of it. A woman is entitled to be seen as a total person, not someone who must conceal some sides of herself in order to be loved by you.

Men Treat Women Like Women First and Persons Next

As I've said, there are areas where women do want to be treated like women. But there are other areas where we want men to get past the fact that we're women and to drop their stereotyped ideas of what women are like, and quit their put-downs of us because we're women. Dr. Rosenfelder feels strongly that “women are looked upon as creatures of comfort and joy, not as someone to respect and listen to." She goes on to explain that women are overlooked when it comes to decision-making processes in industry as well as at home. Women are considered frail and in need of protection in times of crisis. While we might like to believe that such stereotyped ideas are gone, the unfortunate reality is that they still are with us.

Another sex difference indicated by Dr. Langer's research, as well as by all research regarding sex differences, is that men do indeed consider women to be physically and emotionally weaker than men. Men are still treating gender as a relevant variable in places where it's totally irrevelant (and this can turn a woman off faster than body odor or bad breath). Dr. Ben Zion Chanowitz, a professor at Harvard University, agreed that men acknowledge skill according to gender. He said, “An intelligent statement made by a woman is considered intuitive. Whereas an intelligent statement made by a man is considered skill and experience.”

Serious examples of this attitude can be seen in the lower purses won by women tennis players; lower entrance fees to women's competition; lower salaries for women in every area, be it blue-collar, executive, artistic, or professional work; women being bypassed for promotion because they are seen as women first and competent secondarily; women's incomes not being considered when getting mortgages; women being refused places in medical schools—the list is long and infuriating. But the tragedy is that men lose out by holding with this attitude. In relationships, men fail to experience the fullness of a woman by not respecting her mind and her ideas, and by dismissing her total abilities, and this is a mistake. Women want to be listened to and given credit for their intelligence, capabilities, and creativity because these things have value, not because they are “women's things." We want this in our careers, in our financial lives, and in our social lives. But in our emotional lives, we also need consideration for and recognition of the sensitivities we possess as women.

Men's Fear of Intimacy Alienates Them from the Close Relationships They Want

You must have been accused of fearing intimacy at some time, and your accuser may well have been right. It goes along with not asking for things, not listening, doing what you should, and not seeing women as people first. When you are intimate with someone, your basic male need to be in control of things and yourself is threatened. In noncommittal situations you are able to protect yourself from exposing your less than most masculine sides because you fear you will be rejected for possessing those traits. If you are intimate with someone, that person will see the vulnerable, needy, childish, irrational, and ugly sides of you, as well as the strong, decisive, thoughtful, and loving sides. We are all so frightened of being open with others.

We avoid it at all costs. Men are especially well armored. I have a theory about the fear of intimacy and why it can be a much more exaggerated fear in men than in women. This idea has been supported in my own research as well as in that of my colleagues.

We are all raised by a woman. We all become the victims of some sort of psychological mistreatment by our mothers, whether it is real or imagined. And no mother is perfect. Most of us consider our childhoods to have been a nightmare of powerlessness and servitude. It is the woman who runs the child's world, and it is she who arouses antagonism, mistrust, and fear in her children.

When a girl grows up, she usually loves a man. But the grown-up boy finds love with a woman, the gender that controlled him in his early life. A man is in constant battle to separate his woman lover from his mother. He has to learn to differentiate his boyhood experiences from his present ones. It is very difficult, since he is automatically suspicious about the woman's motives and intentions. Men carry with them a legacy of guilt and anxiety about women. They often reject women who make them feel as their mothers did. Men are locked in a constant struggle to become autonomous, to outgrow the little boy on the inside.

I am certainly not saying that all mother-son relationships are totally negative. What I am saying is the negative aspects are exaggerated for men because they turn to the same sex – another woman—for adult love. Ergo, his exacerbated fear of intimacy and closeness.

Men are not more guilty in destroying relationships than are women. We are all victims, to some extent, of our սpbringing in this society. However, in directing this subject to the Gallery reader, usually a man, I looked for answers to the questions of where and how the man goes wrong, so that you can avoid mistakes in the future. There is no blame or insidious feminist message here. This article is the result of my research, personal experiences, and interviews with men and women willing to share what they had learned. There are indeed mistakes men make with women which they can avoid, correct, and learn from. Now that mistakes you may have made with women have been pointed out to you, surely you can get to work on finding the relationship that pleases you most and suits you well.