Men Want One Thing More Than Sex

"All men want is sex," as the saying goes. I was confident it was real when I was 17 years old. I sensed it might not be real when I was 37 years old. I know it's not true now that I'm 73 years old.

Don't get me wrong: sex is lovely at any age, but there's something more vital than sex that men and women struggle to accept and give.

This realization came to me gradually, and it was most apparent in my men's group. For the past 38 years, I've been meeting with six other males on a regular basis, and sex has always been a topic of discussion.

We're competitive, like all males, and we all want to be viewed as successful, but we've also learned to be honest with one other. We discuss not just our sexual triumphs, but also our failures, worries, and ambiguities.

Since I was a child, I've been taught that desiring sex equals being a guy. I recall overhearing a girl I liked in high school chatting about a man we both knew.

He "didn't come on to me as other guys do," she said, rather than being focused on sex.

"He's not acting very macho," she continued to tell her girlfriend.

The message was clear: "genuine men" desire sex, and you're not a true man if you don't "come on" to a female.

This early lesson has been confirmed throughout time: for many men, a constant desire for sex is a sign of manliness. It's preferable to be repeatedly turned down and be labeled a jerk obsessed with sex than to desire something other than sex and be labeled "less than a man."

So, except sex, what do guys desire?

We've all heard that women must feel loved in order to have sex, whereas men must have sex in order to feel loved.

Let us take a closer look at what guys receive when they engage in sexual activity. There is physical pleasure, but there is also a deeper need being met. The need for a safe harbor is what I call it.

The world of males is a competitive one. Guys compete with other males for access to the most desirable females on the most basic level. Males initiate contact, and females choose which males to accept.

Sure, these roles are less strict in modern times than they previously were, but whether we're peacocks or people, we still strut our stuff in the hopes of being picked by the woman we're seeking.

Getting into her body offers us a sense of serenity and belonging that extends far beyond sexual pleasure.

Of course, I'm referring to heterosexual guys in this case. In the LGBT community, there's a similar dynamic, but I'll focus on men and women here.

Many of us have fond memories of our early school dances. You had to make the long trek across the room with everyone looking and ask the girl to dance if you wanted to have her in your arms.

You'd be in ecstasy if she agreed. You'd be in hell if she rejected. To hold and be held by a female, you must first make yourself susceptible to rejection.

We've been beaten and scarred by the world of competitiveness and rejection by the time we reach adulthood. We want a secure haven where we won't have to pretend to be someone we aren't in order to be picked.

We want someone who accepts us for who we are and yet wants us, someone who can embrace us and touch our hearts and souls as well as our bodies.

"Always craving sex" is a component of our macho identity. What we truly desire is a secure haven where we can seek refuge, rest, and be looked after. In other words, we need the sense of being nurtured that most of us lacked as infants.

However, acknowledging these urges makes us feel like small boys, not powerful men. It's better to be macho with our sexual urge, and then relax, be ourselves, and be imbued with love once we're within her body. When we have sex, we have a hidden yearning.

Laying on my wife Carlin's lap and having my scalp rubbed is one of my favorite things she does for me. This is a nice, secure haven. I don't need to have sex to satisfy this craving.

All I have to do now is ask for it. I'm getting genuinely affected and absolutely embraced here. I'm not under any need to perform or prove myself. All I have to do now is be willing to be really vulnerable.

Men find it difficult to ask to be held, nursed, and touched, while women find it difficult to provide that type of closeness.

There are three primary causes, all of which are generally unspoken:

• First, women are socialized to believe that males are men. They fear that if he doesn't desire sex, they won't be beautiful enough.
• Second, a guy's need to be held and nourished makes others think they're dealing with a boy rather than a man. I can't tell you how often people tell me things like, "It's like I have three kids in the home." Then there's my spouse, and then there are our two boys." Women desire a partner but are concerned about having another child.
• Third, women despise males who lack bravery. They understand that the most aggressive males are those who feel helpless and weak. They've witnessed guys allowing themselves to be nice and vulnerable, only to be met with hatred and anger afterward.

It takes a long time and a lot of maturity for males to realize that they need a safe haven where they can be nourished and accepted by a woman.

It takes a lot of guts for a guy to tell his girlfriend that he wants sex, but what he really wants is stability, love, and nurturing. Allowing ourselves to be as vulnerable as a child may be the manliest thing a guy can do.

A woman must also be willing to go past her own training and be receptive to a man who is exposing himself in fresh ways.

Accepting the role of safe harbor requires a great deal of self-love and self-confidence. She must also be prepared to defend herself if his embarrassment at being vulnerable manifests itself in worry, rage, or sadness.

Taking such chances is difficult for both men and women, but the return is a lifetime of growing love and closeness.

Thank you for reading...

Disclaimer:

STORY WITH ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT ARE INCLUDED IN THIS POST. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 AND MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL ADULTS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.