Love Games

So, I went on a date. I was proud. I put myself out there, I’m practicing healthy dating behavior, he’s cute af, and what happens? He ghosts me. And what am I doing now? Exhibiting not so healthy dating behaviors like looking at his LinkedIn profile, creating an even greater attraction to the idea I have of him rather than anything actually based in reality, and further distancing myself from the chance of him desiring me because I fucking forgot LinkedIn notifies you when someone looks at your profile.

Obviously, not a big deal. I looked at his LinkedIn, so what? Logically, that is true. I feel an entirely different way, though. Perhaps this triggered a feeling of abandonment. Or perhaps I simply don’t take rejection well. I can see both being true. Part of me is insulted. Why wouldn’t he want to talk to me after we had fun and he said multiple times he wanted to hang out again? What could have possibly changed? The other part of me comes up with a million excuses as to why he wouldn’t want to be with me. He’s pretty established in his career (info gathered via his LinkedIn) when I am just starting out. I also hope to have more than one career, so while this is the beginning, this is one of many beginnings for me, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll be in 5 years. Why should that deter him, though? It shouldn’t. If it did that shows he doesn’t have a proper view of who I am, and why should I go through the trouble of trying to show him? I know my value. I have a desire for him to see it, but I cannot force him to. I can’t force him to see me at all. And that’s okay.

A part of me is still upset. Maybe that reaction will get easier to control. I truly don’t see his rejection of me as a bad thing. Obviously I’m not having the most pleasant reaction to it but I’m just wired that way, and I’m putting in the work to rewire my neural network so that I don’t continue to react this way. I will get better at rejection. Not everybody I’m attracted to will want to go on a second date with me. Even the ones that do still might not have respect for me. In all honestly though, I should be thankful the first person I was attracted to after getting back out there didn’t string me along for longer, or fuck me then ghost me. I am strong and can handle anything, but I’m also fragile and have much further to go on my path of healing, and this could have been much worse rather than the light practice of rejection it currently is.

Enrique, thank you for ghosting me. There is no better way of showing me dat dis pussy is too good for you (u can still eat my ass doe) (if u want) (kidding, kidding, kidding!) (maybe).

Another thing I would like to process here is what the fuck I even want out of dating. Am I strictly experimenting here or do I actually want a relationship? I do not feel remotely ready for a relationship, but I also want to fuck, but I also don’t want to just fuck once or twice and thass it. I want to keep things open to fucking other people but also know I’m a devout ass bitch. Although, I have only dated in Durango where the pickins be slim. I want there to be mutual respect between myself and whoever I’m fucking, but I guess I’m nervous of getting territorial. I only foresee that happening if I’m being bullshitted, if they aren’t communicating properly, or if I start to miss them if we don’t see or talk to each other for a while. And here’s where we see the abandonment issues coming out. I’m okay with the other person doing whatever they want, but I also don’t want them to ever fully leave me. When they do, I latch on harder. Very fucking similar to my relationship with my father. He wasn’t always there, he was with his other family when not with me (they are also my family, it just always felt like two). But he was still always mine. He would always be there for me, I could go to him if I needed anything, but there has also always been quite a bit of distance between us. Even to this day.

I don’t want to avoid dating anymore. I have done that for most of my life! Being wrapped up in a boy who didn’t want me instead of focusing on bigger and better things. I don’t regret anything, I just want to discover more of myself and for some god damn reason this seems like the move I need to make to do that. And I’ve followed that feeling this far. It got me to go to college when I didn’t think I could, to change my degree to philosophy after my third year, and to move to Denver in a pandemic. The last two might not sound like good ideas but all three of those things were some of the best things that have ever happened to me. That I have made happen.

I will endure each and every rejection with more grace than the last. I will recognize unhealthy behavior and focus on that which serves me. And no matter what happens, I will know I am pushing myself to be more than I was yesterday (fuck that’s cheesy but damn I meant it).