Fuck but Don’t Touch

So, I'm three dates down (well... two) and I can confidently say that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

A quick recap for those new and those lost... I just moved to a new city (which I have yet to mention actually) and I have started trying to date! It feels like a very new thing because I'm from a pretty small town where the dating pool is also small and just weird so I feel like I can actually date here without the whole town being all up in my business. Along with that, I am intensely fascinated by relationships, human behavior, communication, and (fuck me) love. For the last two years, I have spent a significant amount of time learning about attachment styles and have been working to become more aware of my own dating and behavioral patterns.

To try and simplify what I've learned from my research and reflections, basically, on a scale of insecure to secure, our attachment style is directly correlated to our self-esteem, and both are heavily influenced by our childhood. Specifically, our relationships (or lack thereof) with our caregivers. The ways in which our childhood relationships impacted us then and continue to do so today are extremely convoluted, but I would like to say that everyone has a complicated and rich backstory, and that story very much so makes us who we are, whether we deny that part of ourselves or not. Anyway, I came across Attachment Theory and made it the centerpiece of my senior thesis project as a Philosophy major, exploring the idea of what it means to be in a “healthy” relationship. At the time, I really identified with having painfully low self-esteem and noticed myself breaking my own heart over and over. I since have found and lot of growth and healing as I have continued to learn more about the theory and residually, myself.

I still have a lot to learn, but rather than avoiding dating altogether because I feel like I'm bad at it, I want to practice. In doing so, I not only hope to develop healthier dating habits but also a better sense of self in general. That term is extremely general, but to me, that covers self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, self-confidence, self-efficacy, social skills, thicker skin when dealing with rejection, and probably more.

This is extremely uncomfortable and counterintuitive to me so if it is to you, too, you're not alone. I feel like this has the potential to be incredibly effective in either building me up or breaking me the fuck down- my dating habits for sure aren't great yet- but with the way I feel right now, I think there is greater potential for me to actually get something out of it rather than not. Even if it's multiple broken hearts I experience in the process.

OKAY, YOU ARE STILL NOT CAUGHT UP AT ALL you see I've gone on three (two) dates now. Date 1: so fucking cute and funny and had a dog but ultimately he ghosted around the holidays and ya know, I know it's for the best (these bitches do not deserve pussy!). Date 2: the non-date date. He did not show up for Taco Tuesday but again, it was ultimately for the best. I ended up having a great night with some stranger gals I met at the restaurant. OKAY YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH CAUGHT UP NOW but there is more info. in my previous posts if you are curious to know more.

Now, the moment you all have been waiting for... date mothafuckin' 3!

Good news... he showed up. He was also cute (real cute) and he's a decent shit talker which gives me a massive boner. We also have plans for a second date! And I have yet to go on a second date since this little experiment started so that's, uhh, something. To be honest, I'm incredibly nervous. I haven't made it to second date territory yet, and I am fucking horny but am also not ready to fuck. The date is strategically planned for a weekday when I have to work in the morning so I have to get home relatively early because I like sleep. I really want to get laid but also, I know I'm a fragile bitch who isn't tryna get involved in anything serious. Not that he wants anything serious, I actually know I tend to go for the more avoidant type so that's pretty unlikely. I'm just trying to take things slow with everyone because I don't want to hurt myself. It's hard because the number of times I've already imagined #3's long, sexy fingers sliding inside me is actually distracting but I guess I do want more than a one-night stand. I at least want to hang out more to see if I actually want to fuck him at all to begin with or if anything long and hard will do. Honestly, I should probably start with a long and hard thing that doesn't have a heart that beats in its dick. I've always been a sucker for beating hearts. Which is honestly probably my downfall. You have a pulse? How sweet of you.

What follows I have written about before, even a little in this post, but I need to explore the topic of what I actually want out of dating. For myself. Just to make sure I'm keeping my head on straight.

As I said, I want to develop healthier dating patterns, a healthier sense of self, and I do not want one-night stands nor a monogamous relationship at this time. Is the enough to actually define what I want? For some reason I feel like there's still a lot of room to get lost in the sauce here. I also, ahhh, I don't know if I have the capacity to sleep with more than one person at a time. Not like threesome style, that would be tight, but like, actually having more than one person and actively sleeping with them separately. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't even dated more than one person yet. I'm trying to talk to multiple guys but that is also hard. So far, the communication with each guy I've tried going out with has fizzled out before I go on a date with the next. I think something I would like to try and do is at least date more than one person at once. Being entirely open and honest, of course. I just really don't want to keep my eyes on a single guy, putting them on a pedestal when really, I'm the prize. My dad even says so.

I'm totally fucking kidding, that's actually a line I got from the Girls Gotta Eat podcast which has been an incredible learning tool when it comes to this topic. I'm not the prize because my dad or anybody else says so. I'm the prize because I fucking care, I put in work, I am actively participating in embracing the best parts of myself and in becoming the best version of me. All while still loving and respecting the painful parts that also exist in me. I am owning who the fuck I am and showing up for me. That's why I'm a prize. And that... has been one of the greatest shifts I have felt so far in my journey. I am mine (thank you Matthew Hussey via GGE for helping me see that 🙏).

Okay, we're back on track. I want to date. Casually. Respectfully. Sexually. Experientially. I don't fucking know but I'll probably figure it out more as I go. I guess for now I'm not coming up with anything more concrete than that. I think it might be enough to stay on track, though. For now at least.

If you actually made it this far, I'm impressed. Thanks for reading. Until next time.

-M

PS: happy first new moon of 2021! Sun and moon in Capricorn. A great day to plan and set intensions this lunar cycle and the year <3