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Local Man Realizes All of the Important Decisions in His Life Made While Sitting On Toilet

by Everyday Junglist 2 months ago in satire
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Nothing Eventful Ever Happened When Standing to Flush

Definitely not Ted's toilet. Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

While sitting on the toilet this morning delivering a rather large Macaroni Grill inspired number 2 local man Ted Stephens realized all of the important decisions of his life had been made from this exact same position. The visibly straining Mr. Stephens said of this striking realization "I've always been very regular when it comes to toilet matters. For almost ten years now, every Sunday morning before church at Saint Michael's I have dropped the kids off at the pool, if you know what I mean. Usually, the time passes by uneventfully with me reading the Sunday Times or doing a crossword puzzle. However, this Sunday as I sat grunting and waiting impatiently for the movement of my bowels which would signal the final release of the massive chunk of fecal matter from my formerly clogged colon, I realized something. All of the most important decisions in my life to this point had been made from this exact same position. This includes my decision on where to attend college, what to major in, and what job to take when I graduated. Also, the last three cars I have bought, the decision to purchase the house me and Jane (current wife Jane Stephens) still live in ten years later, and the decision to try and have children. Of course, not all the decisions were right, or very good really. For example, I also had the bright idea to propose to my former wife Lan-lan (Laura) while sweating profusely and groaning loudly attempting to clear a rather large build up of brown mashed potatoes from dinner at Chili's the night before. She later left me for that snake in the grass and former best friend Jimmi (Jim Currant). I definitely took a hell of a dump that day." said Mr. Stephens as a look of sadness and regret crossed his face. With that Mr. Stephens stood, wiped his ass three times, flushed the toilet, closed the lid, turned and walked away.

THE END.

And now, another word filler bonus article brought to you by Vocal's absurd and stupid 600 word count minimum policy.

Harry Hates Helmets

Had Harry had his heart hurt? Hell. He had?

He had his hip hurt.

He had hurt his hip helping his hippo hide.

Hippos! Hah!

How Harry hurt hip? He hurt his hand.

His hand? He hurt his hand helping his hornfrog hop headfirst home

Heck, Harry hurts himself hourly.

He hurts himself, however he has history. His history has him hating helmets. Hating helmets? Huh?

Harry hates helmets. He hates helmets, has hated helmets, hopes helmets hear his hate.

THE END.

And one more as still not quite there.

What Amy Did

You hear what Amy did?

Amy ate all Ashley’s apples. Ate Ashley’s apples and ate additional aluminum argots and American art

Ate American art? Ate aluminum argots? Amy asshole. Amy act all asslike, all asanine, all Andyish.

Andyish?

Andy always ate Amy’s apples and acted asinine. Always.

Acting asanine and apple accosting added Andy an area asshole award.

Alright Andy! Award, Awesome.

Andy alright.

I’m not sure I understand. So Amy was an asshole for eating Ashley’s apples.

All of a sudden Andy does the same damn thing, he gets a fucking award.

Talk about double standards.

What’s an aluminum argot?

An argot is a language that is specific to a certain group. For instance pilots have a shared argot, and so do police and firefighters. Metalworkers do as well. Oddly enough the men and women of the aluminum industry have a highly developed and extensive argot. Thus the term aluminum argot Essentially meant to imply having a well developed shared language specific to a group, but not just any old shared language. That would just be an argot. It is really a compliment. So how could you eat that? Eat a compliment? It is a figure of speech. A turn of phrase, an idiom, a maxim, a highly stylised representational form of a definition implying that one could (beat, overcome, destroy) their enemy by eating (destroying) their shared language.

Basically an English majors put down fight taunt . On the playground little Johnnie from the local prep school points and laughs at Timmy from the other prep school. As he laughs he says, Timmy I could eat your aluminum argot anytime, anyplace, anywhere. So Timmy starts balling because he’s a big baby. I mean he is ten years old but still sleeps with a nightlight and sucks his thumb. Plus he wets the bed two or three times a month still. His parents are taking him to the best doctors in town but the stupid psych doctor tries to tell them it’s normal behavior. Well Tim’s dad is not having that shit. If he acted like that when he was a kid his dad would have whupped him so hard with a belt he wouldn’t have been able to sit for weeks. And his dad did whup him, with a belt and a chain. The emotional scars drove him to become the bitter, angry, alcoholic he is today.

Of course he beats Tim’s mom when he’s drunk.

Which is every night.

Ironically this is the cause of Timmy’s bed wetting problem.

Anyway, the eat aluminum argot crack made him cry like a baby. His dad caught him balling and put his lit cigarette out on the back of his head.

This only caused Timmy to cry even harder. His dad was really angry now, and really drunk. It just wasn’t as fun beating on Timmy as it was beating on his wife. He broke three of her ribs that night. Poor Timmy, looks like he really does eat aluminum argot.

Brought to to you by our good friends at Alcoa — The aluminum company. When you think aluminum you think Alcoa, and foil, we know you definitely think of aluminum foil when you think aluminum, everybody does. That and soda/beer cans.

satire

About the author

Everyday Junglist

Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado.

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