Limed

I was tagged by Oneg to participate in James & Oneg's Tag You're it Challenge.

Challenge rules: "Pick a Vocal community and tag/nominate another writer to write a poem or 100-word micro fic about it BUT you only have 15 minutes to write!"

*I was assigned the Filthy Community.

**I spent more than 15 minutes on this and it is more than 100 words. Witness my failure below. 🤣

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Declan and his roommate are at the supermarket buying some Coronas and limes for a party. Declan notices a beautiful young coed in the produce section. She is staring off into space while casually feeling up some avocados.

His roommate returns to the cart, holding the bag of fruit aloft. “Got the limes!”

“Shh, Josh. Check this out. Look at how she’s fondling these avocados. I think she knows her way around a man’s sack. Probably loves diddling the hardy boys while she’s giving blowjobs.” He snickers.

“Maybe she’s just trying to make a healthy snack.”

“Nah, man. She’s horny as hell.”

The young woman makes her way over to the zucchini.

“Oh, damn! You see this?”

Her hand gently strokes the green vegetable, then continues to fondle everything: kiwis, bananas, you name it!

The boys whisper while observing her, making crude gestures, and egging each other on.

The woman stops what she’s doing, tucks her basket under one arm, then pulls something out of her pocket. It’s a folded white stick that, as it unfolds, expands all the way to the ground. She slides the stick back and forth across the polished concrete as she makes her way towards them.

Declan freezes and stammers. “I’m sorry, we didn’t know you were blind.”

“Funny thing about us blind girls…We have excellent hearing.”

“You mean you heard all that?”

She laughs. “Yeah, I heard you guys somewhere between the mangoes and the cantaloupes. I hear you’re having a party.”

“Yeah…Um, you wanna come?”

She laughs again, louder this time. “No. You guys seem like real assholes.”

This was fun. I never thought I’d write something for the Filthy community. It’s not exactly erotica, but I think it fits. A 100 word erotica sounds like a real tease. 🤣 I drew inspiration from my stand up comedy days instead.

I tagged Oneg to write something for the Wander community. 😊

This one was great and it’s a genuine 100 word microfiction, unlike mine.

Because I have a 600 word count to fill, here’s a behind the scenes look at the making of ‘Limed.’

Me: Hon, I need a funny word for ‘balls.’ Can you help me out?

Husband: (Looks up from his video game) I donno, ‘sack?’

Me: I already used ‘sack.’ (Rattles off a list of 20 or so slang terms from an alphabetical list I found online) Bollocks, cojones, family jewels, nads - What about ‘nads?’

Husband: Nobody says that anymore. What’s the context?

Me: It’s a couple of annoying bros referring to their balls while harassing a blind girl.

Husband: It should be really stupid then.

Me: What about ‘The Hardy Boys?’

Husband: Yeah, sure. They can solve mysteries…I think. I never read those books.

Me: Me either, but a guy calling his balls ‘The Hardy Boys’ is so stupid. I love it…Wait! (Enters Google search for “How many Hardy Boys?”) Yes, okay! There were two!

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Here’s a completely unrelated side note, but it’s where I got the name ‘Declan.’ My husband and I just watched this insane Irish comedy. If you don’t mind ‘crass’ humor, very thick accents, low budget special effects, and a bit of blood, check this one out.