Journal Entry: Mon. Feb. 7th 2022

Monday February 7th 2022

I have the weirdest dream in the middle of the night about a Gladiatorial Arena where all the gladiators are butt naked with razor blades attached to their penises. It's a bloodbath.

I wake at 6:00 AM with Shelby, my girlfriend. She goes to work, and I contemplate my existence for forty-five minutes while Loki, our cat, meows at me. I finally get up and do our laundry. As per usual people have just left their stuff inside the machines, so I have to work around it. Sometimes people leave their stuff in the dryer for a week, and I have to move it. I really don't understand this discourtesy. They leave their clothes, wet, in the washer too for hours, sometimes days, which is the case here. Gross. I can't wait to get in-unit laundry some day. I also spend an unfortunate amount reloading the card here at this apartment complex. I think I spend about $15 a week on Laundry. Something like 40 some dollars a month.

I make a Z's Divine Espresso Bali H'ai Light/Med Coffee in my mustache mug and work on journaling.

I start uploading to Fansly and go to switch the clothes to the dryer. I come back, and at 8 AM Java Junkies – Bones Kenya is released on YouTube on the Scott Vancil channel, so I post that on every social media site.

I go to pick up our clothes and mine are fine, but, because of the dude who left their clothes in the washer, I had to take Shelby's upstairs and wash them, and it turns out the dryer did not work properly, so I had to take her clothes back down wet and dry them in the first level dryer. I cannot WAIT for in-unit laundry. Rewashing clothes and redrying clothes always makes me spend twice as much (sometimes 20 to 30 dollars) a week.

I post a poem on OnlyFans and make another cup of coffee. While my Z's coffee brews I change the water in Loki's Cat Fountain. I'm looking up portable mini-washers and dryers, because I'm fed up. I have an English Muffin with Vegan Butter to go with my coffee. Just a little snack for something in my stomach this early.

I pick up Shelby's clothes from the dryer and promote my Fansly, OnlyFans, and Patreon on social media. After, I post new content to Patreon: Java Junkies; an Italian Sonnet; and an episode of Poetry Dram, where I read poetry and drink whiskey, released to Patreon a month early.

I do the dishes with our freshly washed reusable sponge, as I listen to Von Kaiser's Landline album on Spotify. I don't love it as much as the Ghosts of Miami album, but it's still the tits.

I shower with an apple cider vinegar, 2-n-1, Head and Shoulders Shampoo/Conditioner, because they were out of green apple scent. I use a bar of soap called Man Bar that smells like Taco Bell's meat seasoning. I then smother myself with body wash: Pomegranate and Mango. After rinsing I rinse my hair. I dry and comb my red beard with its elegant white streaks. While in the shower my thoughts turn to when I was a child, early elementary school or preschool. My dad took me to a friend's house out in the country. The adults talked outside, while I hung out with the little blonde girl. She kept talking about sex and asking if I'd done it. I said no. She took me into her living room and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I saw they had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and got excited. She put it on and as the movie progressed she began to take off her clothes. She stripped off her shirt. I tried not to look at her.

"Am I pretty?"

"No?" I was unsure.

"No?!" she gasped, incredulous.

"I don't know. I just wanna watch the movie."

I think upon this moment every now and then and how uncomfortable it was. She kissed me goodbye in front of my dad. I was mortified.

I try again to mobile deposit a check. This time it miraculously works, but I'm still starting a new bank her in California.

I put on my Daredevil shirt and jeans and eat: a spinach salad, with Balsamic Vinaigrette, black pepper, and red cayenne pepper; carrots; a handful of raw almonds; a banana; a mandarin orange; and roasted, salted pistachios. As I feast, I watch the newest episode of The Whiskey Vault on YouTube. Then I head to the SSA Office to drop off my packet, because I'm worried it won't get there in the mail in time. I take a Lyft to get there. As he is arriving a car in the merging lane just stops and honks, so that the Lyft who was yielding for the merge couldn't get over. I wish people weren't so stupid. If he would just go forward they could both get over. I almost have an anxiety attack on the way there. I can barely breathe and feel a writhing in my head and arms and pressure in my chest. Electricity all over.

I get to the Social Security office, my Lyft leaves, and I discover the door is locked! Tell me I did not just pay for a Lyft for nothing. I called first, but it kept saying busy. I pulled at the door, and a security officer opened it and asked if I was just dropping something off. I said yes, and he indicated I should put it in a basket he kicked over to me. I did and turned about to say thank you, when the officer grumpily growled, 'You're welcome,' first. I take another Lyft home. Cheaper this time. I would have taken the bus, but I think it costs again and I don't have any change. And I was worried I would be too late.

When I get home I give Loki some pettins'. I make an organic Kukicha Green Tea from Aichi Prefecture, Japan that I got from Mana Tea Bar in Lawrence, Kansas. LFK! Rock Chalk! 172 degrees Fahrenheit and steeping for 2 minutes in my Mike Wazowski mug. I have myself a seat with my hot tea and do some journaling. The tea calms me down. I can breathe.

I pick up my current book, 'Howard Kazanjian: A Producer's Life – from Hitchcock and Peckinpah to Spielberg and Lucas: 50 Years of Collaboration,' and read chapter four.

Later I brew another mug of Kukicha using the same leaves but at five minutes this time. I turn on Netflix and watch Season 7, Episode 5 of DC CW'sThe Flash, entitled, 'Fear Me.' I think both Flash and Supergirl peaked in season 4. Season 4 had the best villains, stories, and episodes. After that they both steadily went downhill and I lost interest. I think all of the Arrowverse peaked at Crisis on Infinite Earths. That was like the ultimate story and then where do we go from there? Apparently nowhere interesting. I still like all of the Arrowverse shows for the most part. Black Lightning Seasons 1, 2, and 4 were the only ones I really didn't like at all. And Batwoman season 1 until episode 15. Then it got really good, but then Ruby Rose left and the pandemic happened, so they didn't get to finish properly. Batwoman season 2 is alright so far. Not my favorite though. My absolute favorite Arrowverse show is Legends of Tomorrow. It's so great. I'm not loving the current season I'm watching with the Aliens though.

I used to work at Burbank Studios where the writers and SFX people work on the DC CW shows. My favorite part of the job (Pretty much the only good part of the job) was walking down those halls where they make the magic and looking at all their cool posters. I would go by the casting office and just dream of being in there one day auditioning for the CW.

The next episode (S7, Ep 6), 'The One with the Nineties,' is a little more interesting so far. After it finishes, I make a smoothie and eat: carrots; vegan, pepperjack cheese; raw almonds; and pistachios.

After a tad bit of masturbating I researched compact washers and dryers. I'm definitely getting one if we have the space and can afford it. But we do not have the space and can't afford it right now.

Brushed my teeth, reset my palate, and made a cup of Z's coffee in my green and blue Z's Divine Espresso mug. I was reminded of high school by a meme today, and I cannot fathom why one would return for one's high school reunion. Like do I want to go back to relive a terrible time in my life, to be reminded of a lot of things I've finally forgotten due to the cursed blessing of having a terrible memory due to mental health issues, and be around all of those people that made my life worse? Does that sound like fun? No.

Also it depends on where you live but for me: It's me leaving what comparatively is a safe haven for a far-right hellscape where most of the students were Trump supporters and even more don't think I should exist, and many of whom would be willing to express that viewpoint through violence. I realized today that I'm still a member of my reunion Facebook group even though I didn't go. I removed myself from the group. Never gonna go. Literally every girl and half of the guys become living pyramid schemes anyway. I only have a few left as Facebook Friends. I don't really use Facebook much anyway.

Listening to Von Kaiser's Animals album while I surf social media and post soggy nothings. It occurs to me that if teenage me could see how often I use email now they'd be baffled. My first email was Hotmail, and I never used it. Eventually they deleted my account. I'm guessing that was somewhere around 90-00? First email account I used, but barely, was 2002 I think. I don't think I really used email at all except to sign up for porn sites until college. Email had no real use until I was a somewhat functional adult. Now it's like absolutely necessary to function in the world. I have about 5 different emails for various businesses and organizing now. Wild how times have changed.

I have bladder problems. Granted, I do consume a buttload of caffeine every day, but I pee about every fifteen minutes. It's really inconvenient especially if I'm on set. I never don't have to go to the bathroom. It always feels semi-full. Maybe I have cancer or some shit. Never gonna see a doctor though, because I don't have money or insurance. The sucky thing is if I ever got insurance it would kick me off of the medication assistance I receive now and my meds would be so expensive I couldn't afford them. They are about 1600 a month. That's how much I pay in rent for my shitty studio apartment in LA.

Shelby stopped by the grocery store on her way home and got everything except frozen blueberries and hot sauce. She got us pretzels, but she's on a juice cleanse, so we can't eat them yet.

We head out to Mission Wine & Spirits. I want to pick up a Rum Cask Balcones Whisky, but when we get there they tell us today they are cash only as Spectrum decided to crap out. So we go to BevMo in Studio City and I pick up a Glenlivet 12 Illicit Still and some Dragonsmilk Bourbon Barrel-Aged Stout.

We go home and watch the rest of Romancing the Stone as I drink a Dragonsmilk. Then I make a sandwich. English Muffin, Tofurkey, Veganaise, Smoked Vegan Gouda, Spinach, and Hot Sauce. It was so good. I make a Sodastream cola with it. Then we break down and half the pretzels with vegan queso. So good. We watch Figure Skating on the Olympics in Beijing for awhile, feeling like an old couple. I have a Sonic Ocean Water Hard Seltzer, and Shelby and I watch the latest episode of How I Met Your Father.

Then bed.

That's it.

More work and writing tomorrow.

That's Monday February 7th, 2022.