Is There Any Coming Your Way? I was raised as a Catholic, but now I'm a sexist.

Carolyn is 27 years old.

Overall sex quality: 8/10

9/10 for sex with myself, 2/10 for sex with others

9/10 in terms of intimacy

How do you feel about the persons you fuck in general: 7/10

How satisfied are you with the amount of sex time you have: 5/10

Hello, Carolyn! What prompted you to award a five for sex frequency?

Carolyn: Because I'm self-employed and work globally, I'm constantly working odd hours and on weekends. I have very little time to really meet someone to have sex with, especially since I'm demi-sexual [only experiencing attraction when there is an emotional bond], so my attraction experience is extremely different. I don't like bringing strangers into my area because I don't know them well.

When was the last time you had a sexual encounter with another person?

For example, January is a relatively long month for me. Despite being demi, I have a rather high sex drive, thus I enjoy having regular intimate encounters with others. But it's been an odd period. We've had a really tight lockdown in Melbourne, Australia, so it's been difficult to meet people and form long-term relationships. We're all pretty busy right now since everything is going on and it's very exciting.

Tell me about the dildo that's growing on your windowsill.

It normally resides on top of my toilet, alongside a plant and an empty wine bottle inside which I've placed a candle. I'll just throw it in weird places now and then. One of my buddies once put it in the refrigerator. It drifts around from time to time. During one of the lockdowns, [my friend] and I would throw it at the wall and see if it would stick – it was a lot of fun.

So it caters to all sorts of entertainment.

It's purely decorative. It's just something I like to keep around since it's a fantastic discussion starter. We're probably not going to get along if someone walks into my area and has an issue with it being there. This is a sex-inclusive environment.

What would you say your sex drive is like?

It's in a constant state of change. I can easily keep up with a partner that is into having sex all the time or being extremely intimate. Last year, someone I was dating didn't have the same level of sex drive as me - maybe once a week - but that was fine with me. My sex drive is completely dependent on my menstrual cycle, so there are a few weeks out of the month when it's very strong, and then it fades away.

When you meet the folks you sleep with, how do you normally meet them?

A lot of the time, it's through work. That way, I always meet a lot of new individuals, which I enjoy. Prior to COVID, dating apps played a significant role in my dating life. Between 2015 and 2017, dating apps were fantastic for me as someone who has been dating and largely single since 2015. Then they went completely insane for a while, and then there was a resurgence of dating apps. Prior joining COVID, I was constantly on the move. When you're staying in hostels and living out of a backpack, you'll encounter an endless number of people.

Is it simpler for you to form an emotional bond with someone you meet in person versus someone you meet on a dating app?

Both yes and no. I have a hard time reading other people and determining how much of a connection they want or feel towards me; I'm also so self-conscious that I never anticipate anyone to find me beautiful. That kind of thing is eliminated with dating apps because when you match with someone, you already know you find each other attractive. Not having to worry about it has given me more confidence and allowed me to focus on how I feel about others and whether or not I am attracted to them without ignoring my own sentiments.

That's largely due to a toxic relationship I had when I was young, which tainted my sense of self-worth and the way I approach intimacy with others.

Have you always had the same sex-positive attitude as you do now?

I was raised as a devout Catholic. I didn't go to a rigorous school, but I did go to a Catholic school, so everyone around me had a highly religious perspective on sex. It was never about self-pleasure or self-experimentation in my sex education, which was extremely biological. The only piece of sex advice I received was to have it with someone you love, which I don't think is good advice for a variety of reasons. I'm queer as well, but heteronormative sex has always been the standard for me. I didn't fully comprehend masturbation as a child, and I didn't have orgasm from masturbation until I was 23 years old.

Have you ever had an orgasm with another person before?

My first serious relationship lasted five years, and because it was so poisonous, I never had an orgasm throughout that period. It ended when I was almost 21; a lot of the poison in that relationship stemmed from making me feel like I wasn't good at sex in order to keep me in it, as in, 'You're not good at this, and no one else would want you.' That was a significant piece of rhetoric in the relationship. After that, I did a lot of sexual experimenting, both alone and with other people, to figure out what I loved.

How long did it take you to unlearn everything from your prior relationship?

It was similar to what a lot of young individuals go through after they break up with their partners, such as going insane [with dating and sex]... However, it was from a patriarchal perspective. I was so worried about being regarded as hot and attractive to men. It was completely draining. After that, I did a lot of sexual experimenting, both alone and with other people, to figure out what I loved.

How long did it take you to unlearn everything from your prior relationship?

It was similar to what a lot of young individuals go through after they break up with their partners, such as going insane [with dating and sex]... However, it was from a patriarchal perspective. I was so worried about being regarded as hot and attractive to men. It was completely draining.

So the first step was figuring out that I truly enjoy sex - it was just that I wasn't enjoying it because I was being physically and emotionally abused. The second stage was to realize what I like and that other people like it when I do certain things to them, and I gradually gained confidence in that area. You pick up on different things. For example, I soon learned that if I'm lonely, I shouldn't have sex with someone; it won't fix the problem, but it will exacerbate it.

Were there many ups and downs throughout the process?

I'd make great connections and have interesting conversations with individuals, but after we'd had sex, they'd treat me like a sexual object. It happened to fall during a period in my life when I was traveling, so I couldn't have sexy lingerie or any of the other things we do to keep up with the male gaze. I ended up having much better interactions with others and felt much more gratified in intimate circumstances.

What's it like to balance the things you appreciate while simultaneously leaning towards the masculine gaze?

It's still a lot of fun to dress up. I believe that after I realized I didn't want to be treated like a sex object, I went too far in the opposite direction. However, there is a performative side to sex that I enjoy, such as sexting and building anticipation. It's all about doing things because you want to, not because you feel obligated to.

According to a study published in the British Medical Journal, our generation had less sex than previous generations. What are your thoughts on this?

I believe our relationship with sex has evolved to the point where it is no longer a bodily manifestation... Sex is no longer just about being physically close to someone. You may have sex over the phone, via video, or by sharing photographs and browsing the internet for porn. I believe we simply find new methods to channel the behaviors. Although access to sex is certainly easier than it formerly was, this does not imply that individuals are having more of it.

I was raised in a religious household, therefore I'm curious how your sex-positivity and Catholic upbringing come together.

I'm not allowed to discuss it with my parents. I used to lie all the time about where I was when I lived with them, and my mother found me lying when I was about 25. Do you want me to inform you that I'm off having sex at this vegan guy's house? That is not something you want to hear. I haven't told my parents yet; instead, I want to email them a link to this piece.

The length and clarity of this interview have been altered.