I Did Not Agree to You Riding Me Bareback

“Stealthing is when a man removes a condom during sex despite agreeing to wear one so he can cum inside the other person without their knowledge. “— Urban Dictionary

I was mentoring a management team when, at the end of the group session, a female manager requested a personal meeting with me. We set up a one-on-one Zoom meeting.

At that meeting, she asked if I had seen a new HBO show, “I May Destroy You”. I had not. This elicited an awkward silence.

I asked if I needed to go watch the series. She said that I could watch a particular episode after our conversation. She sought my advice about stealthing.

What is Stealthing?

“Stealthing is when a man removes a condom during sex despite agreeing to wear one so he can cum inside the other person without their knowledge.” Urban Dictionary

She told me stealthing had occurred with her live-in boyfriend of two years. They had sex many times before but the last time, her partner removed the condom during sex. She had not realized he had gone “bareback” until the end.

Worst, when confronted, he acted like it was no big deal.

She felt violated and angry. His action shattered her trust and violated her autonomy and her body. Since the incident, she has not had sex with him afraid that he would remove the condom again. The stealthy removal of the condom affected her trust in him.

Why Stealth?

Men remove their condoms on purpose. Stealthing is a violation. Stealthing is used to assert power over another.

“One can note that proponents of ‘stealthing’ root their support in an ideology of male supremacy in which violence is a man’s natural right.” Alexandra Brodsky

Consequences of Stealthing

Consensual sex is a contract between two (or more) people. They agree and set the terms of their encounter. If those terms include a condom, then it is more than misuse for the man to not wear the agreed-upon condom. It is an assault.

Physical consequences include unwanted pregnancy or sexual disease transmission.

Emotional consequences include psychological distress, anger, and feelings of violation.

My client told her best friend, a gay man, about her boyfriend secretly removing the condom. Her friend admitted stealthing had happened to him. It was his first time with the gentleman, whom he never saw again.

Her friend was shocked that her long-time love had committed such a grievous act. He advised her she would need to confront him about his behavior.

She wanted the opinion of a woman. I concurred with the direction she was considering.

How to Avoid Being Stealthed

There is no simple solution to this problem. Communication is key.

Consensual sex with a condom turns into non-consensual sex without the condom.

Alexandra Brodsky published a well-researched paper about stealthing in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law. The paper was: 'Rape-Adjacent': Imagining Legal Responses to Nonconsensual Condom Removal

The people interviewed by Brodsky described feeling violated, powerless, and confused about whether they had experienced a sexual assault.

When preparing for intercourse “Are you a sneaky bastard?” is not a sexy question. Nevertheless, the discussion of condom usage should always take place before sex.

Condoms must be broached if a condom is one of your or your partner's requirements. It must be clarified that a condom is expected before any serious physical contact is begun. This discussion should occur with clothing on.

The ‘I May Destroy You’ Relevance

After our conversation, I watched the episode of ‘I May Destroy You’ that my client referenced. I found the show to be a funny, uncomfortable exploration of sexual consent and what it means to date in 2020.

In particular, the episode emphasized the ambiguity of the action of stealthing. Is secretly removing a condom during sex a sexual assault or not? That question remains one that can be answered in any way.

I went back to and watched the existing episodes. The show premiered on HBO in June 2020.

There are parts of the show that were shocking but when I thought about the world of sexual relationships today, they were relevant. Stealthing was only one manifestation of the complexity of sexual consent.

What Else Can You Do?

If the evening proceeds well, the easiest action is to check for the condom before allowing sexual intercourse to proceed.

Use your hand to verify that the implement is wrapped up. You can do so under the auspicious of stroking and/or guiding the penis. If it is not wrapped, do not proceed. Instead, give his balls a gentle squeeze and gently whisper, “Where is that condom? Let me help you put it on.”

Unfortunately, once it is determined that you are dealing with a condom stealthing cheater, check many times while having sex because the person could slip the condom off in the middle.

The sex can be ended as the social contract has been broken. Your call.

The best that any person can do is protect themselves via clear communication and carefulness.

Good luck and be careful out there.

Originally published in medium.com - https://tonicrowewriter.medium.com/i-did-not-agree-to-you-riding-me-bareback-3114a995c197