I Chose The Wrong Dom and 24/7 House. Here's What Happened.
"...I still stumble with flashbacks and old memories of the sheer amount of hurt that I put myself through..."
Back in 2018, I was new to polyamory and BDSM as a lifestyle, not having fully experienced either in their entirety. Being the black sheep of the family, the rebellious kind who liked to know that she was intrinsically different from everyone else, I was drawn to these alternative lifestyles quite naturally. I then met a very handsome older man who stole my heart.
He was a Dom and, in the best way possible, a manipulative man, quickly introducing me to HIS entire world. Incorrectly, I clung to the inviting idea of having a new lifestyle, suddenly having something different that made me unique and interesting. So I followed along suit.
If I had known more about the BDSM and what living a polyamorous lifestyle truly means, would I have noticed all the red flags he was presenting to me?
Naturally, drunk on the idea of my newfound uniqueness (not to mention him, and the whiskey), I enthusiastically learned all the jobs, responsibilities, mannerisms and attitudes that are expected of a full-time submissive in the household. I made like a starving human, shoveling all the knowledge into my mouth like it was gifted food. I clung to the idea that this was who I was, and that this was what I wanted. In the VERY back of my mind, I feel like I knew that this was far from my ideal situation, and far from my ideal partner – ideas that would hit me like a brick wall two years later.
I held doors open for those superior to me, presented food and drink, assisted in hosting parties, washed him in the shower, sat at his feet, and patiently waited for attention instead of demanding it. I learned not to ask anything, that “No” was a word that should quickly be eradicated from my vocabulary, and that I would be yelled at if I did something that he deemed as hurtful to him or his way of life.
Looking back at how this relationship affected me, I realize how much of myself I had stripped away and replaced with the correct attitudes, putting myself in survival mode and rolling with the punches. I was trapped in this relationship at the time, since, in my perception, I didn’t have anywhere else I could go, I didn’t have a job that would lead to a fulfilling career, I didn’t have any friends outside of the kink community…but I had him. My depression was talking, and unfortunately, I listened.
Dear reader, this is not how a 24/7 household, or any D/s relationship for that matter, should go. As described by the title, this is simply my journey, and a story I've held onto for two years. I believe it is time to share it in hopes that I could properly educate someone who may be new to the scene and thinking about entering into such a relationship.
Here’s my only advice to you: Do your research first.
Find the answers to the following questions:
- What does the community say about this Dom/Master/Owner? Vet them properly.
- Do you know what impact play tools you actually enjoy? Take all the time you need to explore with someone you trust, and keep notes.
- Do you know what collaring, ownership and total control really are? Are you on the same page with your Partner about what they mean?
- In submission, where do you find true happiness?
- What can a Dominant partner give you to be the best version of yourself?
- Have you explored enough of the D/s world to commit to a 24/7 way of life?
- How well do you know yourself?
- What are your black-and-white limitations? What are your hard limits and your soft limits? Would you change your answer?
- What scares you about a BDSM relationship?
- What causes you to ‘bite your tongue’ or prohibits you from communicating properly?
- What do you need in ANY relationship to feel fulfilled, healthy, safe and secure?
- Do. You. Trust. This. Person?
Also know that if you decide incorrectly, you have the possibility of giving up the very essence of who you are to fulfill this coveted “BDSM life of your dreams.” Please entertain the idea that this could end very, very badly, and it will be you alone that will have to pick up the pieces of your broken submissive heart and mind.
Here are some more things I learned:
You have every right to say “no” on any occasion, at any time, and for any reason. Anyone that tells you that you can’t without a prior negotiation, contract or arrangement is going to hurt you.
If an action your Dominant is taking hurts you emotionally, and you know deep down that in even a regular, vanilla relationship, it would not be considered okay, then there IS, in fact, a problem. Do not try to convince yourself it’s okay when it’s not something you’ve agreed to.
If you cannot communicate that you feel uncomfortable with something, leading you to feel trapped, insecure, and like you don’t matter whatsoever, this is not working and you need to re-evaluate what you want out of your life.
Is it this easy? Hell no it’s not.
I’ll be the first to attest that this relationship, which lasted for the better part of two years, destroyed me so hard that it took an extra two years to truly put myself back together. And I still stumble with flashbacks and old memories of the sheer amount of hurt that I put myself through. The key part to all of this for me is that I let myself get so wrapped up in a relationship that I thought was going to somehow save me and my sanity, only to realize that the person I was giving my all to wasn’t a correct match for me on so many levels.
Was he a bad person? No, I don’t believe he was.
Was he hell-bent on my emotional destruction? No, he wasn’t, not at all.
Did he mean to cause me such pain? No, he really didn’t.
But he didn’t exactly apologize, either.
We were simply incompatible. I was new to the scene coming into the relationship with him, and didn’t have the necessary prior information to make a proper call about what kind of a role I fell into or what I wanted and needed out of a D/s relationship.
I threw myself off the deep end because I was excited and I thought this was who I am. It still is, I still hope to go to events and keep kink alive in my life, but I now know my red flags, how to play safely and what I’m truly looking for in a future partner. I've had amazing play partners, and even a romantic partner, since - it's how you pick yourself up that matters.
I just learned it all the hard way, but I mean, what else is really new.
I will, of course, continue to be writing on kink and BDSM (I still have WAY too many stories to tell all of you), but as I take a back seat in the kink world to truly work on myself and my own future, I will be continuing to venture out into other topics of articles. You might start seeing me in other communities like self-improvement, motivation, poetry, journaling, and I might even post some of my short stories in “Horror.”
Stay tuned for more content!
Love and light,
P.S. If YOU’RE reading this – thank you for the hurt, I needed the wake up call.