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How to Pick Up Girls

You probably need to read this if you expect to pick up girls like a pro.

By Filthy StaffPublished 8 years ago 13 min read
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There's more to life than meeting beautiful women, taking them out, and bringing them home to bed. But who cares about that? So why do some men have trouble picking up girls? Well, some men are shy and some have had repressive childhoods and feel guilty about sex. Now there is absolutely no reason to feel this way. Let's get this straight from the start—there's nothing wrong with lusting after women. If there was, God wouldn't have created women.

How to Pick Up Girls

First, let's look at two of the basic qualities of the model Casanova.

To be a successful lover, a man must be gentle, but strong. How strong? Well perhaps 50 press ups a day and running 20 miles a week is a good start, especially if you're going to take this seriously. Stamina, then, is vital.

If you are one of those men who is particular about who he takes home to bed, good vision is also very important. If you have poor vision, ask a friend along to act as a spotter. However, if you're not too discerning it probably won't matter all that much if you're blind as a bat, providing the object of your passion doesn't call herself Wayne, unless, of course, that was what you were looking for.

If you have both these qualities, we are ready to begin. You will need a little money also, but the amount depends on your skill. It is also worth noting that for certain professional people, sex is a legitimate business deduction and can be written off against taxes. Journalists (research), politicians (fact finding), and advertising executives (career training) are included in this group.

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

Your Appearance

You don't have to be Brad Pitt to attract girls... but it helps. Researchers have found that a man's social position and his sense of humor are more important to women than his physical attractiveness. So if you're the President of a tech company and you know some good one-liners, you can save a lot of money on toupees and plastic surgery.

A recent survey by a New York newspaper asked women what part of a man's anatomy they found most attractive. Surprisingly, rippling pectoral muscles and bulging biceps did not figure. The majority of the women surveyed said they were most turned on by men with small butts.

Okay, so you're in good physical shape, the host at the city's finest restaurant knows you by your first name, and wit flows from your tongue like honey. You undo a lot of the good you've done if you look like a slob. You need to look good, smell good.

It should be noted here that, as scent is a great aphrodisiac, an abundance of after-shave sprinkled liberally over the shirt and trousers is advisable. (Certain Hottentot tribesmen swear by putting a little dried semen behind each ear but this is not recommended if you are going to places such as discotheques, as it tends to run when you sweat.)

To sum up—remember the golden rule. Look good enough to eat and the chances are you will be.

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

Girls—Where to Find Them

Where does the novice lover go to find girls?

Hotels and clubs are obvious haunts, although there are many other places you may not even have considered. The beach or the supermarket, for instance. The art gallery is also a good place to pick up girls. For a start, it shows them you have culture and an eye for beauty. Find a girl you like and start chatting to her knowledgeably about Pisscarco, Vincent van Reubens, and the Indonesian painter, Salvador Bali.

Skiing holidays are also highly recommended, but remember not to ski. It is very difficult to be romantic with a broken pelvis.

Take up a sport. Try playing squash with a lady partner, squash up against her on a bus or a train and see how things work out.

Choosing the Right Girl

This is entirely a matter of taste; Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men like very big boned women, which is why God made some men in Italy. Men have differing views on what constitutes a perfect "10." For some it's a girl waist high with no teeth and a flat head you can rest you drink on. It depends.

It has been said that very pretty girls are over-rated as they tend to be vain and are passive in bed. This is totally irrelevant. The best advice is to approach the prettiest girl in the room and keep working your way down until you succeed, stopping when you reach the family dog.

Wives of other men should not necessarily be overlooked, but if they are noticeably pregnant it is not considered good idea to say: "I'll give you a call in a few months."

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

Types of Girls

Prickteasers: To be avoided at all costs. These girls are continually brushing crumbs off your trousers, even though you haven't eaten anything. Prickteasers are professional virgins who pretend to be nymphomaniacs. They live with their mothers and have periods every day of the year.

Modern Ms: Some of them will spout all sorts of loony feminist garbage, but don't let that put you off. They either work in advertising or publishing. Some of them just do it to get attention, but watch out for the hard-liners, who are really right-wing lesbians and will kick you in the crotch and yell rape if you offer them so much as a crisp. You'll finally end up as copy in Spare Rib and The Sun.

Models: These are the very beautiful girls you see on the television ads performing fellatio on chocolate bars. (On no account let one of these girls perform fellatio on you. They smile sensuously, bite down hard, then whisper: "Oh my God, I'm sorry—I thought it was as a power bar." Models, because they are very beautiful, can also be very vain. When they orgasm, they shout their own name.

Dumb Blondes: Blondes really do have more fun and so do the guys who go out with them. But watch out for the forgeries—some dumb blondes are just brunettes who decided to capitalize on their lack of intelligence and found that peroxide was cheaper than a lobotomy.

Trendoids: Have part-time jobs in big city boutiques or work weekends haunting dark clubs. Usually they dress like corpses or victims of a cave-in at a vintage clothing store. Watch out for fakes here as well; Real trendoids will always have more belts than earrings.

Sloanes: Are called either Georgina or Katrina, and wear silk scarves around their heads to stop their jaws falling open. They have all-over tans in the summer and goggle marks around their eyes in winter. They will always respond to "How about coming to the yacht club in daddy's Volvo?" Word of warning: first make sure daddy has a yacht club and a Volvo.

Nurses: The occupational hazard of having to endure narcissistic half-wit doctors all day makes them long for normal males when off duty. Nurses are naturally randy, but they do have the annoying habit of stopping during lovemaking to fluff the pillows and cannot hold anything without looking at their watches to time its pulse.

Divorcees: As with used cars it depends a great deal on how many miles are on the clock. However, they have the advantage of being fully run-in and they know their way round the block without too much steering.

Groupies: Hang around at rock concerts and pub gigs, and specialize in sleeping with rock singers. They are also notorious for keeping little mementos of their nights of passion to hang on the wall. Tell them you're Billy Idol and offer them a plaster cast; If you don't look like a rock star, invite them home to see your plaster cast of Adam Levine.

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

The Pick-Up

All right, so you've spotted the girl you like. First, try to catch her eye. Smile. Look interested. But don't get too carried away with this; Raising one laconic eyebrow creates the accompanying difficulty of trying to make the other eyebrow stay down. And there are some men who cannot wink without appearing spastic, or at best, mentally unstable.

What to say: The next thing is to go up to the girl, and talk to her. It really doesn't matter too much what you say. General topics of conversation are okay; her job, your job, travel, music, the movies... these are all fairly safe topics. Bear in mind that most women are not interested in the International Monetary Fund or fluctuations in the stock market.

There are only two things you absolutely must not say. They are: "Do you come here often?" and "Haven't I seen you some place before?" A compliment always breaks the ice, as long as it's a sincere one, and doesn't compare her lips to cherries, or apricots, or kiwifruit, or whatever. Don't get too poetic and refrain from telling her she has great tits. This never goes down well for some reason.

Certain subjects should be avoided:

  1. DO NOT ask her views on Donald Trump.
  2. DO NOT tell her the latest on herpes treatments.

Body Language for Picking Up Girls

Men and women convey many signals to each other in the courting display, and conversation is ofter superfluous to this. The expert Romeo is very adroit at picking up these displays of interest. This is called body language. Warm gestures show that the girl is receptive to you, cold gestures indicate that you are not making a good impression.

Warm gestures include: She looks into your eyes; She touches your hand; She smiles; She purses her lips; If you are in a restaurant, she leans towards you, deepening the V of her cleavage with her arms; She raises her eyebrows; She licks her lips often; She makes expressive hand gestures while speaking to you; and/or her pupils dilate.

Cold gestures include: She sneers; She cracks her knuckle joints and looks at her watch; She phones the police anonymously and implicates you in a recent bank robbery; If you are in a restaurant, she falls asleep at the table with her head dropping into the salad bowl; She flicks pieces of avocado cocktail at you; She drops her cigarette in your piña colada, she leaves you at your table and climbs out of the ladie's toilet window; She knees you in the groin, and/or her pupils glaze over.

Be sure to watch for any of these little signs.

Turning Her On

Experiments at Columbia University in New York have shown that emotional arousal is a great catalyst to sexual attraction. Researchers hired an attractive female to interview two groups of male students—one group in an office, and the other in the middle of a swaying suspension bridge, 100 meters above a rocky gorge. They found that the responses from the group on the bridge had a far higher sexual content than the others. From this they concluded that fear, danger and excitement brought about sexual arousal.

This is really only confirming what soldiers and men with sports cars have known all along. If you have a fast car take her for a drive down the highway at 100 mph during peak hour.

If you don't have a sports car, treat your Honda or Toyota like it is one. It's not the wheels that matter here, it's the speed and the danger. Just tell her to climb on the back, put her arms around your waist and hang on to the gearstick if she gets scared.

If you haven't got the car, seduce her on a suspension bridge. Or while her husband's out washing the car. Take her mountain climbing and pretend to push her off a cliff. One of these things is sure to get her adrenalin pumping and put her in the mood for love.

Taking Her Home

Okay, you have talked about her job as an aubergine tester with the Vegetable Marketing Board, she has made plenty of expressive hand gestures while speaking to you, and you have taken her for a ride. You might now like to suggest to the girl that she comes back to your place for a beverage, which is recognized in polite circles as an invitation to go to bed.

However, you might like to try a more direct approach and leave no room for ambiguity. Consider the following:

The Psychological Approach: You look the girl squarely in the eye and say: "I have this urgent desire to return to the womb. How about it?"

The Considerate Approach: "How about coming home with me and working off some pre-menstrual tension?"

The Aerobic Approach: You bounce up to the girl and say: "Gee, you look fit. How about coming home with me and exercising your vaginal muscles?"

The Smooth Approach (common among divorcees): "You might as well come home with me. Neither of us is getting any younger."

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

Where to Hook Up with Girls

Your place or her place are best, unless she lives with her psychopathic Russian boyfriend or you live in a tent near a state park.

If you must do it in a vehicle, buy a minivan or a used bus. Making love in a car is brief, mechanical and uncomfortable, and leads to undue wear and tear on the shock absorbers. It is possible to do it in a Porsche, but remember to stop the car first, or at least wear a seatbelt.

Another alternative is to take her sailing. There isn't a girl alive who doesn't enjoy going out on a boat and getting marooned overnight. This has a lot more class than running out of gas in the middle of the Atlantic. If you can't afford a boat, hire one. If you can't hire one, borrow one.

The Love Nest

If you are taking the girl home to your place, it is important to set the right mood for the seduction. Soft lights and romantic music are important. The Weeknd's Beauty Behind The Madness is highly recommended. Avoid trusting Pandora love stations.

Avoid having whips, cattle prods and leather underwear hanging around the walls. These can be disconcerting to a new amour, they may be introduced later on, when you have developed a deep, meaningful relationship.

Undressing the Girl

During the undressing stage, it is best not to appear clumsy or inexperienced. Bras have caused many men a lot of frustration and fumbling in their urgent desire to remove them. Practice is important.

Buy one at the market or appropriate one from your sister-in-law's laundry basket. Attach it to the fridge and then try unclasping it with one hand. When you have mastered that, you can progress to something a little more life-like; the family dog perhaps, or better still, a wet dolphin.

You will then be ready for the real thing. However, if you fail to master this it is perhaps a better idea to leave a small razor on the bedside table, and cut swiftly through the strap. She won't find out until morning and up till then she'll think you're a smooth operator. After that, the chances are she won't. Decide first whether you want to see the girl again.

A final word. In winter some girls wear layers. For the sake of politeness do not remark on anything up to six pairs of apparent lingerie.

Bedroom Etiquette

Little things mean a lot. Don't leave your condoms out on the night stand by the bed. Refrain from carving a notch on the bedpost until after she's gone. Also bear in mind you won't be remembered as a great lover if you stop to put all your clothes in plastic and then hang them up...especially if you're in her car.

Other little hints that may prove useful: don't wear rubber gloves during foreplay, and if she asks you to kiss her where it smells, don't take her to the municipal dump.

Illustrated by Mark Tremlett

Internationally Pick Up Girls

For those of you who are thinking of travelling abroad in the near future, I have put together a guide to the girls of a few selected countries so that you can be prepared.

Mexico: The girls are all called Maria or Juanita, have skin the colour of taco shells and bandy legs (Mexican men always eat with their hats on). They do not generally respond to serenades, endearments whispered in Spanish, the offer of a bull's ear or a bouquet of red roses. Offer to get them an American passport and they're yours.

Italy: Italian women have crisp, jet black hair, which falls to their shoulders, and often starts again at their knees. Before marriage, Italian girls are more closely protected than the whale, and after marriage they get twice as big. If you want to make out with one, tell her you're Paolo Rossi or some other famous Italian. Not the Pope.

Australia: All Australian women are called Sheila and drink Fosters by the quart. In order to get away from Australian men, who all have massive beer guts and are more interested in the sheep anyway, they'll take just about anybody going. If you must sleep with an Australian, the best place to look is Earl's Court.

New Zealand:Kiwi girls have a slight aroma of wet wool, due to spending so much time in close proximity to sheep. The only difference between a New Zealand girl and a computer: you have to punch information into both of them, but with a computer you only have to do it once.

United States: American girls are loud, overbearing and aggressive. You do not have to worry about picking up American girls if they see you first.

Eastern Europe: Girls from behind the Iron Curtain are all called Olga or Agent 76, have hairy armpits and work for the KGB. This is a deadly combination and definitely not worth the trouble, especially since the Miss ComBloc contest (the communist version of Miss Universe) has ended in a scoreless draw for the last three years. The year before that it was won by Lech Walesa.

Israel: Israeli girls are all called Rachel or Sophie and either live on a kibbutz or are in the army reserve. Their brothers are all psychiatrists in New York and their fathers are all away liberating Lebanon. Be warned: they carry automatic weapons and have a natural aversion to anything with an olive complexion and a foreskin.

Final Hint

One final hint to every aspiring Romeo. Ask every woman you meet to go to bed with you. Treat every woman as a challenge. It's the 21st Century—man's last frontier. If you need extra advice in challenging this frontier, Eric Weber offers additional tips and tricks in How to Pick Up Girls.

Eric Weber presents the world's fastest, easiest way to meet new women in How to Pick Up Girls. This volume gives step by step instructions on how to meet beautiful women just about anywhere, regardless of your intellect, your financial status, or your appearance. Nationally advertised in Playboy, GQ, and Psychology Today, How to Pick Up Girls is bound to make your next escapade a success.

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About the Creator

Filthy Staff

A group of inappropriate, unconventional & disruptive professionals. Some are women, some are men, some are straight, some are gay. All are Filthy.

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