Hot Girl Summer Chapter Two

* Import dick= a man new to your state that has not yet been tampered with by locals. Will not see “ also followed by…” when you click on his Instagram page.

Now how the fuck have I played myself this time? I looked on in horror as a man with a drunken limp and not very many teeth started his approach toward me. My terrified expression must have deterred him, or maybe I wasn’t his target after all. He waddled right past me muttering under his breath. Am I really this bored I’ve forfeited a turnt up Taco Tuesday to eat a fish plate and watch old people line dance at the American Legion? This has to be the embodiment of washed up. I downed the rest of my tequila and pineapple and rubbed my temples, upset I came here in the first place.

“Is it nuts or is it sluts”?

I opened my eyes and looked over at the 70 something old woman that had not been there a moment ago. She was elegant and everything I hoped to be in 40 years. The woman was embracing her gray hair in a stylish and “age appropriate” up-do, and was wearing an outfit more fly than anything in most of my peers’ closets. Not mine, though. She was wearing sunglasses inside at night time and a fur vest. It was 97 degrees outside. Immediately I liked her.

I was still taking her all in when she repeated her question through perfectly applied red lipstick.

“Is it nuts or sluts”?

I opened my mouth to reply when she answered for me.

“Must be both”.

She sipped her drink and shook her head. I was wondering when she even ordered that.

“I’m not sure I understand your question. Is what nuts or sluts”?

The woman looked at me and basically said I looked like I was fighting demons and the only explanation could be nuts or sluts.

She said it was either a nut or a slut that was stressing me out, or a nut that was a slut, vice versa, or both. She sipped her drink matter of factly and I sat there for a moment. Fly Granny asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes.

“I’ve been drinking tequila and pineapple”.

“I asked if you wanted a drink, not what you wanted to drink”.

She signaled over the bartender and ordered two Absolut and cranberries.

I shrugged and kindly accepted the drink I was given. Fly Granny looked at me over her sunglasses.

“See. The bartender falls under the slut category. She has a very open mouth for all of these dirty old men in here. Some are married”.

I started to choke on my drink. The woman was not whispering and I’m almost positive the bartender heard her. She was unphased and continued on.

“Ol’ Limpy that you were scared of earlier? The one I had to get rid of? He’s a nut. He don’t have the swag to be a slut. He’s in here every week bothering some woman. What’s the definition of insanity? Okay then, that’s my point.”

As the vodka mixed with the reposado, she was starting to make a lot of sense. Including why the man suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me. I thought it was my RBF, but really she’d scared him away without my noticing. Nice.

“I think I get it now”.

She smiled and nodded her head, clearly impressed with her teaching skills and my being a quick study. We bonded further with a quick “cheers” and I was suddenly feeling better about my choice of venue for my Tuesday.

The universe affirmed my feelings when a fine ass zaddy and his even finer twin son walked in and sat down across the bar.

“Now are they nuts or sluts”? I asked my new mentor.

“What do you want them to be”?

I looked over at Twin Son. He was tall and BUILT and by the looks of his daddy, it was gonna stay that way. That was good news for me since I was already planning our wedding and 50 year anniversary. Baby was still gonna be fine! His short locs did nothing to take away from the beauty that was his face. Talk about perfect symmetry. I wanted to sit on his lips right here and right now. I watched him tap his fingers on the bar as he waited for the slut bartender to take his order. I could only imagine what those fingers could do inside of me. Without breaking my gaze, I answered Fly Granny.

“I want the son to be a slut”.

When she didn’t answer, I looked over and discovered an empty seat next to me. She’d disappeared just as quickly as she’d arrived. I wondered if I had imagined her.

I turned around. Nah she was just on the dance floor with the other line dancers. Okay now was my time to find out about my new man over there.

I wasn’t sure if I was just moving in slow motion, or if things were just appearing, because by the time I turned around there was a tequila and pineapple sitting in front of me. I looked at the bartender confused. She gestured to my man and father in law. They both waved at first, but the son slapped his father’s hand down. I laughed and waved back. I patted the empty seat next to me and smiled directly at the son. Things were looking good for my night.

Why did both of them get up and walk over? I could tell Twin Son was tired of his dad’s shenanigans, but probably used to them. The young one sat in the seat meant for him, and his dad sat in Fly Granny’s chair.

“Esta ocupado”.

Not me breaking out in español. Clearly the drinks were kicking in.

“That’s okay baby, I’ll get up when your fine ass mama gets back”.

I started to correct him, but my man thankfully jumped in and asked me how my night was going and did I come here often? He had just moved here from The Bay and his dad was taking him out.

“Good. Import Dick*”. I thought to myself.

I let him know I was local, and that this normally wasn’t my venue of choice on account of all the old people.

We both looked over at his dad after I said that.

Instant laughter. Even from my future father in law.

I’m good for laughing a nigga’s man panties off. That’s what I decided my goal was. Taking Twin Son home with me.

By the way he was looking me up and down, licking those lips and inching himself closer with every laugh …. This was gonna be an easy mission.

We definitely vibed. I didn’t want to ruin the ability for me to get wet by him later in the evening so I hesitated talking about any real life topics. It’s not ideal for husband hunting but at the end of the day, I just wanted some dick. I knew he had to be at least moderately decent when his whole face frowned up when the DJ lost his mind and played an R. Kelly song. His daddy was jamming. He mouthed “sorry”.

I just laughed and shook my head.

“Thats why I’m fucking you and not your daddy”.

“Huh”?

“Huh”?

We looked at each other for a moment.

Now I could have sworn I said that in my head. I looked down at my drink in an accusatory manner. He rolled his eyes at me knowing the excuse I was about to give.

I really was about to just be straight up and tell him he was fine and I wanted to fuck. Why waste time, ya know? The tequila taught me that.

“I see we’ve landed on slut.” Fly Granny had graced her way back over to the bar in an undetectable manner yet again.

Her seemingly random comment piqued Twin Son’s interest but he was quickly distracted by his father and Fly Granny’s hands interlocking and the louder than whispering of nasty everything’s that the duo were sharing.

Again I wondered how the fuck this little old lady moved so damn fast.

Almost as if she’d read my mind, she told me to stay out of grown folks business.

The group laughed.

Not me on a double date with an elderly couple.

“Well, son. I’m gonna walk this nice lady to her car”.

That statement immediately triggered my man. He stood up fast as hell.

“I’ll walk with you”.

“Nah, we’re good. Stay and talk with your new friend”.

They both looked at me and I just sipped my drink. Baby looked worried, but he sat down.

Fly Granny came to hug me goodbye. I thanked her and she just winked at me.

“I’m here every Tuesday. You know where to find me”.

They styled off and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“He’s about to follow her home and stay the night. I’m being left here”.

I asked him if he was serious and how he knew.

He told me this wasn’t the first time that had happened. I saw him open the Uber app on his phone. I didn’t want to be toooooo thirsty after my intrusive thought was said out loud.

He closed his phone and looked at me.

I looked back. Right in his eyes. Hoping he could pick up on the lust in mine. He gestured his head towards the door. I got up. He reached his hand out. I took it. We walked out. Feeling nutty and slutty.