Gindr? You Brought Her!

by [email protected] 3 months ago in satire

The Subtle Art of Online Hookups

Gindr? You Brought Her!
Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

As most of you know by now, I have no issues divulging my personal experiences for the sake of entertaining the masses with my explicitly secual blog entries. So it can only stand to reason that I have taken it upon myself to use a popular hook-up application known as Grindr to do some gay culture social studying. Mind you, the only times I ever use the site for its intended purpose I’m either drunk or hungover and normally only log on out of boredom or when I’m in need of a self-esteem boost and the 14 Facebook pokes I got that day just aren’t doing it for me. But the conversations I’ve had with people combined with the conversations my friends have had leave me know choice but to write about it because honestly most of the shit that goes on there is just too damn funny to pass up.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Daniel, I’m a fine, upstanding citizen of these United States and a ‘good boy.’ What is this thing called Grindr?” Well I’m glad you asked you boring prude, because I’m about to explain it to you. Grindr is an application on your smart phone that you can download like Twitter or my personal favorite, Zombie Farm (no really, you grow zombies and then attack people with them… it’s kind of amazing) only this useless waste of time was created for “internet dating” and can locate you by pinging your wireless towers and tell you just how many feet the beefy latino torso with the mini devil tattoo and the sensible 9 uncut inches is away from you. You start by creating a profile which includes all of the essential information like your height, weight, ethnicity, and whether you give it or take it in the butt, and then there’s a little “about me” section which you can use to either describe yourself a little more, let everyone know what drugs you like to use while fucking, or just use the ever popular “i'm vgl masc guy for same only” that way you can just go ahead and tell people that you're masculine and good looking and no one has to draw that conclusion for himself by actually having to chat with you in order to get to know you. My current about me section reads "i can't stand guys that are constantly playing games... except clue. love me some clue!" just to give you an example. Then it gives you the option of selecting an age range of the men you would like to see show up on your screen. Sadly there’s no other option for a more specific search, but I guess keeping the grandpas and teenagers out is about as picky as most of the guys who use this wireless std really get anyway.

Once that’s done it’s time to upload your picture. This is probably the most important part of your Grindr profile because if it’s no good then no one is gonna want to talk to your ugly ass. Now it’s very important to pick the best picture of yourself ever taken, because lord knows you’re not gonna find a husband with that one of you and your fag-hag at last year’s fourth of July party where you got really drunk on some strangers rooftop and your beer gut is hanging over your speedo. A good option is to starve yourself for a couple of weeks and then get in your bathroom mirror, twist your waist, stick out your chin and position the flash right in front of your face cause that protein deficiency you got from starving yourself has given you big dark circles around the eyes. An even better plan is to just cut your face out altogether… especially if you have any sort of high-profile job which one can only assume that’s why these guys are trying to get laid using an Anthony Weiner style photo. Plus that way none of your friends or coworkers can find out that you’re using a phone app to find a sex date at 9pm on a Wednesday night (even though that just proves that he is too). Now unfortunately Grindr does sensor their photos so if you’re showing too much skin below the waist in either the front or the back then they crop it and that really great picture you took with your fist in your ass is right out!

I know I kid, but truth of the matter is that I myself have fallen into what most would consider to be "douchey" tendencies with some of my Grindr habits as well. The majority of the pictures I've used or sent were definitely taken after periods of starvation and extreme dieting but eating disorders are just a part of life when you're a dancer so it's totally not the same thing. Besides, I still look like all of those pictures apart from the mild booze ponch below my belly-button and as I said earlier, Grindr sensors that part of your profile picture so I don't really feel like I'm deceiving anyone. I mean, it definitely helps that I've done multiple shows/charity events/life circumstances that have forced to dance in a thong and flex my ass cheeks for extended periods of time, and I find that those kinds of pictures help open up the conversation to a new topic causing us to get to know each other more cause let's face it... most of the guys there are about as interesting as a pre-flight safety speech and have as much substance and value as the bagged cereal on the bottom shelf at the grocery store. And even sadder is when you do find an interesting guy that you enjoy chatting with and they end up being either a stage-5 clinger or completely bat-shit crazy which are usually the ones I end up with. One guy, a 22 year old latin boy who grew up in the neighborhood I currently live in, who I initially thought was pretty cool ended up being a total stalker and somehow found my blog without knowing my full name or my Facebook page and sent the world's creepiest messages with intimate details about a certain sexual situation as if he were there or possibly saw a video of it. Yeah, needless to say he got blocked pretty fucking quick after that one.

Speaking of blocking, that might be my favorite features that Grindr has to offer. One can only assume that it's primary function was to prevent people from sending you harassing messages, but not long after downloading the app a friend of mine who I would consider quite the Grindr expert taught me this neat trick of blocking guys that you know you'll never be interested in or want to talk to so that you can "load more guys" that you would be more attracted to and in a larger radius. So now the first thing I do once I've responded to or blocked all of the messages that were sent while I was logged off is go through and weed out the fats, uglies, and wrong kinda ethnics. Not to mention there are those select creepy friends that everyone has who are always making inappropriate sexual jokes at awkward times because you can tell that they secretly really wanna get in your pants and for some stupid reason think that making uncalledfor comments about their dick and or hole or even worse, one of your body parts, on a Facebook status is going to somehow magically transport them into your bedroom... oh yeah, I block the shit out of them!

There are some guys who "sup" me that for whatever reason I choose not to block. Mostly because when you block someone who has started a chat they can tell that you've blocked them because your profile disappears from their screen and I guess my inner lonely latch-key kid doesn't want to make people think I'm a mean or negative person. Most guys take the hint (as do I when a guy never responds to me) but some of these idiots just won't let up and send message after message of "are you my christmas present?" and equally corny and stupid comments until I finally give up on being nice and block their ass like there's no tomorrow. And don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of blocking. The latino from Thanksgiving (see previous blog) blocked me the next day, and so did this guy that was trying to be "discrete" (cause you know that's my middle name) after I mentioned something about seeing him at the gym because I could clearly tell who it was even with a picture that just showed him from the nose down. One guy in Philly blocked me after I proudly stated "safe only" which explains that city's incredibly high HIV contraction rate and I'm honestly glad that he did because I don't like associating myself with people who enjoy spreading disease. But my favorite block was definitely from a guy who I'd say was in his mid 30's (his age wasn't listed, shocking) who complimented my picture so I replied "thanks :)" like I usually do and then when he tried to engage me in a conversation I just politely ignored him. Well, he didn't take that too kindly and then decided to tell me what a douchebag jerk I am and how I'm not as hot as I think and those kinds of things to which I eloquently responded "i'm sorry that you feel that way, but i clearly have no interest in you. sorry bout it." I didn't get a chance to read his full response because he blocked me and it disappeared as I was reading it but he mentioned something to the tune of "you could never have me anyway because I only fuck the kind of guys you dream about while watching porn" which might have been the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me because not only was it not true, but I have slept with my fair share of porn stars (and some who aren't so much stars, but just in it) and have a pretty well-known one saved as a favorite because we chat all the time and lives right down the street... and has an 11 inch dick.

One of my favorite things to do is discuss Grindr related topics and stories with my friends because if I've learned anything from using this mobile walk of shame it's that it produces some pretty damn good stories. One close friend likes to text me pictures of guys before he hooks up with them because between the two of us we've pretty much slept with just about every guy in the city so it's always fun to compare notes. My favorite friend to compare notes with is a guy I'll refer to as Blue Moon Dick (nicknamed because the size and shape of his penis is fairly similar to that of a handle on the Blue Moon tap) because we have a somewhat similar taste in men and an almost matching sense of humor. He once sent a guy a message that just said "i like your head shape" just to see what the guy would say... naturally the guy didn't respond. Recently BMD and I were hanging out at the same holiday party and got on Grindr at the same time to see if we could chat up the same guys and I hate to say that I was pretty displeased with the outcome because not only did he get a full conversation out of one of my gym crushes (who stares at me hardcore while I'm working out because let's face it, Brazilians don't really have manners) who I've never even had so much as a "sup" out of, but he also got one of my actual real-life fuck-buddies to stop chatting with me in an attempt to get BMD to come over and suck him off. Best part of that story is that BMD's profile pic is one of those twisting, flexing, perfect lighting and a little bit of eye makeup pictures and we're pretty sure that the fuck-buddy didn't even recognize him even though all three of us did a show together once. Needless to say I told him to get the hell out of my neighborhood and back up to Canada (aka: the heights) where he belongs cause I'm not about to let him go around stealing all of my men damnit! In a similar instance, a former hook-up turned friend was browsing Grindr in the middle of my birthday party last month and when I yelled at him to put his phone away and be social he goes "yeah but this beefy latin guy is totally right up your ally." When he showed me the picture I could clearly see that it was the same fuck-buddy mentioned earlier which made me literally laugh out loud and say "we just fucked on Monday, tell him I said hi... oh yeah, and he lied to you. His name's not Caleb."

Now with all of this being said, I'm still sticking to my earlier statement that I honestly don't use Grindr to look for sex unless I've been drinking or I'm hungover (I'm always really horny when I'm hungover for some reason... maybe it's a hormonal imbalance or something) and in my 8-10 months of having it downloaded on my phone I've only slept with three guys that I didn't already know in some capacity (two drunk, one hungover). And to be even more honest I've got more dates and hook-ups from Facebook than anything else, especially if my profile pic at the time is particularly racy. And it was but by the grace of Facebook, Grindr, and a scandalous profile pic that I finally got to sleep with a HUGE crush of over 6 months who only lived three blocks away and described my ass as "perfect" when he slipped it in. Why it took six and a half months to get to that point I'll never know but I'm not mad at Grindr for helping to make it happen.

The thing that intrigues me most about Grindr is probably how the majority of the guys I end up talking to assume that I'm a top. Now, I'm sure most of you just fell out of your chairs laughing at the thought, but remember that these guys have never met me in person so that makes it a little easier to believe. But honestly I've always considered myself a vers bottom and I had multiple arguments with all three of my long-term boyfriends about them not letting me get a turn every once in a while. Truth of the matter is that it really comes down to a height thing with me. I don't know if it's a perception of dominance or what but for some reason it's weird for me to let a guy shorter than myself fuck me, but if he's hot then I'm ready to bend him over the railing on the back deck of the Majesty of the Seas (that never happened, but I was the top whenever my ethnically ambiguous roommate and I had drunk sex on that contract). And of the three random hook-ups I've had I was the top for two of them and... well, you've all read about what happened on Thanksgiving. :-/

You know, it really isn't until I top someone that I realize just how good I am at bottoming. Not that there's any one consistent characteristic that makes a bad bottom, but there are definitely various techniques that should be used in order to ensure maximum pleasure for all parties involved like pushing back and such. My most recent hook-up was coming off the tail end of a messy holiday party and a 4am fight with my best friend (I'm starting to sense a pattern here) at a McDonalds walk-up window and I was so hungover that I honestly just wanted to lay there and get plowed for about half an hour before I could get my day going. Didn't take me long to find a guy who claimed to be my height and listed his ethnicity as "mixed" which I assumed to be a mix of latin based on his pictures so you can imagine my surprise when I opened my front door to find a carbon copy of the little Indian guy from Parks and Recreation staring me in the face. There was no mixed anything in this kid's race unless it was a mix of north and south India. I'm talking full-blow curry-slinging, slurpie-selling, Verizon Wireless customer service representative Indian. Not that I have anything against fucking an attractive Indian guy, but he had obviously figured out the how to take pictures of himself at an angle that clearly hid the shape of his nose. Well, at this point he was already there so I figured what the fuck, let's do this.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm a pretty damn good bottom. This kid was NOT anything close to even being in the start-up league of bottoming for beginners. Not that I'm claiming to be the world's greatest top or anything, but I'm talking sex basics for anyone who's ever fucked before. He would only take it on his back but refused to lift his legs in the air and did everything he could to fight against me from holding them up. Not that I'm some sort of dominant daddy who demands that he surrender to my style of fucking, but without his legs in the air I couldn't physically get my dick into his ass. That's not dominance, that's physics. After about 10 minutes of that bullshit I pretended to be too hungover to fuck (which really was about 85% true anyway) and kicked his ass out. At least I can say I learned a couple of things from this experience. 1) get a face and body picture from that day, preferably holding up a copy of the day's paper cause this kid's hair was at a minimum 6 months grown out from what he sent me and 2) any guy who is that quick to drop everything and walk to your apartment in 20 degree weather is clearly not worth it. But on the bright side it did force me to clean up all of the dirty clothes on my bedroom floor and clorox the stains on the toilet from the stomach virus I had three days earlier so I guess it wasn't a total bust.

I guess if Grindr has taught me anything it's that most gay men, especially the ones living in New York are all looking for the same thing: attention without attachment. Not saying that I'm much different on most occasions, but it would be nice to have a great guy to settle down with after 2 and a half years of slutting it up. And I'm sure I'm not the only guy out there who's inner psycho straight girl starts picking out wedding rings and puppy breeds every time I find myself in a post-coital cuddle session. In fact, after my most recent midday sex date (who I met on Facebook... told ya) we cuddled and took a little nap and I found myself having a really vivid dream where my cousin was helping me move in with this guy. I ended up scaring myself awake and jerking and kicking like a mental patient waking him up as well and decided that it was probably a good cue for me to leave and continue the rest of my day.

So I guess I'll just continue using this social experiment of an app that keeps asking me to vote it for "Best Internet Dating Site" every time I log on until I get tired of it. But like everything else in life I'll take the conversations and experiences from this online bathhouse and use them to try and make a better life for myself because at the end of the day how I feel about myself is more important than what other people think of me and if I need a complete stranger of a headless torso who's only 719 feet away to tell me I'm pretty in order to feel good about the way I look then I'm not ashamed to log on a "sup" every latin guy within a 5 mile radius until it happens. So suck on that bitches. :)

satire
Daniellynnevans@gmail.com
[email protected]
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