Frank Sinatra's "Witchcraft"

I started dating Shawn in October. We met at a friend’s Halloween party. The thing that drew me in was his dark eyes. It sounds a little twisted, but they kind of reminded me of my ex, Brandon. Brandon was everything. We had some really rough patches, but the good days were some of the best I’ve ever had. I could write books upon books about Brandon, but I find myself struggling to write one sentence about Shawn. Which is cruel because Shawn is a great guy; he’s just not my Brandon.

It was the night before Thanksgiving when I got the text from my best friend Ashley that my friend group was planning a small Christmas getaway to a cabin for a few days. I thought it’d be a great way to connect more with Shawn and hopefully get my mind away from Brandon. After me and Brandon broke up, I tried desperately to work on myself. I had a hard time meeting new people; it used to freak me out. When Ashley said a few people were coming that I didn’t know, my stomach turned a little at the thought of being around people I didn’t know under one roof. Shawn reassured me that he would be there for me every step of the way. I wasn’t lying when I said Shawn was a really good guy.

Over the next few weeks, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. My intuition was telling me not to go, but I brushed it off as my anxiety just acting up. That’s the thing about anxiety. If you are not in tune with yourself, it’s challenging to decipher if it’s your intuition or anxiety talking to you. Either way, I didn’t listen. I was so focused on being the new and improved badass version of myself that I ignored the uncertainty screaming at me from inside.

We packed our bags into what I like to call my “mom car,” and we headed out. I remember holding Shawn’s hand as he drove, and I was holding tighter than normal. As we got closer to the cabin, the service on our phones started to go out, and then we lost service altogether. If he weren’t with me, I never would have been able to find the cabin.

My stomach started to turn as we pulled into the driveway, and I saw how many cars there were. I felt a little better when I saw Ashley’s little blue Ford Focus. I got out of the car and felt a sense of peace staring at the Cabin. There was snow covering the ground as a huge wreath hung directly in the middle of the house. It looked so beautiful and almost nostalgic. It reminded me of the Christmas vacations I dreamed of taking as a child with my parents but never did. That’s a story for a different day, however.

The smell of pine and the sounds of laughter embraced us as we walked through the door. Ashley’s squeal, followed by a huge hug from her, made me feel comforted. She smelled of perfume and whiskey. It was alluring like the rest of her personality. She was much shorter than me and outgoing. I guess you could say we were complete opposites, and the fact that we were best friends was kind of cute. She stood up for me in the fourth grade when the “cool kids” were picking on me for being quiet and tall. It felt like she adopted me as a friend, and I was grateful for her. The rest was pretty much history. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

She introduced us to some new people, and I hugged friends that I already knew. She said a few people were running late and that they would be there later that night. We all went out to some fancy restaurant; I can’t recall the name. I just remember laughing at the steak knives because they were so nice that if my mother had been there, she would have stolen them. I watched Shawn as he talked about his life with these new friends that he had just met. He was so outgoing and sweet. I don’t know why I craved the chaos that Brandon brought into my life. Shawn was easy to love and be loved by; he was faithful and kind.

We made our way back to the cabin as some people busted out board games, cards and liquor. Some jumped in the jacuzzi, and some just sat and watched as everyone enjoyed themselves. It was beautiful, and Shawn joked with me, saying, “see... nothing to worry about”. He was right; I felt at peace and safe. I had a few drinks, and I could feel my cheeks start to turn red. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror as I felt slightly tipsy. My red cheeks matched my red hair and lips. My white Christmas sweater made the red stand out, and I felt beautiful. I whispered in the mirror, “You look so beautiful tonight.”

We started playing a board game as the front door opened downstairs. I could faintly hear a girl say, “So sorry we’re late,” and laughter busted out. I felt pretty good from the wine, so I wasn’t nervous about meeting more new people. It was maybe a half-hour or so before the late people made their way upstairs to where we were sitting. I heard that same voice yell, “Oh, we got next game!”. I didn’t turn to look because me and Shawn were on the verge of winning. When we won, we kissed and laughed into each other, and I felt so happy for the first time since Brandon.

A woman sat down across from us ready for the next game. “Hi, I’m Sharon! Me and boyfriend got the next game. He’s just grabbing a drink!” She held out her hand; she was so beautiful. She had big dark eyes and long beautiful dark brown hair. Her breasts were huge, which normally wouldn’t grasp my attention, but I couldn’t help but notice. I remember telling her she was beautiful as I introduced Shawn and me. She was comforting and had a natural nurturing aspect about her. I liked her. Her attention drew from eyes to the person behind me. She started reaching and motioning to the person to sit down. “Oh, this is my boyfriend, Brandon”! She was so giddy that her breasts bounced up and down as she was excited for him to sit down. Then there he was, my Brandon. Sitting across from me as my heart shattered into so many pieces that I couldn’t breathe or even form words. He had on a black sweater and looked like a God. I watched as his lips sipped his drink while he stared into me and gave me that devilish grin. He held out his hand to me, “Hi, I’m Brandon.”

Shawn and Sharon both looked at me as if I was on drugs when I just sat with a horror expression on my face. “Are you okay”? Shawn whispered. Shawn and Sharon had no idea. Brandon’s hand in front of me, I shook it without a word. Totally cringing just thinking back to it. Sharon started the game despite my awkwardness and silence. Brandon and I didn’t take our eyes off one another as the game began. I could faintly hear Frank Sinatra’s “Witchcraft” playing in the background as I felt sick to my stomach. It felt like a cruel joke the universe was playing on me. The power this man had over me was something I couldn’t explain. I was sweating as he sat there, getting a kick out of my pain. I looked towards Sharon again as I started feeling insecure. Her tight sweater exposing her beautiful body. I looked down at my oversized sweater hiding my small breasts and lengthy body. She was everything I wasn’t in every aspect. They were a beautiful couple, and I wanted to put a bag over my face and suffocate. She was flirty with him and touched him nonstop. He didn’t react to it much, and every time she felt him, his eyes met mine. He was kind of quiet and serious with her. With me, he was always playful like a child. I didn’t recognize this version of him.

When Shawn leaned in to kiss me, Brandon gulped his entire drink and excused himself to get another one. Sharon kept talking, and I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. She was so nice and sweet, but I wanted desperately to get away from her. When Brandon returned, his eyes were serious and annoyed with me. He wrapped his arm around Sharon for the first time and said he wanted to get some rest. She leaned over to kiss him. I watched as her breasts pressed into him as she kissed him. Her hand rubbed his thigh as she apologized to us as she explained that Brandon had a long day of driving and they needed to get some rest for the ski trip tomorrow morning that I had no idea we were doing. I remember getting annoyed that she was talking about him like he wasn’t here. “Well, I hope Brandon sleeps well,” I said as I rolled my eyes. Brandon chuckled while Sharon and Shawn were not amused with my sarcasm.

She took Brandon’s hand as they headed off to bed. I turned to watch them walk away. She led him like a puppy. I laughed awkwardly as they headed into the bedroom right beside mine and Shawn’s. Of course, that would be their bedroom; why wouldn’t it be?

The evening continued on as I kept pouring wine while my Brandon slept in a bed with the hottest chick I’ve ever seen. This is going to sound bad; I know. I kept throwing myself at Shawn to try and get Brandon out of my head. Shawn didn’t seem to mind, but of course, he didn’t know the reason for my actions. Things started winding down, and we finally made our way back to our bedroom. Things were getting quieter and quieter. Music still played from the living room, but it was so faint that it was almost soothing. I started to hear Sharon’s giggle through the wall. My heart started racing as I put the pillow over my head as Shawn snored next to me. Her giggles grew louder as they turned into moans.

She had to know we could hear her, but as they grew even louder, I quickly learned she didn’t care who heard. I heard that stupid song again coming from the living room. Then I heard Sharon call Brandon, Daddy. Tears fell as I got up and went on the balcony for fresh air.

Having a panic attack on a cold balcony while some hot chick slept with the love of my life in the room next to me was not the way I planned on this vacation going. I sat down as I covered my eyes while the tears kept falling and my heart racing. So many memories that I tried desperately to forget played in my mind on repeat. All those wonderful times we made love. Doing things out of our comfort zone and just exploring one another. How he used to hold my wrists in place while he made love to me. Or how safe I felt when he held me close. How his heartbeat was always my favorite lullaby. It was too much, and I had to cover my mouth from crying out loud. I wrote a poem on my phone as the blistering cold cooled my tantrum. I would never have sent it, but the alcohol still rushing through my veins gave me the courage I wish I didn’t have. I copied and pasted the poem in a message and hit send to a contact I never thought I’d bring back up on my phone.

“There is nothing poetic or passionate about the way she touched you. I could tell that you felt it too.

I watched as she kissed those very lips I’ve written so many poems about.

She was now drowning in your lips while I was suffering in a drought.

The way she touched you was almost disrespectful.

Her kisses were easily forgetful.

You deserve more than she could ever give.

Your soul was made like mine, and we both crave a deep intimacy in order to live.

You chose a pretty face over a deep connection.

Your soul will ache for an intimacy like mine when you learn she’s only good enough to give you an erection.

One day you’ll see that she can’t touch your depths like me”.

I awoke Shawn early that morning, asking if we could leave. I told him the truth about Brandon and how bad my heart was aching. Shawn understood and didn’t even question it. He hugged me and told me it was okay. Shawn was understanding and caring, something Brandon never was. As we pulled away from the cabin, I felt a deeper sense of peace than I ever had before.

About 20 minutes away from the cabin, I heard my phone make the ding noise it makes when I send a text message. I didn’t realize the text didn’t send until now as I forgot that I didn’t have service. I blocked Brandon’s contact after that message was sent. Although the universe works in mysterious ways, I felt thankful for the painful closure that it had given me. I needed it in order to put my beautiful Brandon in the past for good.