cause of death: broken heart

September 14th, 2022

Today was the first day of my newly opened relationship. If you’ve been following my journal, you’ll understand how we got here. I wrote about sleeping with other people and lack of trust, and about how the feeling of feeling first love again is persuasive. And yes, this entry will also be about my love life. Deal with it.

I’m having a hard time processing the pain I’ve felt recently. My boyfriend has once again exposed his interest in being with someone else. But as you probably know, feelings catch. The first time this lustful dilemma was brought up in the beginning of our relationship, I realized I would have to start working on this. By myself. And so, I did.

About three months ago I wrote I’m considering a breakup, where I mentioned how a Netflix series almost destroyed my solid relationship and how we almost agreed to part ways. The day after that night, he came back running into the apartment, asking for forgiveness. We talked and figured it out. Yesterday, however, the topic lightly resurged in one of my favorite times of the day: our late-night talks in bed. But it soon turned into an abyss, and I was hurt like I never thought I could be.

He said once again that he would like to be able to not simply sleep with other people, but also flirt, and kiss and feel new energies and get to know their bodies. My heart was stabbed as soon as I heard flirting. My voice failed as I said that had hurt. I felt literal physical pain, deep in my heart. Like a knife had quickly jabbed me in the chest. I pictured an autopsy which read cause of death: broken heart.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t in any way a surprise. I had known for years this problem would come knocking on my door. And I have been working on this idea for a while, but the only time this seems remotely feasible is when I lust alone with myself, thinking of him. But this time, the discussion was more detailed. I saw it a bit more up close. And all the confidence I had built in securing a future with him collapsed. I need a partner in crime, someone who knows exactly when to prioritize me and I don’t know if he can give me that.

I understand his need. I truly do. And to express it, I’ll unapologetically quote Madonna.

“Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another.”

I don't want to restrict him from enjoying his life and body, to have to permit his pleasure. I want him to have new sexual experiences, but I want to be the one exploring with him and involving another person could really tear us apart. Communication and honesty, time, patience. Energy.

I had butterflies in my stomach throughout the whole next day, waiting to see him and get this over with. When he got home, he quickly apologized - exactly as he had done the previous time. A pattern. We sat down and discussed.

To sum it up, he has the desire and curiosity to intimately meet new people, but he doesn’t want to lose me in the process. His solution, to bring in a third person in our love life. We decided to simply open the relationship and see how it goes. And then he hugged me hard, and even seemed a bit turned on when I said, “now you’ll have to share me with other people”.

I do appreciate his honesty, but this is hurting me, too much. He tells me he loves me, and I feel it. And I don’t want to share what we do in bed together with anyone.

I tried to focus on something else so I could do my job today, and I even told a colleague my relationship had been alohomored. I’m confused and I don’t know if I can give him what he needs. And to be honest, I don't know if he can give me what I need either. The idea of dating someone new seems exciting to me at first, but then I remember that it goes for both of us.

- Ms. Rodwell