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sleeping with other people

curse, karma or insecurity?

By Ms. RodwellPublished 2 years ago Updated about a year ago 3 min read
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sleeping with other people
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

August 28th, 2022

In three months, I will have been in my first serious, monogamous relationship for four years. I discovered there was a lot I didn’t know about myself, and I definitely underestimated the impact that it would have on my development as a person. I knew this life-changing experience would uncover hidden spots of my personality, but this knowledge was rational at the time. Now, having been through it, I have a better sense of who I am, who I want to be and who I might become.

We’ve crossed many bridges and walked through many roads together to get to where we are. Sexual stability and awakening, and traumas, from both of us. It hasn’t been easy, but it's sure been magical. I learned and I’ve been strong, and weak and vulnerable. Dependent and jealous, protective and obsessed, but caring and open and safe.

I’ve managed quite well, but there is still one aspect I haven't quite been able to get over or fully accept: the idea of my partner sleeping with other people. I’m not naive, nor a prude. I know he thinks of this - often, probably. I come from a long trauma of tormentous teen years that left me scars that might never heal.

I had been with a few other people before my relationship. My partner however, had only ever had one other sexual partner when we met: his one and only ex-lover, and first love, whose name still haunts me sometimes. But my fear of competition has vanished. After a couple of years, I managed to push that insecurity away from me.

I believe my issue with his previous lover also has a lot to do with the very same concept that haunts me now. The problem is, I know how he is in bed and how tender and loving and gentle he can be. I know he loves me. And I'm afraid he'll act the same with other people.

He has admitted that it’s hard for him to have casual sex, that love needs to be involved for him to enjoy it. And after years of digesting this information, I’m still not sure if it comforts or threatens me.

It comforts in a way that I know he won’t just fall in love so easily with anyone - but it haunts me when I think that if he does eventually find someone he wants to go to bed with, he’s one step closer to loving them and leaving me.

We have a good sex life and we both have troubled pasts in this area and even though I understand his need of enjoying his youth and health and exploring his sexuality, my emotions are loud. I’m still as much in love with him as I was when we first began dating, and deep down, I am a hopeless romantic.

Rationally, I try to keep an open mind about most things. I know monogamy can be unrealistic, but I think I’d be okay having only him every night, forever. I find it incredibly trustworthy and comforting. Of course I still see attractive men and get interested, but at the end of the day, this lust doesn’t compare to what I have with my boyfriend. And it hurts, because I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same way.

I wonder what lessons are still to come, and from where I’ll pull the strength to conquer my fears. I wonder if the clock will tick for him and he’ll decide ‘it’s now, it’s been too long, I need to try someone new’. I wonder how many more times he’ll run back into my arms or be excited to see me. I wonder if that special look, with his head tilted down but still not being able to look away, will ever be directed at someone else.

- Ms. Rodwell

fact or fictionlgbtqrelationshipssexual wellness
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About the Creator

Ms. Rodwell

call her a pseudonym or a catfish, but she'll persist in her pursuit of fabulousness

TT: @Ms_Rodwell

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