Breathless

A companion piece to this:

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I never thought I was meant to have true love. I just thought I was meant to be stuck in nightmares—-where my parents just watch me suffer and say almost nothing——where I get stuck in these crazy situations where I feel trapped. I know my parents care. They are just so oblivious and selfish.

I’ve been thinking about how my first time will go with Craig(probably so messy and sweet and he’ll be nervous—). I have been having mild hysteria over my lifetime—-but now that Craig has been in my life so directly, it’s gotten milder to the point where it only hits on very stressful occasions. He truly helps me thinking logically and clearly. If I just need to cry, he holds me until I feel better. No questions, just support.

We had some times where we didn’t communicate as well. With the Buddha Box thing. But…. We learned to have space when we needed it and also be more open with one another. Things are never perfect, but we both try so hard to keep things together.

Oh, Craig.

I know you have been wanting me. I can see it in your eyes. In the way your lips lick mine as we kiss. In your heart beating so fast next to mine as we hold each other. You are so patient. You never push anything. I know you want me—but you don’t seem to know just how much I feel the same way.

I am going to let you know tonight just how badly I want—-no, need you, too.

We’ve been together forever, it feels like. I sent you a song. Do you know how bad I have been keeping my lust in check?

The pain of our open ended love life has left me breathless.

I’m about to turn nineteen. You are already nineteen. We need to talk.

I text you.

Call me.

“T-Tweek? Honey… it’s two in the morning. Are you alright?”

“Craig…” I breathily say.

I hear a small gasp from Craig. “Baby?”

“I… I want you, Craig…”

“You want me?”

“I wanna… will you…” I don’t know how to express it properly.

“You want me to come over?” You ask.

“Let’s talk… will you… touch yourself?” I whisper.

“What?”

I can’t help it. I start. “Craig, I’m just… I want to hear your voice…” I moan.

“I can read something to you?” Craig says dumbly.

“No! Agh… I want to have phone sex with you!”

Craig gasps again. “Ohhh.”

“Yeah. Babe, you wanna?” I ask.

“Ar-are you doing it already?” He asks softly.

“Mmmmhmmmm.”

I hear a soft moan. “Tweek… that’s hot.”

“Ya think so? You like it?” I moan again.

“Oh shit. Yes. So hot,” Craig says.

“Will you come over?” I ask.

I hear him cry out softly, “Tweek, baby, I’ll do anything… you want..”

“We need to make love…”

Craig sighed softly, “Yes! Oh… man…. Shit….”

“Want me to get on top?” I ask, moving a bit faster. My breath is hot and fast. “Sit on you hard and fast?”

“Oh yeeahhh…” Craig says in a crying moan.

I moan at his uncontrollable, louder tones. “Did you like the song I sent you?”

“Yea. Oh honey…”

“We will look each other in the eyes… and kiss over and over…”

Craig sighs, “Yes. I will kiss you everywhere.”

We both come at the same time—-it hits me in a shockwave that pulsates in my stomach and whole body—-hearing him moaning my name and crying out softly only exemplifies my orgasm.

“Woah. Baby? You surprised me. I thought… I didn’t think you were… that interested in me.”

I frown. “We’ve been together for like nine years. I literally can’t stop myself from wanting to jump you sometimes.”

Craig laughs. “Oh, dear… you are cute.”

“What?”

“I thought you might wanna wait. Ya know… until we are married?”

I laugh softly. He’s so sweet.

“What?” Craig asks now.

“I’ll marry you now. I just want to feel you. Like a husband does..”

“Aww, honey. Me too,” Craig says. “But… do I really make you feel better?”

I pause a moment. “Craig… you have always made me feel—-transcendent.”

“What’s that mean? The hell?”

I laugh. “Can you meet me at that old barn? You know the one.”

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

“Be there in fifteen.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

I got ready. I had to show Craig he was my one and only. He always seemed… so self-assured before. Now—-it seemed he seemed hesitant about his own self image. He had some anxiety recently—-making me a delicious homemade chocolate cake. He had told me how he felt so happy about that one summer together.

At that old barn. The best summer ever.

Craig called it our golden summer. He had given me pretty flowers. I especially loved the marigolds… they reminded me of Craig’s smile.

I tried to find a song that made me think of him. He wasn’t there yet. I found one.

I decided to write him a poem.

A human

Is made up of so many questions

Parts that equal to a strange magnetic brain carrying signals

To start up a confused and estranged body

My estranged heart and frazzled mind was always taught to fight

and run away from the pain

Your parts were summed up to

Directly staring at pain

And making it bleed internally

I saw your parts

And you saw mine

Your hands, too tight and longing for help

Your arms—-stretching too long without someone to hold your breath with you, it was too painful to share, you believed

Your eyes, nose and mouth—-hiding in plain sight—sad and honest

Your pulpy mass inside—-trying to compile too much information for the toughest questions in your clear mind—-sending off no color to help your lost dream

Believing in me.

Trusting in you.

Trusting in us.

Trusting in the human question of

What we all long for.

The sum of our parts.

Is more than transcendental power.

It’s eternal and deep—-

Like the deepest ravine, a ocean of blue and green, of marigold petals even more brilliant than the dawn…and the tides of our future that reach over

our starlit eyes like the moon.

I saw him come out of his car. I got out and we walked toward each other.

He looked so beautiful.

I took him by the hand and played the song I found as we went into the old barn. So many luminous memories come to my mind as we walk inside the abandoned barn—-his sweet smile and adorable shyness. A side only I have seen.

“Tweek?” He asks me.

“This song reminded me of you, babe. I got something to read to you…” I say softly. He smiles, but I can tell he is surprised.

I sit down, and motion him to sit next to me. He looks at me with a determined gaze.

“First, I need you to know, on the phone, with you, that was the first time I’ve actually… y’know come… in a while. My orgasm was really crazy strong, too,” Craig says in such a forthcoming manner, I almost drop my poem.

“I…. Uh..” I feel my cheeks glow red hot. “Craig, it felt like my body was melting… like it was fire… because I imagined being with you.”

We kissed suddenly. It was sweet and careful. He caressed my cheek, and whispered, “What else do you need to say, sweetheart?”

I go slowly and read to him my poem line by line. I gently caress each part of his body to each corresponding description.

He shudders and sighs—-leaning into my touches and caresses. We are cuddling and he is holding me by the time I am done reading.

“I want you to know you are my one and only, Craig. Forever.”

Craig grins, and leans in close to me. “And you are mine. I’ve dreamt it. Now it’s real.”

“You must see it in my eyes, Craig. How badly I need you. How much I want you…”

Craig’s half-lidded eyes widen. “I have felt insecure all my life, honey. You are the only one who knows that. You are the only one I trust.”

“I trust you, too. Craig…I want you to feel safe with me… You have every right to feel safe and confident and comfortable with me. I hope I facilitate… that?” I asked.

Craig nodded. “You do, honey. It was my own heart feeling the weight of.. uncertainty. In our future. But… even before tonight when you called me so sensually and being so up front about your needs… I knew you did.”

We look up at the stars, as we kissed over and over.

Oh Craig, you make me breathless.

Now, it’s your turn.