An Old Promise

March 5th

It’s been weeks since I left my home, my friends, my family. After... the event, they could hardly look at me, I mean I can’t blame them. I was so shocked myself, I even thought about killing my self, but what good would that do? Let’s be real, after the way my mom and dad looked at me, I’m sure anyone would have wanted to die.

Alas, I am alive, maybe it’s the part of me that has always persevered, or the part of me that remembers what it means to survive. Either way I’m glad I had spent so many summers in camp, learning how to take care of myself.

The thing about that is even though I have been able to make it in this forest on my own, I sense they are watching me... the ones from before.

I wish I could have pretended I didn’t understand, convinced them it was a childish prank, but I don’t think they would have taken it well.

I will try to do my best to elude them, but I know that if they truly want me there is not much I can do to stop them, this they told me on that day. For now I’ll continue on, and hopefully keep track of my thoughts in this journal. Maybe it’ll help me from going crazy.

It’s been lonely, and even though I barely miss my horrid family, it’s enough to leave me feeling a bit more vulnerable than I thought.

March 20th

Oops, I just about forgot my journal, not that a lot has happened, I went fishing for a few days and then it took me a couple more to get over my massive sunburn, but I’m better now.

They get closer at night.

I can hear them singing, beckoning me to join, and even if my time is near, I am still trying to resist. I know it’s inevitable, unavoidable, and most of all permanent. I don’t know a way to stop this and my friends and family think I’m a monster.

Dumb kid version of me. How was I supposed to know what I was doing, I was five! That doesn’t matter to them though, and I knew that nothing would when they appeared at my birthday party.

The big 18, it was going to be something, but it was over before I had even seen the cake.

They’re to thank for that. I know I can hold on, at least a few months, but I worry the loneliness will swallow me first.

March 23rd

One of them approached me. I was just roasting my fish, minding my own business, when I saw him walking up to me through the trees, although he was almost gliding with how angelic he looked.

I couldn’t fall for the tricks though, because then I could lose something worse than everything I had already lost combined. I’ve heard stories how they can steal your name, your soul, and even rip out your heart for a late snack.

He said he just wanted to talk and he kept his distance, but he pestered me about why I was so reluctant to join them.

I told him, “My life has been taken from me, so think I deserve to draw that out for as long as I humanly can.”

And he annoyingly reminded me of how I offered up my life, and that I was no longer human, to which I threw a stick at him, which he dodged. I guess news travels fast with his kind.

I know I couldn’t explain without making myself look like an idiot, but even with me barely remembering my idiotic decision, my biggest mistake was holding on to the promise ring.

Of course I didn’t KNOW it was a paranormal promise ring, binding my lifeline and forcing me to give myself up when I turned 18, but whatever.

Anyway he didn’t stay for long, but I noticed he smiled at me a lot and I couldn’t tell if it was in a “I think you’re cute way” or “you look like lunch” way. Regardless I know the days are getting longer and I’m grateful. Less night time means less time for them to be around.

March 31st

I keep forgetting about my journal; I guess it’s because I’m still not used to it, but I really want to try to be better. He’s been coming back almost every day. Honestly he must be really young in his group; he very often reminds me of a child in the way he asks a billion different questions.

Almost like a cute dark haired Peter Pan. Although he’s much more dangerous than a boy who never grows up. Which is why I asked at what age I would die, but he told me it just depends on how I live. Some Royals lived to be thousands of years old, while others choose to return to nature after a couple hundred. He told me I should have already stopped aging, and he also has begun to scoot closer. I noticed yesterday he was only inches away.

I felt pulled to him, but I ignored it because even though he’s nice.

He’s still one of them.

April 5th

It’s been a month since I started journaling and I’ve learned a lot from Vincent, like for starters that’s his name. I think he may have lied, considering the nervous look he gave me but I at least found out why he was interested in me. He had never met someone to resist the change, and wanted to understand me, which kind of made me feel like a science experiment, but I'm just glad he isn’t trying to make moves on me, or eat my heart.

I guess it’s only right since I’m already taken, but I still haven’t come to terms with it. Maybe that’s the reason I never dated anyone, they were interfering without me knowing, or some part of me remembered the promise I made when I was five.

Who knew words could be so powerful.

At least I know now, which is why I’m always careful with what I say to him, I don’t want to catch myself double engaged.

I’ve been showing him how to cook and live off the land. It seems he doesn’t know much of anything, but he also let me know I’ll still be able to eat normal food once I make the change.

That gives me a bit of hope.

April 7th

He got very close today. We were eating fish, and he was making me laugh, so hard I could barely swallow. He was so close to me I could almost taste his breath and when I composed myself I put more distance between us.

He had looked hurt but he was usually understanding about that stuff. He said something which struck as me as odd like, “things will be different when you go through the change” First of all, he said when, just as I was beginning to believe it could still be an if, and second I originally thought he was talking about my promise, it seemed he wasn’t based on the look he gave me.

I don’t know why I feel so calm with him. I know it’s dangerous but I wish I had made my promise to him. We were friends before anything and it was nice. I like that we can hold conversations and if I start to stress about changing he’s there, answering my questions and making me feel... okay. There have been nights when I close my eyes and he would be the only one there making me feel things I never have before, but he was right. Things would be changing.

April 15th

I don’t know how it happened. Don’t know why I can’t keep my thoughts focused on being just friends, but I realized today that it’s unavoidable. I can’t make him stop seeing me, its a forest, he can come and go as he pleases. Besides, I also can’t be suspicious in case he’s reporting to someone. I don’t want to ask if he is because he’s always honest with me and I couldn’t handle the truth. I want to kiss him, or touch him. Something. I really do. I wish I had the answers, but whenever we can hear the others singing around us he is shy, but when it’s just me and him he makes me laugh and tells me things I could only dream about. If I change I hope I remember him. I hope he’ll be around at least. My deadline is at the end of July and I’m hoping that despite everything, I still get to keep what makes me me.

April 17th

He saw me naked! Ugh! I was changing and usually I do it in my tent, but the moon was so bright and he had already left, or so I thought.

He saw everything and when I noticed him we both froze.

And my dumb brain could only think of one response, “Am I ugly?”

He looked at me in shock and shook his head wildly and said, “You’re more beautiful than the moon herself.” Which was a lot for me considering I know they worship the moon.

I simply went back in my tent and decided to write this. I guess now I’ll just go to sleep and hope for a life where I get him.

Maybe I should die to expedite that process.

April 25th

I’ve started to feel restless like my skin will peel off and my heart will stop. Even though it won’t, I worry I’ll change way too soon and forget my life, forget myself. I can’t tell Vincent because I don’t want him to know. If he knows he could tell them and then they would come for me.

They would take me away from Vincent and the thought of that alone is enough to make me cry.

I’ve come to love living in the woods, seeing him everyday. Even though we can’t touch or hug, or make love like I dream about, just seeing him is enough.

Since I know now, I really can’t avoid the change, I’ve created a list of questions.

How does bonding work?

Do we sleep?

Are we invincible?

Will I have magic powers?

I hope he can help answer them.

April 26th

I hadn’t wanted to tell him the story of my birthday but when I asked about bonding he looked taken aback and wanted to know why. So I told him how the three guards showed up at my outdoor birthday party. My parents and best friends had worked so hard together to make it huge, and so many people were there. The three guards were escorting the King as he made his way to me. My mother looked terrified, and my father was frozen. To give a bit more backstory at the house I grew up in I always played in the backyard by myself. It was fenced in, I had a play set and a sand box, so the only danger there were the mushrooms growing in a circle. My parents had stopped me from eating them a couple times, which earned me a laugh from Vincent. I vaguely remember making the promise but I said something along the lines of “Your Highness, young like me, I vow to be your bride to be.” I was playing with my dolls, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

The next day the mushrooms were gone and in the circle was a glass ring with the mushrooms inside. I thought it was pretty so I kept it.

Anyway the King had come to collect, he said his son would be of age at the end of July and he said, “When my sons turns 18 you will complete the Bonding ritual and your change will be finalized.” After I told Vincent my story he blushed, actually BLUSHED, which I didn’t think was possible. He said basically it’s sex for the fae. It creates a life bond between a couple where if one dies, the other will as well. It also is very likely to impregnate me, which I am not a fan of.

He explained that most fae have a soul mate, but the act of actually finding one and being with them is very, very rare, so most fae usually do arranged marriages. That seemed like a sore subject for him and I wondered if he was married and sneaking away to make googly eyes at me, but I guess it doesn’t matter since I belong to the Prince.

He told me he had to go but that he’d be back to answer the rest of my questions. I wanted to reach for him, to beg him to stay. I didn’t care he was one of them, he was my Vincent too.

But he disappeared, leaving me to write this and cry myself to sleep.

May 5th

Vincent hasn’t been back. I worry they found out and he’s being punished for stepping on the Prince’s turf or whatever. I can’t lose Vincent. I barely have three months left.

When Vincent is around my skin stops crawling, my heart beats normally again. Without him I will change, and I can’t. It’s too soon. I want him to be there. I’ve decided since I’ll technically be a princess I can probably request to have Vincent around, right? Otherwise, I might end up really killing myself and the Prince by default.

May 10th

Crisis averted. He came back today. He looked fine, but I tried not to show how worried I was. Oh how badly I wanted to rip his clothes off and lead him into my tent, but I couldn’t even hug him. I have to remind myself every time. It’s frustrating.

He acted as if he hadn’t been gone for two weeks, but I ignored it and asked my questions.

Fae apparently don’t need to sleep, but we can if we want to. They are also not invincible. Only a few things can kill us like if someone steals our name, which is like saying fairies don’t exist in Neverland, (it’s still a fake place I had him confirm) or if our heads are chopped off, other than that we stay alive for as long as we please, but a minimum of a couple hundred years.

Lastly, whether I get powers is dependent on the type of fae I change into. Which created a series of other questions he answered. There are five types, Royals, which someone has to be born into. Blues, which are considered the most educated and well respected by the Royals. Green, the creatives. Red, the protectors. And Yellows, who are typically the weakest physically, but have vast amount of powers.

I asked which one he thought I would be and he said Blue. That is my favorite color so I guess that’s cool, but still I’d rather not have to change at all.

May 15th

We’ve gotten in the habit of telling each other stories. Stories about our past, some made up stories, and I’ve been learning about him.

He’s an only child like me, which is rare for Fae but he says it’s because his mother was injured in a battle after he was born and she was unable to have any more kids. She’s a Red and his parents apparently fell in love on a battlefield. It sounded so romantic, even though I'm not one for fighting. It was nice to see that not all fae have arranged marriages. Anyway he talked very highly of his parents, always trying to do their best for him, even when things seemed really hard.

He asked me if I wanted to know about the prince but I only had one question which he answered readily. His birthday. It’s July 15th. That’s two months left, probably less the way I’ve been wanting to rip my skin off. I cried. Vincent sat there staring at me like he wanted to hug me, but he’s much more aware that he can’t then I. When I had stopped he asked, “You really don’t want to marry him, do you?”

I just shook my head afraid I would blurt out how I wanted him instead.

He didn’t stay for much longer and I cried more when he was gone.

Guys are such idiots.

May 18th

I decided to get dressed under the moonlight again, it had been over an hour since he left, so I thought I would be fine, but as I stood there naked in the moonlight he was there before me. His usual blue eyes were green, almost glowing, as he raked his eyes across my body. I shivered in front of him and it seemed to only intensify what was happening.

I whispered his name out loud, hoping he could hear my feelings in that one word. I could tell he understood and I saw the desire flash within the glowing. He wanted me. I knew it. I was seconds away from melting into him. Then I remembered the Royals and if they found about what was happening he could be killed. That was enough for me to grab my clothes and throw them back on. I called out to him more clearly this time, but when I was fully dressed he was gone.

Way to go, me.

May 27th

It took him a few days to come back and he sheepishly apologized about it. I brushed it off, not wanting to think about how he makes me feel when he said something that turned my life upside down.

“I know how to cancel your change.” He looked broken to say it, but I knew why. If I cancelled the change I would never see him again. Fae only revealed themselves when they wanted to, which was hardly ever. Maybe this is our fate, to be separated. Still I didn’t hesitate to tell him I wanted to cancel it. He told me we would have to do it on the next full moon. I know I’ll be ready.

May 29th

Since I know our days together are numbered we’ve started to do more fun activities likes swimming in the river, or playing hide and seek in the trees throughout the forest. I think he uses his powers to cheat, but whatever. We’ve gone back to telling stories, roasting s’mores. He got the supplies, I don’t know where from, but I never turn down a properly roasted marshmallow. We’ve been laughing, and I’ve been falling more in love.

He told me a story about a young fae who had always gotten what he wanted and how he used to leave fae circles in random yards, to play tricks on people, but then someone actually bound the young fae with a spell they cast in one of his own circles, and he spent the rest of his life serving them and doing their bidding as penance for his wicked ways.

It made me think of the Prince and I wondered if he felt I had trapped him in a marriage he didn’t want. Plot twist, neither of us wanted it.

June 5th

I finally got brave enough to ask what I had been thinking about, how if I trapped the Prince, and Vincent laughed at me. He said, “If anything Princess, he should be thanking the Moon Goddess herself for allowing him to be bonding with you.” I then reminded him I wouldn’t be anymore, and his face clouded over. I felt bad for bringing it up, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurting the Prince by forcing him to be engaged to me for thirteen years. I guess I’m not though. After that we went back to swimming and hanging out, which was my reprieve from the burning I was starting to feel in my blood.

June 10th

Gone are our hesitations and shyness when it comes to our bodies. He lost his trunks in the lake and he didn’t want to get out so to make him feel better I got naked as well. We laughed, not worried about anything except the day where we would be separated. I’ve spent many nights making pros and cons lists, wondering if I should just see if I can break my engagement and still continue the change, but then Vincent would know, and he could tell them, and they’d come for me, and possibly kill Vincent, and nothing is worth taking that risk.

I love him. God, I love him more than I’ve ever known love to be relevant, but I will give it up always if it means I can keep him safe.

For now I will focus on his smile, the way he brings peace into my heart, and how even though I doubt I’ll ever love anyone ever again, it’s a love that I get to cherish forever.

June 13th

It’s only a few more days till the full moon and I decided to be brave, to ask something dumb... Again. “So since I won’t be changing, I’ll never get to see you again?” We had been swimming around naked, as was the usual for the last week, the water extra warm as the humid night air beat down on us. He swam close to me, so close I shivered, and he looked at me with those glowing eyes again. “Do you want to see me again?” He asked. It was a guarded question as if he didn’t really believe I was asking that. I had to look away and hold my hands behind my back as not to touch him, because the pull was there again and it was strong. I nodded, ever so slightly. I told him not to tell anyone and he seemed confused. “I can’t see you get hurt.” I told him. He smiled, but took a step back knowing we should keep our distance. He is smarter than me.

It’s adorable.

He told me he couldn’t be hurt, but I know that’s a lie, since my entire decision is hurting him.

June 15th

A couple more days to go! I’ve started getting very brave walking around with hardly any clothes on and the ways his eyes glow when he looks at me makes me want him more, but I’m just trying to soak in the memories so I have something to remember fondly and not the feeling that I’m going to explode from the inside. I can see that he’s always thinking of ways to convince me to change my mind, but I don’t know if I can change things now. Wouldn’t be just hate me for being indecisive? I know he wants me physically, but what about mentally? Does he reciprocate my feelings or maybe I’m simply a conquest for him? I don’t want to ask that, but I feel this pull that some times it’s so strong I can’t even look at him. Does he feel it too?

June 16th

I’ve asked for a secret each night until we can cancel my change even though I don’t know how to do it yet. Tonight’s secret blew my mind. He told me that apparently dogs, are fae. I had dogs all my life and I never thought they could be fae! I immediately asked him if that meant I could be turned into a dog and he laughed so hard he cried. He let me know that they’re similar to the relationship that humans have with other primates. Which in turn made me ask if he was the evolution of a dog and he barked. We laughed for hours in front of my fire and I don’t remember getting sleepy, but I woke up in my tent a bit ago and he was beside me, our fingers too close for comfort, and his mouth nearly inches from mine. My heart was pounding and when his eyes fluttered open I moved to kiss him, but of course, I didn’t. Instead I told him to have a good night, and I pretended to sleep until he left and he said, “Goodbye my love.”

Does that mean he loves me? Could we actually make it work? Would it be so bad to want to have Vincent instead? Surely the fae aren’t unforgiving for love? Surely love is important to them too.

June 17

Tomorrow is the full moon. He has been in and out of my campsite bringing herbs, setting up a fae circle, and giving me instructions. He’s beautiful when he works, I mean he’s beautiful always but I never thought I’d get to see him doing magic. He said he’ll tell me today’s secret before I go to bed because l’ll need time to think on it, I’m not really sure why that bugs me so much, but I’m hoping it’s nothing crazy. Besides setting up we’ve been spending a lot of the day swimming, naked. It’s like he’s so entranced by my body, nothing makes me feel more powerful or sexy. Of course then I had to open my big dumb mouth again and I asked, “Do you want to touch me?” It came out as a whisper but I know he heard me. His eyes started to glow, but he fought it off and got out of the water, getting dressed and walking away. I was too embarrassed to see him again until it was time for s’mores. I’m just hoping he doesn’t hate me now.

I HATE HIM. He’s been lying to me this whole time. Giving me that look as he begged for forgiveness, the nerve. He’s the damn PRINCE. He could have been honest, we could have fallen in love rightfully, and I wouldn’t have spent all this time being afraid of the change, being afraid of being with a stranger! I can’t believe him. He said he’ll still help me cancel the change, but I don’t have the heart to tell him I don’t want to go through with it anymore. I yelled at him for so long my throat hurts, and even worse he saw me ugly crying. I asked him if this pull between us was just a product of the promise I made, and he reassured me it wasn’t, but how can I trust him? How can I know what he says is true? Lies aside, I love him, and five year old me, and probably fifteen year old me, would be so mad if I threw away the chance to be with him. I’ll tell him in the morning. Right now I just need him to know I’m mad.

June 18th

He’s late. Does he hate me? Have I gone too far? At least he didn’t lie about his name, just who he was. I really did think it over and if the roles were reversed I’m not sure I would have been honest up front either, especially considering how he watched me cry about not wanting to marry him, but it was because I wanted him. Anyway, I feel bad and slightly guilty for being so upset I mean, he’ll be fine, right?

The moon is up and he still hasn’t come.

Has he abandoned me in hopes I won’t want to cancel the change? Jokes on him I don’t want to cancel the change. I want him, one hundred percent, and I can’t wait to tell him. I’ve been wondering about the pull and my theory is that we are soul mates, but we can’t tell for sure since I’m not fae yet. I guess we will find out. Hopefully.

He came back. It was late, but the moon was still full. He asked me if I was ready, and I said yes even though he didn’t know I meant I was ready for something else. He stepped up to me and told me what I would have to say and how I’d have to shatter the ring in the fae circle. I nodded, but when it came to the spell I changed it up and I said, “Vincent even though you lied to me getting to know you has been the most wonderful experience of my life, and to think I was worried about being honest because I didn’t want the Prince to kill you for being with me.” He looked confused as I laughed and instead of breaking the ring I put it on my wedding finger and told him I loved him and that I think we are soulmates. He grabbed me then and we kissed as my body rippled in release of the change. He held me as I felt myself truly become one of the fae. Not much happened, my senses heightened, my skin became flawless, my hair perfect, and my ears a little pointed. I could feel him and sense him now that I had changed and he cried when he caught sight of me. He confirmed we were soulmates and meant to be together, then we went to my tent and made all my dreams come true.

It took hours to pry Vincent off of me amongst our tangled limbs so I could get to my journal. I know eventually some of my human memories will fade, but I definitely don’t want to forget how I met the love of my life, and I don’t want to forget any of the memories we make together from here on out.

I think I’m going to need a bigger journal.