Adding To Your Communication Toolbox

Balance in any relationship is key to a healthy thriving dynamic. What that dynamic is ultimately is up to the people involved however, being in a kink relationship takes a bit more work. There are expectations outside of the normal day-to-day that must be faced, and those expectations can be well within the physical or sexual realm. It is often hard to maintain a dynamic when you must face things like work, family responsibilities, paying bills, or even grocery shopping. All the mundane things that take away from the fun.

So how do we achieve a balance that keeps us from burning out? In the end, it's about effective communication strategies to maintain healthy relationships. However, finding a strategy that works in your dynamic could seem more complex than it needs to be.

One of the first key factors when diving into a kink dynamic is to talk. Talk about everything and nothing. Talk about dreams and aspirations, talk about sex, and talk about expectations of each other and ourselves. It's important to note that relationships are not 50/50, relationships need to be 100/100. If you are not giving everything you have to your relationship your kink dynamic will become tiresome or even feel like a burden. You cannot hope to dominate another person when you cannot control your own self and your environment. Being an effective communicator is part of that control.

Some very effective tools I have found that are not communication using words. Communication can effectively take place visually, audibly, and of course, using apps on our smartphones. We truly live in an age where we have tools that we never had before, and we should take advantage of all the available things at our fingertips.

There are three main tools that I want to include for you to add to your kink dynamic toolbox. After all, kink doesn't have to be about whips and paddles or even sex. Kink can happen in many forms and it's how you use your dynamic along with your skillset.

1. Non-Verbal triggers: triggers within a kink dynamic can be positive as well as negative. A nonverbal trigger in this instance will be made into a positive reinforcing dynamic tool. The nonverbal tool I am talking about is ritual and routine and should be part of your communication style throughout your relationship. It involves symbols of the kink lifestyle. Have a few different types of leather collars for your submissive. They could be a plain leather band which would represent them wanting a night of cuddles and relaxation. Another collar could have a little bling on it or indicate maybe the little side in them. This collar would represent their need for nurturing. A plain collar with maybe a small D ring on it could represent in a dynamic some light play. A heavier collar with multiple D rings on it could indicate that your submissive wants a full play session with all the toys. A posture collar could mean that they're looking for discipline and they need that component from you. Any type of collar can have any type of meaning you designate. Make a ritual where you're submissive brings their collar of choice to you for you to put on. A dominant will then understand what the submissive is needing throughout the evening. In turn, a dominant needs to have a visual cue for the submissive to understand the dominant wants and needs for the evening. I tend to favor bracelets or cuffs that can be worn on my non-dominant hand as a signal for my submissive. Your choice in cuff should be as obvious and simplistic as the submissive choice of a collar. In choosing this type of communication set it is important to note that the dominant cannot become complacent and not meet the submissive needs from time to time. This is a very effective tool when used responsibly and with compassion for each other's needs.

2. An app called obedient: this is a great little invention for our smartphones in a world full of possibilities. Obedient is an app that is task and repetition-based. You can set any kind of task and any kind of deadline. When the submissive completes the task, the dominant is notified on their phone. There is an option in this app for reward and punishment using a point system so it's a great daily tool that is submissive can use to earn points for a heavier play session or a special date. Using this kind of app takes some of the heavy lifting away from the dominant and you don't always need to be in control as the app does a lot of the heavy lifting. Other features of the app include texting and picture sharing that is safe to use and if you both have an account and are added to each other it becomes a very viable connection in communication tool. The free version of the app is slightly limited in the fact that you can only add seven tasks you can't categorize them, and you can't set a reminder for them to be completed. However obedient has made a yearly subscription relatively cheap at under $20. It should be noted for both parties to have access to the pro features both partners need to have a yearly subscription. As for tasks I highly recommend for a submissive that is more on the sexual side that tasks be sexually based. If your submissive is more on the service side have the tasks be more service-oriented. Pay attention to the punishment section of this app and make sure you assign punishments that are reflective of not completing the task making sure to include point removal as well as a physical component. As for rewards, I highly suggest that some of the rewards be personal, orgasms work well as rewards for submissives and there is no limit to the types of rewards and punishments you can place in the app so you can even designate how the orgasm is to be achieved as in a reward. The other nice thing about earning points is that the submissive can choose to spend them on a reward so saving up points for that two-hour long session that they require is something they work on by completing the task. Make sure when using this app as a dominant you are making the achievement of points viable so that the submissive does not lose interest in rebel. However, noting an effective point system doesn't make it too easy that they can collect their favored reward every other day. This app I find very effective in keeping the dynamic active throughout the day and sometimes in the evening, especially on days where the dominant is not in a dominant space. This app also fills a very submissive need to feel dominated and provides a purpose of satisfying their dominant even when you are not playing in a scene.

3. The date night play night jars: this is a very easy and relaxed system of communication you're working with your significant other. especially in kink dynamics, one partner may feel burnout well the other is feeling unfulfilled. These jars are set up in advance to provide a little surprise and absolutely no planning word spur-of-the-moment interactions. The date night jar should contain dates that would be fun for both parties and should include kink as well as vanilla outings. The play night jar should contain sexual activities that both parties like or want to try including allowing you to introduce new components or ideas into your playtime. Both of you should sit down together and fill out little slips of paper that can be dropped into each jar appropriately. Don't share what's on your slips of paper but place them in the jar and shake them up. Put the jurors on the show or on your dresser and when it's appropriate I suggest at least once a week per jar you draw a slip of paper and do as suggested. Everyone likes a little surprise, and it takes care of the I don't know phrase that pops around in everyone's head when they're not in a creative stance. The jar system for communication and interaction is particularly effective as it puts a healthy dose of intimacy both inside and outside of the bedroom back into your relationship.

Being an effective communicator does not always mean talking to your partner. It does mean being an observer, a listener, and being intuitive to the needs of the person in front of you. The tools listed above are tools that don't necessarily use words to approach the subject of communicating on topic.

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