A Lesson In Sex Education

The story I’m about to share begins around age thirty. It may have even started many years before. I wasn't addicted to pornography at age eighteen. I was a girl in church, and I attended church on a regular basis. Wednesday evenings were often a time of praise and worship for me because church was where you would normally find me. I took part of programs and offerings that were a part of ministry. Many of these programs often dealt with helping a church-goer deal with things that were considered vices, and how to overcome them. I was glad to be among many others who had also dealt with the same issues. We had all at one point or another been tempted by sex. It reassured me that I had the same longings, temptations, and desires like many others.

As a child, I was very much unaware of certain things. I didn't open up easily and talk about my inner struggles. I was afraid of being different, and I was very much ignorant of certain things. In sixth grade, I was under the impression that you could get pregnant by merely kissing a boy. It was at that age that I learned about the reproductive system and the male and female organs. Even then, all the dots about how humans mated still didn't connect. All the pieces would finally come together in my Sex Education class. I was astounded.

I remember the first time I ever learned about soul ties. It's more like the first place as I can no longer recall the year, but when I learned of it, I realized that it was something I was dealing with. I had cravings all through high school and college, but I learned to suppress them. They were a sign of my weakness, and I needed to bring them under control. I was practicing abstinence until marriage. I was confused about the concept of dating. Not that I didn't want to date. I didn't know how to date, and I didn't know if I would be able to stay abstinent if I dated. When I was tempted, I would dream of being in a relationship. When temptation became too much, I would bring myself to orgasm. That's as far as I went with the cravings and soul tie.

Eventually, I could no longer contain those desires. They turned into an addiction. I practiced abstinence as a young adult. Now, I had a desire to be intimate, and I started watching pornography. I came to accept my pornography addiction. Quite frankly, I didn’t really think it was an addiction. For me, it was a way of coping and functioning. I even embraced my pornography addiction as time went by and saw it as a healthy part of my development. “This is what grown-ups do,” I told myself. Another class in sex education, in romance, and in fantasy. I was pleased with the fact that I could watch pornography and not be affected by it.

It all started with just a little sense of curiosity. It was a quiet evening after a long day at work. I was alone in my bedroom and my roommate hadn't come home yet. I had nothing in particular planned that day. The only thing occupying me that evening was my phone and my thoughts. I typed a few words in the browser. Oh no. Pornography would have been too blunt and too straight to the point. Nude was just perfectly fine. Then I thought, “How about Erotic? It sounded elegant. Those were safe words for a saved girl looking for a safe place on her phone.

Hiding under the covers, I saw different scenes unfold that were ever untold. A man tightly embracing a woman sitting in his lap. A woman lost in thought as her partner filled her over and over. The ecstasy and the ease of her body opened my eyes to what I had been missing up until that point. The sound of a moan in perfect harmony with a mate. A female nude enthralled in a seductive pose. Sounds and scenes in a bar making me think these might be would-be lovers. Companions who knew where I had been, who walked with me many years, and who knew all kinds of different positions and desires that I had. I was immediately pulled in from the first peak I took on my phone.

I am not completely free of pornography use. It’s been a month and a half since I watched it, and truthfully, I do not know if I’ll ever be completely free. This is where I am, knowing that I need to make healthier choices but not knowing what that would be. What I do know is that I’ve come to a place where I realize that pornography can be harmful in certain ways that may not necessarily take on a physical form. That pornography use can be addictive. That there's a void the size of a man's hand that I cannot fill with pornography. That I have other issues in life and areas that I need to take care of. Realizing this is what has made me want to do better. To be better. To look at it squarely and say, "This is where I am." I want to be whole, and with pornography addiction, I am not.