A Complicated Woman

With each photo, with each false expression of love, she gave herself away.

Every time she would show an inch more of skin, hoping the reveal would bring a sliver of satisfaction, she gave herself away.

Hiding in her bedroom. Alone. Attempting the sexy poses she hoped they would like. A man. Any man. She wasn't picky. All she wanted was the attention. The validation. The erotic messages that fueled her soul like crack to an addict. She thought she knew what she was chasing. She told herself that she understood the cravings...their origin. When she gave herself a moment to reflect on her actions, she knew it left little room for sense. She was a mother. A wife. She was supposed to be a Christian. And yet, she hid her true self from anyone who breathed.

The fantasy that enveloped from online engagement swallowed her whole and did away with any of her morals. She would tend to her children, feed them, kiss them, and run away to a life unknown.

Do you like that?

Mmm. Tell me more.

Don’t stop, Daddy.

She played the role and she played it well. She discovered the male nature and learned how to manipulate it. She enjoyed pleasing men. It even turned her on. Perhaps it was knowing she was desirable…maybe that had something to do with it. Either way, she had power there. In her room of secrets, deception, and ecstasy.

Every rare moment, she would feel the guilt that she kept buried. It would rise unexpectedly and remove the ground from beneath her. Her sweet husband. He loved her. She knew this. He worked hard for their family and he would do anything he could for her. While she was unsatisfied in the bedroom, she knew he adored her, so why did she need more? It was easier to say that she was a neglected housewife, so that’s what she did. After all, the men online were not interested in her mental health issues. They just wanted to get off. So, they would say something sweet, then something sexy, and it was downhill from there.

Something that she was always dumbfounded by was the need for attachment. While it was easy to sexually please a man, she always wanted more from them. No matter that she was already married. No matter that she was loved. There was a void that kept her in want. It kept her needy and jumping from one online male to the next, searching for someone that would also care about her. Someone that would want to get to know her. This plagued her the most. Why did she need to be this woman?

She did enjoy the sexuality of it all. She had a high drive that was rarely extinguished. Growing up very sheltered, marrying at 19, and only having slept with her husband, she craved enlightenment. This woman was complicated. She knew it. Her husband possibly knew it. Her online affairs couldn’t have cared less.

Regardless, she would return every day. Log in and search for her heart’s desire. It changed from day to day. There were times when she wanted connection. She wanted a fake love. She wanted the adoration of a man. And then there were days in which she wanted a quick fix. Rather than diving into a long conversation of wit and charm, she would simply post a provocative photo and sigh in relief as the tasteless, crude comments flooded her inbox.

Still, it was never enough. Was she simply addicted to the attention? Was there more? She knew the consequences of her actions. She was afraid of being found out. Hell, she even knew of the horrid example she was setting for the children. And yet, she returned.

There were times when she thought herself to be falling in love. It was exciting, thrilling, and made her feel human. But then it was gone, fading over time. Could someone really love more than one person? Is this what they call “puppy love”? Why did it hurt so much if it was simply fabricated emotion?

Often, she would find herself wishing that she had never discovered this hidden life. She wished she was still naive. Things would be easier. She would not be guilt-ridden and conflicted. Why was it not enough to throw in the towel on her secrets? Why did she need these men?

And then one day, she turned 30. Like a punch in the gut, she looked into the future and saw what she determined to be a pathetic middle-aged woman, still hovering above a keyboard and searching for more within a screen. The only problem was, she was aging. Her body was not perfect and graced with youth. Men wanted a younger generation. She simply had nothing left to offer there. Men were not logging in to search a woman’s mind.

She was embarrassed. Angry. And if being honest, she was a bit sad. She could see what continuing on this path would lead to.

While she remained without answers to her problems and habits, she knew it was time to close the chapter on this path. She knew that deep down she was inflicting scars on herself that would come back to haunt her. She should minimize them as much as possible.

It would take discipline that she feared was unavailable. But she had watched countless self-help videos on YouTube. She knew the first step was just that…to step. She closed the laptop. She deleted her self-indulging apps and tried every day to fight the ache to activate “private mode” on her browser. Also, she’d be lying if she said that she never fell back into old habits.

She didn’t want to be the pathetic, middle-aged woman that she saw so near in her future. Every day it would be a battle, until one day, it wouldn’t be anymore. She’d realize that it was already noon, and she hadn’t even thought once about taking a sexy picture to share. She longed for that day to come.

Until then, she would fight herself. An inner battle of weakness, indulgence, and need would erupt, and she would bear arms against her dark desires. It wouldn’t be easy. She would realize that she was trading one vice for another. Apparently, she was an emotional eater. She began smoking. Something else to hide from her husband. Truly, an addiction can occur in many forms.

She was a complicated woman. And she knew it.