Filthy logo

7 Things Not To Ask A Woman In The Bedroom

And why your small talk can be a complete mood killer.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished 8 months ago 7 min read
Image created on Canva

I shouldn't have to tell you when you have a girl's legs in the air and your naked body pressed up against hers, it's not the right time to talk about your mother.

Or how you got a promotion at work. 

Or ask her how her appointment with the gynaecologist went. 

There are more appropriate times to ask those questions. Like literally any other time.

But that doesn't mean questions don't get asked during sex. Unless you're both silent or too distracted by the moaning, talking will happen.

And it's perfectly ok to ask questions during sex. Yet like the examples I just mentioned, women won't appreciate when you ask the following things whilst you're doing it.

By the way, even though these conversation items seem appropriate for during sex, as they are about sex, they aren't.

"Is that good?"

Now I know you might want to ask the girl if that position is good, or how it feels right then and there. So you can easily adjust yourself if the position isn't working out for her, or for you too. 

But you need to think about the answer to that question before asking it. Like, really think about it.

What do you expect the woman to respond with? How would you feel if a woman responded by saying:

  • No, I hate that position
  • No, it's not doing it for me
  • It could be better
  • I don't feel anything, let's change it
  • I wish you would do something else, anything else

Now some or any of these responses you can interpret as constructive feedback. But said in slightly the wrong tone, your constructive feedback can sound like a big old attack on your performance.

And who wants to feel attacked during the middle of sex?

If you want to workshop your skills in the bedroom, wait until afterwards, when the focus and emotional energy aren't as intense. And you can think clearly and rationally without having to divide your attention with something else.

"Is that the right spot?"

I understand the want to ask a woman if you've found the right spot for her. 

As you're not a woman, and no two women are alike, you need to know if you've found the most pleasurable spot for them. The natural instinct is to ask. The feedback gives you much-needed guidance if you haven't found it, yet.

Whilst the question isn't rude, you shouldn't need to ask it. 

Like a good story, she won't tell you but she will show you if you've found the right spot. 

These will be things like moaning, squirming and telling you not to stop once you've found it.

If you're getting zero reaction from her, no doubt you haven't found the right formula for her.

In the unfortunate event, you never find it during your romp, I don't see any harm in talking about it after sex. There might be a reason, unknown to you and unrelated to what you're doing.

Or it could also be something you're not quite getting right and they didn't want to interrupt the flow of sex by critiquing your performance. 

Which, as I mentioned before, the feedback doesn't always come across with the best delivery.

"Have you done this before?"

Talking about her past sex life whilst you are inside her is asking for trouble. Why you want to know this is also puzzling; is this not the time or place to be wondering about what she's done in the past?

I understand why you might ask this. 

If you're wondering about anal sex, asking if she's done it before gauges how open to the idea she is. Or how difficult it might be if it's her first time.

But like most of these questions, as you may be gathering, it's a mojo killer. 

What might seem like a helpful question ends up misinterpreted and coming across as wrong time, wrong place.

"Why are you doing that?"

The woman you're sleeping with might have moves you've never seen before. 

Or she might keep her shirt on, and not want to take it off. 

Or she might try a position that doesn't normally happen first for you. 

It all can seem a little strange, right? But you have to fight off the instinct to ask why she is doing what she's doing.

Some women might not have the answer, by the way. This is what they've always done in the bedroom. This is normal to them. But most of the time, the answer will be that whatever they're doing feels good. It's adding to the experience.

You might not understand it. Unless it's causing you any harm or makes you feel uncomfortable, ask about her "unusual" techniques afterwards.

"Are you into XYZ?"

This is another gauging question, like "have you done this before?" 

But in this circumstance, you're asking her whether she's into things like BDSM or foot fetishes or dress-up sex. In a way, you're asking so you can experiment with a taste of it right then and there. 

In another way, you're working out whether this is something you can try in the future.

Asking a woman this during sex can sound like sexy talk. I've had someone ask me that before. One time I was about something I was into, so it felt right in that situation. 

Then one time, a man asked about something I really wasn't into, that I wanted to run to the hills at the thought of. It completely put me off.

And the question made me nervous. 

Why now? 

Why couldn't this have waited until a time when I didn't feel so vulnerable?

"Have you done XYZ?"

Have you had a threesome before? Any homosexual experiences? Have you had sex in a public place?

Again, they all seem like questions that fit the moment. You're having sex, so you can talk about the naughtiest things you've done. 

But realistically, a woman doesn't always want to tell you those things. She might not want you to know at all. Ever. 

Or she might not want to talk about her past sex life whilst she has someone else inside her.

You don't know what memories you're drudging up. It's a loaded question. If she answers honestly, is she a prude or a slut? It's a minefield for her to answer, especially when her focus is somewhere else.

"Would you be willing to try…?"

Everyone understands asking about changing positions during sex. In fact, I would say most people expect the person they're sleeping with to ask, at some point, to ask if they could change their position.

But asking if they were willing to try something more than a change of position or change or what room of the house you're doing it in, save your questions for later. 

It can be a trick question, with the answer said in the heat of the moment. 

When it's all hot and heavy, some women will tell you the answer they know you want to hear. They don't want to ruin the moment by saying no. Another mojo killer.

You can't forget about the rose-coloured glasses, too. Every idea seems fun and worth trying when someone is giving you an orgasm. 

You will sign over your life savings in the heat of the moment.

When do you ask those questions?

It's not that hard to wait. Wait until you're done having sex when you don't run the risk of destroying the mood or experience. 

Or have the women you're with scared, nervous or uninterested in continuing having sex with you.

If you care about the experience, and you sincerely want to know the answer, wait. 

The opportunity to ask and have your question answered won't disappear.

A rule of thumb for any other questions that come to mind. If you think it might be the wrong time to ask, it probably is.


If you enjoy this article, leave me a tip, follow me or even share my work on your socials! Any support for me would be appreciated 💜


About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction |

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2023 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.