Men, What You Worry About In The Bedroom Us Women Do Too

It can take way too long before you get into bed with someone and feel comfortable.

Like, truly and honestly comfortable. Where you can fart, have forgotten to shower, and are still wearing the same clothes as yesterday and not worry the woman beside you will leave you.

And when it comes to sex, it can take longer than ever to get past those comfort hurdles. In many ways, there are more of them than standard sleeping arrangements. 

There is so much more than can go wrong, and many ways you can offend your partner and break a relationship. Or end it before it even got going.

I've always worried about my part in the bedroom. Stupidly, I thought I was the only one worrying. The guy I was sleeping with always seemed confident and put together. What would he have to worry about?

But it turns out we all worry about something. 

Anything. 

Everything. 

On behalf of every girl out there, guys, this is what we worry about before, after and during sex, too.

We both worry about sexually transmitted diseases

When having sex with someone for the first time, everyone wonders about what they might catch. Sure, it might not be the leading thought. 

But enough people have had health scares and know of horror stories to put that idea in their minds.

As we all know about STDs; you can't always see them. Even if we could see them, the midnight romp in a darkened room means you don't find out about them until the light of day.

Sometimes we worry we're going to give someone a disease we didn't know we had. Or, more likely the case, we stress we're going to receive a disease from our new sexual partner.

What we can do about the concern:

• I strongly believe we need to normalise sexual health conversations before sex. Though it's really unromantic (ok, sure, a turn-off), the consequences on the other end don't seem worth it. We need to be open about:
• The last time we had a sexual health check
• Any sexual health concerns we've had in the past that could cause an issue today
• Any potential risks we're currently concerned about or have looked at (pending tests)

We also need to have basic safe sex. 

I can't believe I said that. 

You would think we wouldn't need to say it anymore. Yet, here we are, still worrying about what we will catch but not taking any precautions to minimise those fears.

We both worry about pregnancy

I can tell you from the woman's point of view, we worry about getting pregnant a lot. 

It's the worst-case scenario for a lot of us. 

Especially when it's with a partner we aren't in a relationship with. Or when we aren't planning on having children at that moment.

We know we go through the pregnancy, not the man. And we know what the judgement is like when an unwanted pregnancy comes our way.

But I know men worry too. It's naïve to think that all men don't understand action and consequence. And that the action they want to take can result in an unwanted consequence; pregnancy.

Though pregnancy differs for a man and a woman, the result is still the same. Both sides can worry. And both sides are equally entitled to worry about it as much as each other.

What we can do about the concern:

Here is the safe sex conversation, part two. 

This concern is simply avoided by having safe sex and exercising smart contraception. 

If you need a science book to help you with that idea, you probably should exercise the best contraceptive of all; abstinence.

We also need to know and remind ourselves we can refuse sex if we can't exercise any contraception. It's the basic rule of any two-way relationship, no matter how short or unestablished that relationship is.

We both worry about sexual pleasure

Every time you have sex it's a gamble. 

Though we probably wouldn't admit it, there is a fifty-fifty chance you're not going to enjoy yourself. Men won't ejaculate. Women won't get the elusive female orgasm. 

We worry that we will walk away from the sex thinking it was a waste of time and energy. And if we're going to put in the effort, we want it to pay off.

We also share collective concerns about our performance. 

We know we contribute to each other's pleasure during sex. But we can be very vain about our performances, and hope the other person likes what we have to offer. 

No one, man or woman, wants to walk away thinking they're bad in bed.

Some people will say men worry about this more than women. Trust me, we worry just as much as you do. We're probably not so open about it and have other concerns that come first, like pregnancy. 

It's not a competition, though.

What we can do about the concern:

This is one of those times you can't worry about it. Why?

• Worrying won't solve your problem - You can worry all you want about your performance, but that won't make your performance better. Or ensure more pleasure. It could lead to overthinking, which then leads to fewer guarantees of things going well.
• The person might not ever orgasm - Unless you know them inside and out, the person might never reach pleasure from sex. It's not a you problem, it's a them problem you can't ever fix. Worrying about it might mean you end up not climaxing either. Then both of you are the ones with the problem. More worries that aren't worth it.
• Your performance is a subjective matter of opinion - One person will say you're the best. The other will say you're the worst. In this situation, you literally can't please everyone.

We both worry about how we look with the lights on

Getting naked in front of someone, even after a few times or when you should be comfortable, still gets us both worried. 

Men, I know you feel it. 

Women, I hear you loud and clear. 

You constantly worry that what you have to offer isn't going to be enough for the person seeing and feeling it.

Let's put self-confidence aside here, too. You can have an abundance of self-confidence and still worry about what the other person will think of your naked body. Or how you look in vulnerable and unflattering angles that happen during sex.

We all have our fair share of things to worry about when we get naked. We worry:

• Am I too fat? Too skinny?
• Can they see my scars? Cellulite? The patch of hair I forgot to remove?
• Am I sexually appealing to them? Should I have kept my clothes on?
• Does my body look the way they expected?
• Is my ass too big? Is it not big enough?
• Is my penis the right size? Are my boobs the right shape?

It's a total minefield of worries.

What we can do about the concern:

Again, this is something that worrying won't change. The other person might hate your body because it highlights their imperfections. 

Your body is that good, they don't want yours and theirs to face comparison.

It can be that messed up.

When these concerns lead down this path, where you have zero control over what happens, worrying is only hurting you.

What do we do about all the worrying?

Most people will tell you worrying about parts of your life is futile. Especially the things you can't change or control. And whilst I respect that attitude in life, in the bedroom, you do have some control.

And as you can see by my list, there is merit in the concerns we all share. The consequences of being cavalier with these concerns can be life-changing.

You don't have to say silent about what happens before, during and after sex. You don't have to accept that sex comes with perpetual worries all the time. Especially if you keep having sex with them, and the feelings get worse.

Saying you're worried probably isn't the best strategy though. It's not that sexy. Yet, I don't see any harm in voicing any concerns or posing genuine pleasure roadblocks as questions.

Open the communication lines. 

Don't ponder the concerns in your head if you want this sexual experience to end well, for both of you. Avoiding sounding like a worrying wreck will help this.

And if the other person becomes offended you've asked them about getting pregnant, or STDs, or what could you could improve, that's not the person for you in bed. Their avoidance of the questions should make you wonder what else they're hiding.

If it's not hiding, it makes me wonder how little they care about your side of the experience. For me, I want to sleep with people who make me comfortable. That starts with caring.

And it's not that much to expect from someone you're sharing your body with.

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