4 Reasons Why Sexual Desire Changes In Men

Men. Society views you as always ready for sex. There are books about it, tv-series that showcase it – and let’s not get started on how pornographic films portray your libido (and erectile capacity!). If I could only tell people one thing about sexual desire in men and people with penises, it would likely be this: it isn’t a constant. And there are a lot of reasons why sexual desire changes.

As a sex therapist specialized in low libido, I see people every day, of all genders, who experience a loss of libido.

Most are stressed about it. Having no sex drive is seen as weird, abnormal – threatening. After all, going without a sexual appetite for long periods of time is viewed as bad for a relationship or marriage.

Low libido can be particularly anxiety-inducing for those who are viewed by society as walking hormones.

If you currently have little or no sex drive, I want you to know you’re not alone. About 15-25% of men experience waning sexual desire.

It is completely ok to not always be up for it. But if you want to increase your libido, that’s ok too. Listed below are 4 common reasons sex drive disappears in men that will help you understand what’s going on – and what can be done about it.

You Have A Lack Of Sexy Thoughts

When we’re in the mood for sex, our brains are focused on erotic thoughts. We’re thinking about what’s attracting us, what we want to do or perhaps what we’re doing right at this very moment.

This is part of what actually makes up your libido – your thoughts.

According to researchers Carvalho and Nobre, a lack of sexy thoughts and/or focus on them is one of the main reasons men experience low sexual desire.

In my master thesis on low libido in men, this was something that kept coming up time and time again, as I interviewed my subjects on their experiences.

Some found it difficult to focus on their enjoyment and would worry about how their partner was experiencing sex.

Others worried about not being hard enough or losing their erection.

Even worrying about not feeling enough sexual desire, negatively impacted some of the men’s libido.

If you can’t focus on what’s turning you on during sex or what you find attractive or sexy about your sex partner(s) – you probably won’t feel like having sex either.

You’re Stressed

These days, it might seem like stress is the number one reason for all health problems. But that’s because it often is. Low libido is no different.

The way stress works is it increases the cortisol levels in your body. Cortisol is known as a “stress hormone”, and, for a lot of people, the activation of the stress hormone inhibits our libido.

“This means we can be doing all the same things we usually do to turn ourselves on, but we’re feeling nothing. As long as the cortisol is pumping through our veins – our desire for sex won’t emanate.”

But stress isn’t only a matter of changing physiology – stress is also our thoughts and the patterns we fall into.

Our thoughts are like a radio buzzing in the background – there’s constant noise and only sometimes are we aware of it.

Mostly, our thoughts lead a life of their own, coming and going as they please. This has both upsides and downsides.

The upside is we don’t hear most of it (all those pesky thoughts about worries and the future can pass us by).

The downside is we can get caught up in unhelpful thoughts – especially when we’ve developed negative thought patterns.

“Thoughts such as “this will never work” or “there’s something seriously wrong with me” or “my partner will leave me if I don’t start initiating sex soon”, can cloud our brains and turn seemingly un-stressful situations into stressful ones.”

And when we’re stressed – it inhibits our desire and sexual arousal. No matter how attractive our partner is.

Your Partner Has A Sexual Problem

Your libido isn’t only contingent on your own physical and mental health – it’s also affected by that of your partner’s and is one of the reasons why sexual desire changes.

If your partner is experiencing a sexual difficulty, such as pain during sex or difficulty orgasming during sex, this can be one of the causes behind your low sexual desire.

Knowing you might be potentially hurting your partner or spouse, is, for obvious reasons, not a turn-on (unless we’re talking about pain being inflicted during consensual BDSM sex).

In relationships where one of the partners has genito-pelvic pain, it’s not uncommon for the person with the pain condition to fall into a pattern of having sex anyway.

If they’re female – this is often due to wanting to live up to the societal norm of what constitutes a “real woman”.

“For some men – it’s not until months later that they realise they’ve been causing their loved one pain during sex. And this can cause an avalanche of negative and anxious thoughts during sex that impedes libido and erectile function.”

Female orgasm difficulty or male difficulty reaching orgasm in your partner can also affect how much you’re in the mood.

Part of the masculine ideal is being sexually knowledgeable and pleasing your partner. Adding to this, in heterosexual relationships, a woman’s orgasm is often seen as the responsibility of their partner. Even if this isn’t actually true, the idea can still get to you – and affect your libido negatively if your partner isn’t coming.

You Have Differing Desires

Wanting sex at different times and in different ways isn’t unusual. Perhaps you love role play and your partner doesn’t (or doesn’t anymore).

Maybe you want to have sex once every other week and your spouse wants it at least twice every week.

Regardless of the differences – it probably doesn’t take a sex therapist telling you this is one of the reasons why sexual desire changes for the worse.

However, I’ve found a lot of people in my private practice, miss this factor when trying to work out why their sexual desire has disappeared.

Mismatched libidos and discrepancies in what you desire might not have affected you in the beginning.

When we’re in the first phase of infatuation, these differences aren’t usually as apparent or can be bridged because of the hormones raging in our bodies.

“But as time passes our differences tend to become more apparent – and if you’re constantly rejected by your partner or your partner shows shock or disgust at what turns you on – it can affect your sex drive negatively. ”

You might start to feel unattractive, and maybe even unmanly.

There are many reasons why sexual desire changes in men; a lack of sexy thoughts, feeling stressed, having a partner who has their own sexual problems, wanting different things sexually or wanting sex at different times.

But maybe the most important thing for you to know is this: libido ebbs and flows – even for men.

If you want more help understanding why your libido is low – do what thousands of others have done and download The (free) Desire Test. It’s based on sexological science and psychotherapeutic experience.

Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer with a Master of Science in Sexology. She’s been featured in Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, Babe, The Tab, Glamour, Sexography, and The Minds Journal. For more tips on sex and relationships, free resources and more, visit her website.

This article was originally published in Swedish on Sexologkliniken (my Swedish website).