When God Called

It was another bad, boring day at work, the weather was grey and rainy, and I had no money and the contactless machines weren't working on the bus. I had to walk home and the night was drawing in as a misty grey dusk.

One of my trainers started leaking so my foot was wet and cold, this was a horrible end to a bad day. It was a forty-minute walk home and I came off the moor and onto the final road home.

Two buses passed me but I didn't bother flagging them down. I really needed to carry a fiver, or some change, for situations like this, though they ask for contactless even though the contactless system doesn't work, and seriously, who carries money these days?

I walked towards my house, turned into the drive and stopped.

Me: "What the F?"

I didn't know what I was looking at, well I think I did but thought I had walked onto the set of some sci-fi "B" movie.

In front of me was a slug.

This slug was against the front of my hose from ground to the roof against my front door and upstairs middle bedroom window.

What the absolute hell.

What do you do when there is a giant slug stopping you from getting in your house?

There was no one else on the street, I was alone, with a giant slug.

There were no lights on and it looked like there was no one home except me and a giant slug.

G*D: "Hello"

Me: "Who said that?"

G*D: "I did", can you see anyone else?"

I looked around and realised that the slug was talking to me. I couldn't see its mouth but it was talking to me. This was some weird hallucination or a weirder dream. I wanted to get into my house but there was a giant slug blocking my way. So I had to talk to find out what the hell was going on.

Me: "Who or what are you? And why are you here, stopping me from getting into my house"

G*D: "I am GOD, and I have come to chat with you"

Me: "You are not GOD, you look nothing like GOD, you are a slug!!"

G*D: "So you know what GOD looks like? When did you last see GOD? Are you closely acquainted?"

Me: "We know GOD created Man in his image"

G*D: "Where did you get that from? And what about Woman? "

Me: "It says in The Bible"

G*D: "Oh aye, that two thousand year old work of fuction, that is rewritten by the church every time they change their mind about something. It has some good moral points, but almost everybody who quotes from it just cherry picks the bits they want, don't they?"

Me: "Well it is a big book"

G*D: "So I came to see how you were doing and all you do is insult me and doubt my existence"

Me: "But you are a slug"

G*D: "I am not a slug, I am GOD, not a GOD, I am THE GOD, and I have come to chat with you"

Me: "OK prove you are GOD, do a miracle or something"

G*D: "It;s always the same thing, first you isult the way I look then you ask for mirackes, is it any wonder that I hate coming down here? I think I will just go back. I just came for a civil chat, let you know I exist and let you know that your faith in me is appreciated"

Me: "But I don't believe in GOD, I am an atheist, and you have done nothing to change my mind , just stopped me from getting into my house to get my tea, and I still think you ar ejust a bug slug"

G*D: "This is 69, you are a devout Christian. you prayed for me to visit you"

Me: "Nope this is 96 and I am an atheist"

G*D: "Og shoot, wrong house, really sorry about that, I'll slip down the roud and leave you in peace, Damn, Damn, Damn"

The GOD or G*D or the big slug left my house, went on his way and I never saw him again.