The Stage of the In-Between

(This is the seventh installment of the My Alternates series. If you haven't already, read the first here.)

Luciana sat at the edge of the pond. It had long since frozen over and the chill in the air crept through her jacket and into her bones.

The pond had always been Dalia’s favorite spot. She came here to rest, to comfort herself, to exist.

Today, she came here to cry.

It had been five months since their uncle had died, since they'd watched him bleed out on their childhood bedroom floor, since he'd tried to kidnap them and they'd had to slam that Eiffel tower miniature into his neck to escape. Five months since they'd murdered a man. Five months of coping and grieving and grueling therapy. Five months of suffering, of pushing away the people who loved them, of trying to be strong and falling down and down and down into an endless hole they didn’t know how to get out of.

Needless to say, Luciana, the caretaker of the bunch, had been needed a lot.

She had been needed today.

Icy tears had slid down Dalia’s cheeks and she clucked at her chest as she rocked back and forth, sobs ripping out of her throat. Her pain tore through her and her stomach burned from the force of her cries, but she couldn’t stop. She cried and cried until there were no tears left, then curled her legs into her chest as a numbness settled behind her eyes. She gazed out across the pond, and Luciana had slipped through her consciousness, gently pulling their body from Dalia’s grasp.

But Luciana didn’t go home. Not yet.

Their pain still felt so fresh. The wound kept reopening and they didn’t know how to close it. Their actions haunted them, and they couldn’t escape them.

They had survived.

But at what cost?

The frozen grass crunched behind her, but Luciana didn’t turn around. She stared straight ahead, a soft ache in her chest as the brown-skinned girl with the curly black hair settled down beside her.

“You shouldn’t be out here.” Linnea murmured. “You’ll freeze.”

“I know.” Luciana said. “The cold helps. It distracts from the pain.”

Linnea gazed out across the frozen pond. She rubbed her gloved hands together.

“It will get better.” Her blue eyes turned to Luciana, sorrow tangled with hope glistening in her gaze.

“I know.”

And Luciana did. She believed. She had hope.

The others didn’t.

On the inside of their head, Dalia was still crying. Phoebe had holed herself up in her bedroom. Whisper hadn’t emerged from her room for weeks. Shark and Shards were at a loss. Sahar wouldn’t say a word. Thea hated herself and Theo tore himself apart because he couldn’t help her. Season did everything she could, but even she could feel the effects of the pain.

Linnea laid her hand atop Luciana’s.

“You’re stronger than you know.” She said.

Luciana’s eyes fell. “I wish they believed that.”

She got to her feet and held out her hand to Linnea.

“Come on. I think we’re in need of some hot chocolate.”

Linnea grabbed her hand and together they walked back through the frozen grass to the apartment Luciana called home, the apartment that was now only a reminder of all the happiness they had lost.

-

Theo held the hot chocolate in his hands. He sat curled up on the floor before the gas fireplace, a blanket over his shoulders, but still he shivered.

“We can’t keep doing this.” He whispered.

Linnea settled down beside him and took the edge of the blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She sipped her hot chocolate, eyes on the flicker of the flames.

“We’re exhausted. All of us. It hurts, constantly. I don’t understand.” He set down his hot chocolate and rubbed at his eyes.

“You went through something extremely traumatic.” Linnea murmured. “It’s going to take time to heal.”

“All we’ve had is time.” Theo breathed, picking at the fraying edges of the carpet. “Five months. Five whole months and what has it got us?”

“Understanding.” Linnea’s bright blue eyes burned into the side of his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

“But I don’t understand.”

“You are.” Linnea nudged his shoulder. “You’re in the process of understanding. And this limbo, this in-between, its sucks, but it's also beautiful. You’re changing, Theo. All of you are changing, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a chance to grow.”

“What if I don’t want to grow?” He whispered. “We were perfect just the way we were. We had a job, friends, you. We were happy, so, so happy. That shouldn’t have changed. Why did it have to change?”

Tears burned in his eyes but he fought them off.

“Because that’s life.” Linnea replied. She ran her finger around the rim of her mug. “Life is change. Life is growth. Life is inconsistency.”

Theo sighed. He looked up at the ceiling. “Then if I’m going to change, I want it to be for the better. I want to be stronger. I want to be smarter. I want to be amazing.”

Linnea gave him a soft smile. “You will be. And I’ll be here to watch it happen.”

-

“Phoebe, what are you doing?”

Phoebe tossed the last of her clothes behind her on the bed. What remained were only a few of Shards’ and Theo’s tops, Season’s gown, and Shark’s basketball shorts.

She stood back to admire her work.

“I’m making room.” She said.

Winsley’s eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. “Making room for what?”

Phoebe turned to her with a grin. “We’re going shopping!”

Winsley’s brows arched and she leaned against the doorframe. What surprised her more than Phoebe’s sudden excitement for shopping (she hated shopping) was the smile on her lips. It had been months since she had seen that familiar, lopsided grin.

“Any particular reason why?” She asked, but a small smile crept onto her own lips, seeing her best friend so excited.

“I’m getting a new look!” Phoebe exclaimed. She picked up a blue blouse and held it out with a wrinkled nose. “I mean, can you believe I ever wore this?”

“That was your favorite top.”

“Not anymore!”

She pulled up her phone and showed Winsley a Pinterest board of new outfit ideas.

“So, you’re going for something a little less conservative? Dark with a pop of pastel?” Winsely murmured as she scrolled through the pictures. She glanced up. “You sure this is you? There isn’t someone else hanging out back there in your head I’m not aware of, is there?” She poked Phoebe’s forehead.

Phoebe just laughed. “Only Thea. She’s close and excited about this too.”

“Is Linnea coming?”

Phoebe shook her head. “She knows, but I want it to be a surprise.”

Winsley nodded. “Okay then. You ready to go empty your wallet?!” She grinned.

“Heck yeah!” Phoebe high-fived her friend and grabbed her purse, and then they were gone, and the apartment was quiet, empty except for the little plastic bull sitting on the mantel.

-

They laughed and joked and teased as they meandered around the mall. Phoebe was indulgent with her credit card. She’d been saving up for a moment like this, a moment when she needed it. She and Winsley hopped from store to store, trying on clothes and posing for each other in various outfits.

Phoebe hadn’t had this much fun in ages.

She twirled in a black skirt and tights, laughing when she got dizzy and stumbled into Winsley’s arms. Winsley caught her with a gasp and pushed her off teasingly back towards the piles of clothes she had yet to try on.

Thea left that store with arms full of Phoebe’s bags, and they headed into a few of her favorite stores to spruce up her own style. Dalia made an appearance and picked out a tube of black lipstick and eyeliner. Shark popped out to pick up a pair of loose jeans and a muscle tank top, and Shards dragged them into a beautiful, classy store where she picked out a few outfits for herself. Even little Whisper made an appearance in the candy shop.

When they got home, Season kicked her feet up on the coffee table and dropped the bags to the floor, thumping her head back into the couch with a sigh.

“That was exhausting.”

“You’re telling me.” Winsley laughed. She joined Season on the couch and they both stared across the room at the little gas fireplace which still had Theo and Linnea’s hot chocolate mugs on the floor beside it.

Season’s eyes lifted to the little bull on the mantle and she smiled a secretive smile.

It had been five long months, yes, and they had been agonizing and hard, but they had gotten through them. They had kept going. They had persevered with determination and an iron-strong will. They had survived.

And soon, Season knew, they were going to live again.

Today’s happiness was just a taste. Their pain lingered. Their suffering haunted them. What they did tormented them. But if they can find these little pockets of happiness amidst so much darkness, then they can get through anything.

Season faded out of the body and Phoebe took control. She leaned her head on Winsley’s shoulder, and Winsley took her hand and clasped it tightly between them.

“I think I’m going to be okay.” Phoebe whispered.

She wasn’t there yet, and she wouldn’t be for a long time, but she could feel it.

This was never the end.

It was only another beginning.

Final part coming soon.