The Road of Tears and Dreams

April 12, 2022

The fire used to burn brightly during the dark nights when my grandma would sit me down on her knee and tell me stories. It would crackle and pop during all her silent moments, and the hairs on my arms would stand on end. Sometimes near the end of her stories, her voice would get quiet, a shadow would appear in the window, and then a cold breeze would flow through the room. Even the hairs on the back of my neck rose; I would get goose bumps and chills as sweat started dripping down my back. It was always at this moment that the swashbuckling hero made his escape. He would dive into the icy Atlantic, sinking, drowning, gasping for breath, and occasionally swimming. My heart would start pounding a mile a minute, as I saw an old steel ship approaching the hero. The warm steel hull of the ship, creating steam where it made contact with the Artic waters, broke waves like a tornado broke houses: sending pieces flying everywhere. The hero would call out, only to be thrown under by these mighty waves. The ship passed...

My grandma would stop talking, and I would hold my breath. Just as she would start mimicking the eerie sounds the young hero heard, a log would happen to fall out of the fireplace. I jumped and, trying not to scream, held her tight. It has been close to fifteen years since I heard her voice. “Oh, it's alright dear. I am here, lassie.” I still remember her stories of pirates and passing ships, I still remember her starting her stories with “This really happened lassie. " She always had stories about her cousins in Longford... One of those stories was about a very famous ship.

April 11, 1912

Maggie Murphy, of the Chapel Murphies, was trying to run away from her brother Jack, but her heart was beating so loud that it was almost a dead giveaway. And dead is exactly what she would be too if her brother knew her intentions. She was frightened just remembering how he abused her at home; he had even hit her that morning and shoved her into the side of the chicken coop. Afraid of being dragged back by her hair, she wrapped herself around John Kiernan's arm, and occasionally peaked out from behind him at her brother. John and Phillip Kiernan were their childhood friends in Longford and when they sailed to America to start a new life away from British occupation, she never expected to see them again, let alone with two more tickets for her sister and herself.

Her sister Kate had seemed flawless that yesterday morning in her claims that the sisters were just seeing the Kiernan Boys off to town and would not accompany them all the way to their ship. Naturally they would meet Thomas McCormack of the Bog McCormacks along the way for he was also leaving for America, and his mother would want them to stop and spend the night. When Maggie was listening to her sister's story, John had given her hand a squeeze and his brother Phillip mentioned that it looked like it might rain and they best be going if they were to reach the McCormacks in time. And so Jack waved them off and returned home. However, the Murphy Sisters and the Kiernan Boys did not journey to the bog; Thomas was waiting for them at the nearby pub, and together they traveled all night the in the rain to County Cork.

Their ship was the newest ship on the seas, and the line to get on wound around the docks for what felt like miles. Phillip said that it was called the Titanic, but no one paid him much attention, they were distracted by all the noise and unfamiliar sights. They even saw a woman with black hair piled a foot high wearing a blood red silk dress and a matching hat with a long black feather. Kate, who was only sixteen still had her childish curiosity and ran after every foreign looking person she saw, making Thomas run after her to keep her with their group. Phillip gave up and sat exhausted on a wooden crate. It was the hottest day all year and there were no clouds in the sky. Some might have called it a good sign, but they just wished good omens didn't make their skin burn. John, sitting on the cobble stone with Maggie, took off his jacket and draped it over her to give her shade. She was scared and shaking. Her palms were wet and she was sweating so much under her arms and in other places that her corset was soaked.

Just then Kate spotted their neighbor.

“Eugene Daley!" Maggie, Kate, Phillip, John, and Thomas all looked to the fiddler she was pointing at.

“Maybe we should just go” Maggie said standing. Everyone shook their heads. If you Eugene was at the dock, that means he would be boarding the ship too. Besides, it had taken just too much just to get to Cork. Kate twisted her ankle, Thomas got robbed, and Phillip almost caught his death trying to hail them a carriage in the rain; they couldn't go back. Maggie claimed that it was all bad omens, and now Eugene was going to tell her brother, and they'd never get away. Thomas laughed saying that they had already gotten away, besides if he was at the docks, it only meant that he was boarding the Titanic too, and would not be going back to Longford.

Soon, the group of five ran onto the ship, never stopping until they stood at the foot of a grand staircase. The ship looked like a palace, how could it possibility be floating? There were exotic flowers they had never seen before. Gold, silver, and copper lined every step, picture frame, and railing. Thomas started taking his shoes off so that he wouldn't trail dirt, when a young lad put a hand on his shoulder.

"Dia duit" he greeted Thomas.

"Dia is Muire duit" he nodded back.

The fellow was a tall, proud man, and Kate thought that he was a prince. He said his name was Jim Farrell, and soon became a good friend of the Kiernans and of the Murphys, as he was a great craic. Their good fortune continued as the Murphy sisters' roommates Kate Gilnagh and Kate Mullin were also young, fun loving, Irish colleens.

The days passed like a dream. Maggie relaxed and looked forward to a new life with John in America, while Thomas and Jim explored every dinning and engine room. Phillip seemed to forget about his brothers and sisters still hungry in Ireland, instead planning ways to propose to his American girlfriend Rebecca. All the friends enjoyed life, and for the first time forgot about the ideals of hard work. All the friends except for John who spent every night on the deck staring at the stars with Maggie searching for a shooting star for her to make a wish on to help her stop worrying about her brother. Mullin taught Kate and Gilnagh the new dance moves she learned in the whiskey scented, steel hallways in steerage, and introduced them to boys from England, France, and Germany.

Apr 14, 1912

That Sunday night was yet another party and they had finally managed to drag Maggie and John along. It was a night of magic all around with Irish jigs being danced to Polish songs, and plenty of brandy from Finland, soju from Hong Kong, and good ol' whiskey from Ireland. They called it water of life for a reason, filling people of any language with life when they drank it. The McCoy sisters sang while Ellen Corr played the spoons. Thomas, playing the bodhrán drum fell having not gotten his sea legs yet, and pulled one of the girls down with him. Everyone quickly brushed it off an returned to merry making, relishing in their first break from farm labor or brick laying in their lives.

Phillip danced jig after jig with all the little girls who followed him around like little ducks because of his good looks. He was covered in sweat and throwing his vest on the floor by the time he sat on a wooden crate and clanked his pint of beer with Kate Murphy's in a toast.

"May the worst day of our future be no more terrible than the best day of our past!"

"When you die one day, may they let you in Heaven 2 hours before the devil knows you're dead!"

In those late hours of the night, Kate played cards with Eugene Daly's cousin Peggy, smoking cigars they had stolen from his luggage. The friends only had their fun interrupted when a rat ran across the floor causing everyone to scream and jump up onto the tables. They laughed at their own foolishness and decided it was time to retire, stumbling and carrying each other until they were all back in their beds.

No one had noticed Maggie and John sneak out of the party early to have a moment alone. She never told her sister that they saw ice glistening and twinkling in the moonlight like little diamonds in the black velvet of the open sea. Nor did Maggie tell her that she saw a shooting star and wished for seven healthy children with John, who would be the most wonderful father, and knew that everything would be alright. That night changed her life.

That night changed everyone's life.

Maggie had walked John to his room and was humming to herself as she walked down her own hallway. She heard excited footsteps and just as she grabbed the metal handle of the door, a hand touched her shoulder. It was Eugene.

“Hurry! Get to a boat!” he yelled and ran down the hallway, “and for good goodness sake wake your friends!"

Third class was quiet for the first time in a long time. The the party was dying out as everyone fell into a drunk stupor. The girls gathered their few belongs, thinking they had arrived in New York when third class started to quickly wake up. But something wasn't right. There was growling, and violence in the air. A small wall of water poured over the threshold as John and Thomas rushed in the cabin followed soon by Phillip to grab the girls and pulled them up the stairs. The water was frigid in their boots when they stepped into the corridor. Gasping, their breath became shallow and difficult to control; just little puffs of smoke in front of their faces. They quickly jumped over unconscious, drunken bodies, but a frantic crowd followed, threatening to engulf them as they trudged slowly through the thigh high water.

A crewman blocked the doorway and spoke in a language that the friends couldn't understand. Fear and panic made a young lad ran past them to punch the man in the jaw. A bad, drunken brawl broke out, splashing water everywhere, until a shadowy figure broke it up. It was Jim. He had a hand clamped on both men's shoulders. Shoving the young lad into the crowd, he turned to address the crewman.

"You're wasting time!" He growled, out of breath, “Good God man! Let the ladies go!"

A hush fell over the hallway, following Jim's attack to the man's ethics; everyone huddling in spare towels and carpets with hollow eyes. Suddenly he seemed so small and powerless as he shifted his gaze back and forth. He moved aside. It was like reality snapped violently back into focus. Jim pushed Kate Gilnagh forward, but she didn't want to leave him. He gave her his cap and a smile before closing his eyes and dropping to his knees, and pulling green beads out of his jacket pocket. He prayed. His usually perfect hair now hung in his face, far from a prince he now looked like nothing more than a man. Who he was praying for, she'd never know.

Mullin turned on her heels, seizing the opportunity to snatch a woman's infant son from her arms, and pushed through the crowd following Kate and Gilnagh. Maggie tried to drag John but he didn't budge. He squeezed her hand instead giving her a sad, knowing smile. “Slán mo chroí... I'll see you soon.” Goodbye my heart...forever.

Maggie lurched forward, pulled by her sister. As the only one looking back, she saw the crewman change his mind and started pulling a door shut to block off the other passengers. John, Phillip, Thomas, and the rest of the third class women and children were left behind.

The four lasses ran through the darkened passages, their stomachs turning from the out of place silence of steerage. They could not hear the upper classes or the unending music and parties of third class. Their hearts were pounding in their ears so loud they could barely hear their own heavy breathing, let alone the shouts of protests and fights deeper in steerage.

A loud thud echoed in the steel chambers, as Kate collapsed to the ground. Her twisted ankle had given out. Gilnagh looked over her shoulder and slowed down by did not stop. Mullin screamed then started to cry. Holding the baby, she didn't have the strength in her one free hand to help her friend. Maggie tried to carry her sister in a panic fueled awkward hobble.

Gilnagh was an arm's length away from the stairs to second class, when a crack in the steel wall unleashed a wave of numbing, frigid water and a stampede of men behind her.

It was some of the poorer lads from steerage who had snuck around the crewman or possible beat him to death entirely. The fastest lad, a dark haired Italian, plowed right through her, never seeing an obstacle on his way to the ladder. The lasses were surrounded before they knew what was happening, knocking Maggie and Kate off balance, and shoving them away from Mullin who grasped for Kate's arm.

A strong arm caught Maggie as she fell. She looked into his clear blue eyes, and saw that the escaped prisoner was none other than her love John Kiernan. She let go of Kate, who fell into Mullin, feeling the overwhelming rush to hold him tight. He quickly hugged her, but then pushed her away.

In a confused daze, she watched John as he slipped a life vest around her. She mouthed a question, but he cupped his hand softly on her cheek and said:

“There is a chance for one of us, and you have to take it."

"D-D-Don't... John... n-n-no!"

He kissed her one last time like he had never kissed her before. She was once again being pulled away from him by Mullin and her sister.

"Tá mo chroí istigh ionat!" My heart is within you!

Down the hall, Gilnagh watched the scene, and then remembered a secret passage Jim had taken her through when they snuck into a first class cabin. So she ran away.

She snuck around a fake wall and climbed the slippery steel wall of the outside of the ship. The smell of salt water was as overwhelming as the ocean was deafening below, easily the most destructive and terrifying of all God's creations. She said a quick prayer to Him for mercy as only the tips of her toes fit on the metal siding. She felt the rusty screws dig into her fingertips as she reached for the railing up above.

Gilnagh pulled herself up over the railing, and flopped onto the deck, pausing to take a breath. She heard seagulls but not crowds of people.

Rising, she saw that the deck was deserted. There were no crew members, no lifeboats, and no passengers. She turned in a circle searching for something, anything. She had to find a lifeboat. She ran to the edge of the deck and clutched the railing again. There were boats in the water, and other objects. Why were they dropping their luggage?

Gilnagh looked up and heard shouting on the first class deck, and there was a lifeboat over the railing just above her!

She jumped up a foot or so, but was much too short to reach it. She lifted a foot to stand on the rail, but she would still be too short and probably fall. The boat started to lower and she thought that she might have to give up. This was the last lifeboat. Just then she heard a man singing.

She looked just to the left and saw an older gentleman smoking a cigarette, with a disposition as calm as the sea, knowing he would die. But she was not ready to accept the same fate. She looked up at the ever lowering lifeboat and then rushed to him begging for help. He hardly even listened to her and continuing singing.

Standing on his shoulders, Gilnagh could reach the bottom rail. Arms shaking, she pulled herself up, so that she could see over her knuckles. Lifeboat number 16 was next to her and forty wild-eyed, prosperous women stared at her... it wasn't even full. She let go with one arm, reaching for the boat.

She missed and they started screaming. She tried again. Her sweaty, shaking hands started to slip, and she looked down. There was nothing but ink black water beneath her, littered with chunks of ice. She saw a couple of lads in the water below. Their screams would be engraved in her heart for however long she had left, muffled by mouthfuls of salt water. Gilnagh tried desperately one more time to reach the boat. Her pinky and ring finger made contact with the wood. Her fingers were stretched as far as they could go, and the boat tipped as she pulled it close. The crewman on the boat reluctantly hit her with the paddle to try to get her to release it. A chilling wind blew right through then and he had to shout to be heard over the wind. She wished she had not heard him, for he said there was no more room on the lifeboat. He too was shaking.

She now clung to the lifeboat with four fingers. She begged but he shook his head. Three fingers. She pleaded again, and he swung at her. Two fingers. She prayed to God. One finger. Now she let go of the lifeboat and gripped the railing with both hands. She was still alive for now.

They started to lowering the boat again without her.

Thinking quickly, she called out.

“I want to be with my sister!”

The lifeboat stopped moving, and a hush fell. She felt her heart stop, and her fingers started to freeze to the railing. Surely people were not so heartless as to destroy a family? She thought of Kate and Maggie and was pained with guilt for leaving them... but she really wanted to live.

The lad held out a hand to her.

Her skin ripped, and her fingers bled as she pulled them from the railing, but she thanked him and the Lord as she tumbled into the small boat. They lowered it into the water and she crawled to an open seat. She looked to young lass next to her, just happy to be alive, when she realized it was Kate Murphy. Tears had frozen in her eyes, she had her shawl wrapped tightly around her body. Maggie was beside her, perfectly still, having lost the love of her life. She started far off, a pained expression on her face. The baby in her lap cried. She looked next to Maggie for Mullin, but she only saw a stranger.

The boat landed in the water and all the passengers rocked back and forth. She wanted to hug Kate and cry but they only started at each other, too numb to move.

Suddenly, the boat started tipping. There was shouting and gasps from all the women on board except for one. Kate ran to the side of the craft, causing it to tip closer to the water's edge. The crewman ran after her shoving her aside, then hit something on the edge of the ship with his paddle. Gilnagh saw a pale hand shootout of the water, then Kate was leaning over the side of the boat and grabbing something from the water. It looked like a headful of hair. The crewman struck Kate's hand with the paddle and Gilnagh heard bones crack. Still she did not let go. However, the boat did rock enough for Gilnagh to see the pale face Kate wouldn't let go of. With her hand broken, his hair slipped below the water's surface. Gilnagh pushed the crewman aside, and bent over the side to help Kate pull up Thomas McCormack, of the Bog McCormacks, into the boat. He was barely breathing, but he was alive. Kate used her shawl to wipe up the blood oozing out of his forehead, and Gilnagh took off hers to keep him warm. He managed to mumble parts of sentences through clattering teeth and confusion. He was asking for Phillip. Phillip had been right behind him, but ran back down the stairs to find John. He didn't know where they were.

Apr 15, 1912

Gilnagh knew where John and Phillip were, and everything seemed graver than she thought it was. She prayed they were already dead; if they had found life vests, it would have only prolonged their suffering. The horizon was empty, no ship was responding to their distress calls. They were alone.

She threw herself on Kate, holding her close and crying. Both lasses wept, feeling more alone than ever, yet closer to a single person than either had ever thought possible. They watched with unseeing eyes as the Ship of Dreams rose hundreds of feet into the air, snapped in half and slammed into the ocean. The people no longer looked like people but objects, just little scraps of fabric blowing in the wind, hurled this way and that.

Gilnagh thought of where Jim might me in the melee and if any of his prayers came true. Kate pictured Phillip, still just a child himself, not wanting to leave his big brother behind even though he would have wanted him to; and of far too many of Phillip's tiny admirers who had found their watery graves. She thought of her own brother and forgave him for everything, wishing for nothing more than be home again, in her our bed with her family. The night seemed silent, as the Titanic sunk into the oceans with more than a thousand lives snuffed out like candles. They were in the lifeboat for less than two hours when the ship and the screams gave way to... nothing. No sounds. No movement. Even the stars stopped twinkling. Some floating bodies remained frozen in place until daybreak when the Carpathia pulled them to safety.

That night they saw hell. And it was ice cold.

While I don't know for sure how much of this story is true, no one does. I've heard that it is impossible to tell when Irish fiction begins and facts end. But every character named did exist, that I know. And they were on this ship. For me, this is the most important part of the story, because the sinking of the ship was a real event, one that pained my grandmother to tell me every time I asked about the Murphy cousins. She only told me real stories and never let me watch the movie, because real stories are what needed to be told. 2,240 souls were on the Titanic, but only 705 survived. Every person, deserves to be heard, and hopefully, if we keep telling these real stories, then maybe one day our own will be told.

Encyclopedia of Real Events here: Maggie Murphy , Kate Murphy, Kate Mullin, Kate Gilnagh, Thomas McCormack

John Kiernan, Phillip Kiernan, James Farrell.