My Green Light

I was sixteen when I almost killed my grandmother. She was teaching me to drive and as good as I thought I was on paper, when I got behind that wheel I almost gave her a heart attack.

“Green means go and red means stop! You don’t want to get the police involved, do you?“ She would scream, “But don’t always go on the green light, wait a few seconds to make sure no one else is running the light. Remember Nelly, in life you are going to have your chance at a green light, and when you do I want you to look both ways, and then take it.“ She would always look for ways to make any situation much deeper than it needed to be.

“I’m sorry grandma, I’ll do better.” I would say confused, since this woman had more tickets than the state fair. Despite her hypocritical teaching style, I knew then that my grandmother was proof that good can actually exist. She took on the role of educator, driving instructor, and guardian when no one else wanted to do that.

“Grandmother, please never leave me,” I would say to her, as she would respond, “wouldn't dream of it.” As a girl abandoned by both her parents at the young age of six-my grandmother became my rock, my mom, my dad, my everything. Grandmother would be there when the depressed episodes came in, when feelings of being unwanted and unloved flooded my mind-She would be my ark. She would be there to lift me up, when I was at my lowest. As if she were a doctor with the right prescription, her hugs instantly cured me.

A soft smile filled my face, as I fast forward to the present time, me -now a girl of 26 years old- ready to leave grandma’s nest, reminiscing on the good old days we had had.

The room, now filled with strangers, kept coming up to me. Grandmother knew this many strange faces gave me more anxiety. She knows I don’t trust easily.

“That is very rude of her, to have so many guests over, without even caring how it might affect me,” my thoughts made me even more depressed, as I began to realize she was replacing me.

A man dressed in black approached me-noticing my anxiety, he tried to hug me.

I ran to my grandmother, begging her to get these people out of my house!

As tears flowed down my face, those words came out in sobs, and she would know what they would mean, “Grandmother please never leave me.” Although I was able to fend for myself, I still needed my grandmother’s love. My grandmother, who usually picks me up at that moment and comforts my cold soul with her warmth, was silent. She refused to respond. Sitting there staring at the white light on the table in front of her.

“Please!” I screamed. “Please Grandma, I need you! Make these people go away! I need only you!!!!” “I can’t take this cruel joke, be there for me, I am not strong enough to walk alone. Please, do not kick me out!”

My screams didn’t phase her, she sat there emotionless,as if she could not hear my words.

She prepared me for this day, she would always tell me, « Nelly, you are going to be alone, you need to cook for yourself, clean, work, and be strong. But most of all be happy. Jobs may come and go, friends may leave, but happiness is dependent on yourself, what's on the inside. »

But I was not ready to let myself feel joy, as I reflected on so many in my life who choose to leave me alone. I did not deserve to be happy and here my grandmother was choosing not to give me the love I needed because of what? Pure selfish gain, to teach me a lesson at my darkest hours. I had enough. I stormed out, ready to get in a wreck, ready to break windows, do anything just so she could notice me.

I screamed, I belted so loud the strangers came running down to see me. I did not care about them, all I wanted was for my grandmother to notice me.

“Is there something I can do for you dear,” they would come down concerned, handing me dishes of food, trying to ease something they knew nothing about. I didn't trust them. I trusted no one, if the one woman I loved would allow myself to be put in a mental toll like this, I was convinced she also hated me. And if I didn’t have her love, then the world hated me and I hated it, I hated being in it.

“I need to take my grandmother out, since you offered to help, please put her in the car.” Mr. Jeffries was the strongest of the men in our community. He was a man just shy of 60, who had fought in the war, which one, I had never known, but he would do anything for my grandmother, and she was sweet on him.

“Grandmother, do you see Me. Jeffries, he’s going to help me take you out, won’t you like that?” I tried appealing to her soft spot for a simple response, a simple glance, a simple slight smile. But there was nothing. She continued to sit there motionless, and uttered no words. She put up no fight and once we were in the car, I raced past every red light there was just to get her attention. I didn’t care about my life, physical things didn't matter to me, all that mattered was getting my grandmother to love me, and not leave me.

“I’m driving dangerously,” I taunted. She didn't care, almost as if to let me live my own life.

“Don’t you care! I’m not stopping at the red lights! I’m speeding through the yellows! I am going immediately at the green light!”

“I’m tired of this lesson!,” I screamed, as I was being surrounded by blue and red lights, I felt an uneasiness around me.

As I approached that final green light on our street in front of the cemetery on West Highland Avenue, I put the car in reverse. Hoping this would get her attention but she weren’t phased. To her, the light wasn’t green, she was already captivated by the white light and refused to look away.

“Grandmother, you are going to go blind, please stop looking, notice me, I am going...I am following the rules I got the green light okay, watch me go, green means go!”

I shouted, “Green means go!”

“Come on grandmother, let's go! “Get up!”

The soft gentle hands of Mr. Jeffries surrounded me as if my grandmother was in him. He whispered, “Green is your time to go.”

Mr. Jeffries and the other pallbearers took grandmother to her new home, away from me.

I knew what he meant. I had to accept the fact, I would not live with my grandmother anymore. This was her new home, her new resting place, her lessons would stay with me, but it was my time to go. She followed the white light and was at peace, at rest. I would follow the green light, look both ways and then go! Remembering that grandmother's love would be around me tighter than any hug she ever gave me.