Monetary Tips for the Immoral and Unscrupulous

Before we start, like most people giving out financial advice online, I must specify that this is not financial advice.

That out of the way, let's talk about the green, the cheese, the cheddar, the wonga, the dosh, the payola, the CREAM, the dream, the dolla, the bills, the skrills, the cash, the scratch, the dividends, the root of all evil, the fruit of the money tree. You may have noticed, there's a lot less of it swashing around the place these days. Well, don't you worry yourself, my friend. They don't call me the Boy Who Cried Wolf of Wall Street for nothing. Usually, I'd go the old school route, and sell my lifetimes' worth of money-making knowledge in a self-help book with a cover that'd make you scared to be seen reading it in public. But, given the state of the state, let me state my statements.

This ain't your grandma's paltry financial advice of "eat less avocados, buy silver, and stop standing over me holding that pillow". And this ain't that same Rich Dad Poor Dad advice of "just buy property". See, unlike most people giving money tips, I am what is scientifically defined as poor as shit.

Also, again, just to reiterate, this is not financial advice. Nudge, nudge.

1: A sure-fire way to avoid the high price of electricity. Remove all lightbulbs but one from your home. Carry the surviving lightbulb with you from room to room. This ensures you don't leave a light on elsewhere in the house to guzzle precious electricity. As a bonus, this can also give your children a new form of entertainment, as the darkness turns your once safe home into a treacherous new obstacle course, without any changes being made to the structure.

1.5: If lightbulbs are too unreliable for you, invest in a miner's helmet.

2: A great way to teach kids lessons. So, if you live in an area like mine, you may occasionally find yourself stopped by local youths as you head into your supermarket of choice. They may inquire if you would be so kind as to purchase alcoholic beverages, cigarettes or blueberry-scented vapes for them in exchange for the money needed to buy said goods. Now, being the upstanding member of society you are, you would never tell them: "Ok, give me the money, I'll go in and buy your stuff, you wait for me at the back door." If you did choose this option, however, you have a chance to teach them the value of cash, by pocketing their pocket-money, then moseying on out the front door when you're done with your own shopping, leaving the confused youths to scratch their heads and wonder if they've just been scammed. They're too young to be drinking and smoking anyway. And you've made an extra bit of cash.

3: Support the elderly. There is an epidemic of loneliness among our aged population. While this is sad, it is also an opportunity for the audacious entrepreneur to make some money. Depending on how well you can delude yourself into thinking you're doing something good, it might not even play on your conscience. However, you'll have to locate a retirement community for wealthier silver-hairs if you're looking for big bank. Just show up and start chatting with the old dears. They'll be glad to have the company, and you'll be glad when you get access to their wills so you can edit yourself in for a sneaky payday.

4: Steal things. Alternatively, pay a gang of children to steal for you (preferably not the ones you previously scammed according to Tip#2). Nine out of ten scientists agree that children can run faster than the average adult, so it's almost as if they were evolutionarily designed to be thieves. Make sure to target large corporations rather than local small businesses - well, unless you feel particularly sadistic.

5: Get in on a booming market. No, not that cryptocurrency your co-worker keeps telling you is the future of banking. I'm talking about the organ market. Kidneys are a good hedge against inflation, and are a great way to diversify your portfolio. Nine out of ten scientists agree that you can probably get by with one kidney. This means most people are walking around with an excess of kidney in their body - imagine, carrying around the potential deposit on a house and not knowing. And, if you feel really adventurous, you can sign up for my new reality show Heart Swap, where we swap two contestants' hearts and pray to God it works this time.

Well, the alarm is ringing, which means it's time to get back to my cell. Remember, follow my tips, and you too can live like Al Capone... in one way or another. This has been Penton Raderknacker of IFFY Finance. Stay greedy, folks.